To feel like my friend might be phasing me out?

[LonesomeDove]

I'm confused by the behaviour of one of my friends. Until a few weeks ago, we were meeting up maybe once a week or so. She knows I am having a hard time with a lot of different things, so I've always been sure to say if I am draining her to tell me if she wants space. She always says no I'm not at all. However, I feel like because I've been stuck in my difficult time for an ongoing stretch, she is uncomfortable and it struck me maybe she wants to phase me out.

The last few weeks she doesn't have any time for me, not even a coffee. I have suggested coffee etc a few times and it's always a brush off. So then I just shrug and expect to hear no more, but she'll text or call to see how I am, and then I end up suggesting meeting up again, but it's been a no for about a month now. I'm confused, something feels different. I'm starting to wonder if she calls or texts because she feels a bit guilty for wanting to dump me as a friend, but no longer really wants my company?

When she brushed off meeting again today, I sent a reply saying I am a little hurt, I understand she is busy, but if something is up I hope we can discuss it and resolve it. Do I sound unreasonable? I am genuinely crap at these situations, so I don't know.

Maybe she's genuinely tied up with other things? The fact she's calling and texting shows she's still thinking about how you are imho.

My busy periods seem to go on forever (as dramas often do) and the time just slips away.

It depends completely on what's going on for her, but she's either going to make time for you now you've said your upset or feel under more pressure and put you off.

I would give her a little space and keep it light next time you contact her.

Hi

Maybe she doesn't want to drop the friendship but just hasn't the energy for your woes. If you are stuck in a bad place, it's understandable but not entirely fair to use coffee with a friend to offload more than once or twice. It's very easy to forget that friends may have their own stresses and woes that they don't broadcast or offload. Or that your woes can drag them down and leave them feeling very drained and depressed in your company.

Why not show her you are capable of being a good friend, not just a needy one, by sending a card or small present saying you appreciate how much she's stood by you and you promise to be light-hearted and positive next time you meet? And the coffee is on you. See if she gets in touch. If not, let her breathe for a while and don't pile on more woe and pressure by telling her how hurt you are.

Maybe it is possible that she is finding hearing someones problems a bit draining, but doesn't want to say.
Obviously I dont know your problems or head space right now, but if you suspect this to be the case, maybe could you go in on a lighter note, give her some breathing space, then in a few weeks maybe let her know about something you have seen/ done/read that you found amusing remind her why you were friends before your problems kicked in.
I've never been in this position myself but I remember years ago my friend had another pal who was suffering pnd and panic attacks, she was happy to be a support for a long time, but then it started to get her down and she started to feel a bit used like a crutch for the tough times.

Thanks! Yes, I will be giving her space (in fact I have been, she has been initiating the contact) and certainly don't want to be demanding, but I feel like I had to say I was hurt, because it's the truth - I am hurt that she can't make time for me, when she has time to socialize with others. Obviously I'm not worth making time for. I guess I feel like if I am a burden on her that she just feels duty-bound to call but doesn't want my company anymore, well I don't want that.

Do you have friends in common? Perhaps organise a group outing with her and them. It sounds as though she likes you a lot but is finding the one on one intense bit a bit too much at the moment. If so, she'll appreciate the space of a group thing.

Sorry - cross posted. I know I definitely have been a good friend to her plenty of times in the past. In fact until recently, it was much more balanced in the other direction, in that she would lean on me in her times of need and I never leaned on her or anyone. In my counselling I've slowly been working towards asking for help and support when I need it instead of always trying to go it alone. She has been great in many ways, but I suppose she could have reached her limit. Which is fine, we all need boundaries that honestly reflect what we find healthy for ourselves - but I do feel a bit stung. Definitely some space, and see what happens in a while.

CruCru, she has avoided the idea of a group thing as well. Several times. Oh well!

Obviously I'm not worth making time for. I guess I feel like if I am a burden on her that she just feels duty-bound to call but doesn't want my company anymore, well I don't want that.

I think you should read this back and think about how it comes across. It seems rather negative and PA. Maybe you are sounding more negative when you are with her than you think you are.

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Otherwise maybe she can't cope with the changed dynamic in your relationship. The people you support aren't always the ones who support you back.

Perhaps I am too negative at times, yes. I always apologize when I feel I can't be 'myself' and tbh didn't think it happened often - more of the time is spent laughing and having fun. Purely because I genuinely enjoy being with friends as an escape from the grind of my problems, and thank my lucky stars for them. I make sure they know how much I value them.