To have supported my daughter to get contraception...

[ginorwine]

My dd is 15 and has been with her boyfriend for 4 months. They have been getting more and more intimate and my dd asked me to take her to the clinic which I did today .the nurse said that sexual feelings are normal at this age and teens can often use condoms incorrectly or not use at all and this was a sensible option.
Our ds who is 16 saw the bandage on her arm and when dd told him he became very upset . He does not like boyfriend anyway and bf is a little cocky to my ds. It's just how he is and my ds is a very gentle person so they really don't get along .
Ds said he us going to " kill bf if he touches" dd and he has said we are bad parents letting this happen etc. he is in middle of as revision and this is v bad timning.
I'm sat here feeling terribly guilty for my ds being so distressed and he won't talk . For weeks he has said he doesn't like dd bf and we had just calmed things by agreeing that bf only comes on certain days p w so that d s can make plans to be elsewhere. When bf comes round he just stays in his room. Nothing has happened between them except that b f is a bit odd but kind to dd for eg he does not seem to respect boundaries and has gone in ds room when asked not to Ect. I'm feeling I've let my ds down in some way and I can't help him on this one he won't let me so I guess he has got to work thus thro himself.i think it has challenged a lot of things for him- his little sister growing up etc. what is bothering me is he actually cried and that's not usual at all. He is clearly threatened.
I am left feeling I've done something wrong but I felt I had to protect dd -but now I've got a distressed ds...have I been u and what do I do :(

ginorwine - your DD's relationship with this boy probably won't last long. It might; cue lots of posts telling of relationships starting at 15 that lasted for years - but it probably won't. Therefore there's such a tricky balance to try to find between ensuring your DD's physical safety/preventing pregnancy and encouraging her to put as much effort as possible into her school work, hobbies and other friends and not spend too much time nurturing a relationship. Obviously that's difficult to achieve - it's a typical part of teenagehood but there's no rush.

You need to be careful to avoid creating more drama than necessary.

I know this is old-fashioned and easier said than done, but I'd try to be neutral about this relationship. You don't want to actively encourage a 15YO to be in a serious relationship IMO. If it happens naturally fair enough..... I'd be supporting your DD to study hard, pursue her hobbies and keep up with her other friends. It's not good for her to define herself or build her self-esteem on the fact of being in what she thinks is an adult relationship. Three evenings a week is quite a lot IMO. No doubt they message each other a lot when they're not seeing each other; it's a huge distraction from her education.

This boy is not part of your family. He has loving parents of his own. You've been fantastic in ensuring your DD has contraception but I'd do nothing more now than keep an eye out for how your DD is. She knows you're there for her.

Exam revision is famously stressful in itself for lots of students. Apologies if this isn't relevant to your situation - but keep things brisk and cheerful - talk about the news, what you're having for dinner etc. Be seen to be calm and thinking about 'normal' stuff. IYSWIM.

eg he does not seem to respect boundaries and has gone in ds room when asked not to

I think he needs to be heard, and if he has any really concerns, that needs addressing.

I think not respecting boundaries is a HUGE thing, to be honest. If he can be this disrespectful of your ds, in his own home..what is he capable of towards your daughter?

Taking your daughter to the clinic was a the only thing to do, so you shouldn't regret that.

I would be inclined to say to ds "look, I realise that you have reacted strongly to this, but to be able to understand where you are coming, you need to talk to me/dad calmly about your reasons for being so against this"

I sympathise though - it's horrible when there's a 'situation' in the home. My last post wasn't meant to be unsympathetic - I started threads about my 15YO DD's BF too.

Saying that, I would be encouraging her to hold off with having sex. It isn't hard to wait until she is 16.

And 4 months into a relationship is (hadn't seen that before) is WAY too soon to be getting intimate, let alone having sex!!!

Of course they won't be using condoms, not for long anyway.

The boyfriend is 'cocky' & oversteps boundaries in his gf's home. He has no respect for the male who lives there (going into the ds room when asked not to), it figures that he doesn't respect the dd very much either.

So how long before he starts overstepping the boundaries with op's dd & talking her into not using condoms? How much can he respect her if they are getting sexually active after 4mnths?

Your DS is getting the raw deal here - he has AS exams, and you are prioritising some arrogant disrespectful, possibly worse, stranger in your household and failing to protect him (and in his eyes his sister too) Agree totally with this.

Have spoke to ds have said I'm here to talk if you need me and if you need privacy that's ok. He burst into tear a and said she has only just got her bits and she is too young. I told him we we come thro this and to remember we all love each other and we will pull together as a family and have confidence in that. Have been cheery were poss.
As for dd she has asked to have a day with me as she has seen bf a lot. Am knackered but it will be good and I think we will just go to shops coffee Ect. Dd works one day a week at a place were they produce quality horses and she is committed to that. She has also been asked to compete for this business and that will alongside school- which I need to push-,she is in top 3 set but does minimum- should balance stuff I hope.

Have spoke to ds have said I'm here to talk if you need me and if you need privacy that's ok. He burst into tear a and said she has only just got her bits and she is too young.

Am I misunderstanding this, because it reads as though your son is referring to your daughters physical development (to try and put it in as delicate a way as possible), which seems a bit of an odd thing for a teenage boy to be worrying about tbh. If I am completely misunderstanding, then I apologise for the suggestion...

I think your son is WAY too invested in his sisters personal life - why should she be concerned about him providing his approval? Tears, really?

I would be calmly stating that he is entitled to his opinion but she is also entitled to hers and his approval is not needed. You will of course do all you can to ensure his homelife is not disrupted in any way but he is not in a position to demand that his opinions on her readiness for sex are more valid than her own.

Do jo yes I he was saying he sees her as a child too young etc

Different I am not prioritising my ds . I had to make sure ds safe. U have said bf can only come on certain days and am go speak bf re being rude to ds. Wd u rather I put my dd at risk by denying this is going on . Am trying to balance family life!

Different what wd suggest do ? I'm worried if I banned him they wd meet in parks etc and I wd rather them be her e under my watch! Sorry if last post bit tense I'm rather tired!

Queen thanks I'm struging to valence needs and felt v upset re what different out about not prioritising my son who I'm v aware is doing as revision .

I get it ginor, it must be a tough and stressful time. Your DS however is choosing to disrupt himself in my view. If he is revising for his AS levels, he is what? 16/17? Old enough to understand that people make their choices and live their lives even if it doesn't suit him personally. I can't believe that people are saying his exams are more important than anything - you have done nothing wrong and I assume wouldn't have made your DD's contraceptive choices the subject of a family discussion if you had your way, your DD having told him herself. I really think you need to be firm with him - IT IS NOT HIS CALL TO DECIDE WHEN SHE IS READY. Women have rights, to make decisions and mistakes. Its downright odd that he thinks it is a subject he has a vote on.

said she has only just got her bits

Creepy.

As a teenager I would have hated it if my sister's boyfriend had been around all the time, even if I liked him, so I can see why your DS might mind, but I also agree his reaction is a bit OTT, unless he knows something about BF that he's not telling. You're right, there does have to be a balance, but tipped in favour of the home life of your nuclear family.

All you can do I suppose is impress on bf that he should not assume he can do things in your home, he needs to ask, and if he oversteps the mark, you send him home straightaway, even if he's apologised.

We had certain times that were clearly designated for family (Saturday night dinner, for example) so friends were expected to head off. Waiting for us in bedrooms wasn't allowed.

I would be very wary of your DD getting into a relationship with bf IF he is the kind to use his difficult history as a trump card to get his way, or makes your DD feel responsible for looking after him or keeping him happy, or is very clingy and pulling her into a more enmeshed and serious relationship than she is ready for. I suppose you have to be quite neutral: not for or against the relationship, but always for your DD.

God, I'm not looking forward to this part of parenting.

my mistake, at least he doesn't pour booze down her.

I think one of the reasons that there is an age of consent is because most kiddy relationships last five minutes. It is a mechanism to try to reduce the number of sexual partners youngsters have.

as they are both thinking below their waists, your actions are sensible.

ginorwine The bold text was a statement I quoted from a pp. YOU ds is getting a rough ride here, to be fair!

You say little about here about his concerns, in my opinion. And lots of pp here are taking against your son, saying he is being inappropriate to know about your dds personal life & feelings. Yet, no one really seems to seeing it from his POV.

He doesn't like this lad, why?
This lad disrespects your son in his home, why?
Your solution is to have this lad over when your son isn't in, how much of that makes your ds feel like he isn't welcome in his own home?

What would I do? I would try & find out why my 15yr old dd needed to be in such an intimate relationship (and pushing for sex) after only 4mths.

I don't see why pps feel the need to decide on what is appropriate or inappropriate for this the OP's DD, or any other girl for that matter. How on earth can you even pretend to know better than a girl you have never met, or even knew existed until this thread. At the end of the day, what the DD does is entirely her choice. Not the OP's, not yours, not her brother or her boyfriend. It seems to have been forgotten that she is a whole person in her own right, not someone to be labelled and categorised as "Daughter" or "Sister". She is the protagonist of her own life, and what she chooses to do with her body, or who to sleep with or ANYTHING is ultimately her choice. It is great that she feels she can come to you for guidance, but at the end of the day, that's all it is. Guidance.
Her brother's feelings that his opinion about what she should do with her body is more valid than hers should be stamped out pretty sharpish, in my view. It is completely inappropriate. Absolutely support him through his exams and be there for him to talk to, but I feel really strongly that it should be made clear to him that her boyfriends, sex life, and choices in life in general are her choice. Being literally in tears because his sister isn't doing what he thinks is right for her genitals.. Ugh it gives me the heebie jeebies!

The bf admits to being physically violent and disrespects the boundaries of the other members of this family. Sorry but I don't think protecting a 15 year old girl from him is ~ruining her life what about her choices!!!~ She is a child and she needs protecting. It is not guidance: she is a child.

The implant means, to him: how can you ask for condoms, you're not going to get pregnant; how can you deny me sex, you're not going to get pregnant. Not good

The issues with the brother are also issues, yet none of that detracts from the fact that the bf is a dangerous man the girl should not be encouraged to be around, ever

It seems to be jealousy. His comments and reaction seems, to me, to be saying 'she's too young- ie younger than me! And I'm not doing it! ' ' she's just got her bits ( which is an odd thing to say) - I got my bits/ hit puberty before her and I'm not doing it!' Tbh I don't think he needs support in this, he needs telling that it's none of his business, and he needs to butt out and get on with revising. A family drama shouldn't ensue from your dds having sex! It's not a family matter! She must be mortified that you're all discussing her choices like this. (Although she doesn't sound ready for the choice she's made from what you've written her behaviour and attitude comes across as a bit immature to be dealing with this)

I do think there is a lot of communication about your DD's sexual choices going on in your house. It is perfectly Ok to tell DS it's none of his business, and I really don't think you should tell the BF's parents - it's none of their business either.

Rinabean The OP has previously stated that once he is told about rules, he follows them. She also made it clear that he is very affectionate towards her DD, and has shown that he has her interests at heart by, for example, stopping her when she tried to initiate sex while under the influence of alcohol. This leads to me believe- although none of us on here an possibly know- that he wouldn't pressure her in that way. The bf is not a "dangerous man", you can't at all know that from what the OP has said.
Besides, the OP hasn't ask the question, "Should I insist my daughter break up with her evil boyfriend?" I'm guessing you are drawing from your previous experiences rather than the thread.

Hi Op, I think YANBU re taking her to the clinic, if it is heading that way I think it is best to accept it and ensure that necessary precautions are taken. RE DS, could it be he's having issues around his own sexuality or his lack of relationship at all? It just seems a bit odd for him to be so interested in his sisters affairs that you're worried it would affect his revision. As others have said though you need to have a talk with DD about speaking to her bf and telling him to respect Ds in his own home. I would say something along the lines of:

'I have done you the courtesy of respecting you as an adult and acknowledging your relationship. You will pay us the same courtesy in acknowledging that this is our family home and that we have a right to feel comfortable in it. If you can't do that, you and Bf will have to meet elsewhere.'

Thankyou all for your support .it has really helped to clarify my thinking as had a bit kf emotional overload going on which I needed to balance with keeping a clear head!