To have supported my daughter to get contraception...

[ginorwine]

My dd is 15 and has been with her boyfriend for 4 months. They have been getting more and more intimate and my dd asked me to take her to the clinic which I did today .the nurse said that sexual feelings are normal at this age and teens can often use condoms incorrectly or not use at all and this was a sensible option.
Our ds who is 16 saw the bandage on her arm and when dd told him he became very upset . He does not like boyfriend anyway and bf is a little cocky to my ds. It's just how he is and my ds is a very gentle person so they really don't get along .
Ds said he us going to " kill bf if he touches" dd and he has said we are bad parents letting this happen etc. he is in middle of as revision and this is v bad timning.
I'm sat here feeling terribly guilty for my ds being so distressed and he won't talk . For weeks he has said he doesn't like dd bf and we had just calmed things by agreeing that bf only comes on certain days p w so that d s can make plans to be elsewhere. When bf comes round he just stays in his room. Nothing has happened between them except that b f is a bit odd but kind to dd for eg he does not seem to respect boundaries and has gone in ds room when asked not to Ect. I'm feeling I've let my ds down in some way and I can't help him on this one he won't let me so I guess he has got to work thus thro himself.i think it has challenged a lot of things for him- his little sister growing up etc. what is bothering me is he actually cried and that's not usual at all. He is clearly threatened.
I am left feeling I've done something wrong but I felt I had to protect dd -but now I've got a distressed ds...have I been u and what do I do :(

[ginorwine]

Thanks all . Bf is just turned 16.
We are setti g boundaries re son and every time we do he seems to respect them. We are very aware that our ds is u comfortable and wh have decided bf can visit three times a week.
The bf seems besotted with dd and considerate . He is a complex mix and my dh who is a v good judge of character normally says he just cannot read him.my friend who works with teens said straight away when she saw him she thinks he has some aspergersctraits. I don't know much about this but he seems to make jokes I appropriately ; eg at cli if y day there was a bit of graffiti of a penis and he said well that's appropriate. He also had a body building vest on that slipped and he asked if I wanted to see his nipples. I told him re the later that is not appropriate to say to an adult, he accepts it but we constant have to guide him or set boundaries. He seems to adore dd and hugs her in frount of anyone and so I guess he is not hiding that S he doesn't seem to be able to hide some things so at least I can see that there is affection. They did go out for a month last year and broke up and he was devestated. In addition he had a difficult start to lift : he was in care till 5 and then adopted and has a nice gentle family. The trouble is they are v gentle and he says that they can't tell him what to do due to his size and I e told him I disagree. I feel like I'm parenting a third teen and one comming from a different perspective. I talked to his mother and she was in denial this on cards so I felt I had to protect dd.
re ds he goes to a very gentle middle class school which is fab for him . Typically there it's cool for kids to be friends and kook y but not sleep together .he cannot relate to bf on personality and looks nor his dress sense which looks to him " Chav"
He bf is also immature he pretended to faint for a joke at clinic for eg whereas my ds would be mortified re inappropriate behevoiur.
Yes I take the comment that he will be pleased re dd getting contraception. But I didn't know what else to do. He says that he has not slept with anyone. I actually bieve him as he is so off the wall a lot of girls think he is odd which he is . His mother says he is but that he has a soft side , he has sorted things with fists in past I think linked to trauma re being in care. He is having councelling from post adoption srervu e . I think he has low self esteem. A few girls who just go on looks and wear loads slap think he is hot and flirted with him but he says he prefers natural girls
This is way way of what I want , was in floods of tears y day
Dd said she really cares for him and wish she didn't to make it easier for family!

[WilsonFrickett]

I think privacy is a really difficult issue to manage when you have teens in the house. Of course (as I posted above) I think it's great that your DD came to you to get her contraception sorted, but you need to now think about how you want things to 'be'. For eg, do you want to be sitting downstairs having a nice cuppa watching Eastenders, while knowing your DD is upstairs [probably] having sex? You wouldn't put your own mother in that position, would you?

So the talking is by no means finished - in fact, it's only started. You now have to work out the boundaries you want to set for this new phase. It's your house - it's OK to say 'no' to certain things happening in it, while simultaneously taking steps to support your DD protecting her sexual health.

[WilsonFrickett]

Massive xpost but actually mine still stands! good luck with it OP - remember this boy really isn't your responsibility.

[ginorwine]

Ps his parents have go on hol abroad without him this week so I feel very much I'm it! Do I tell them when back ?

[ginorwine]

Wilson I have told her I don't want her to when we are in they will go in her bedroom with door open. But his parents have a. Empty house at mo . And there will be empty house at times. I am going to say not when we are in put I know they have been heavy petting when I'm in . Dd did try to encourage him a couple of weeks ago when she tried an alcol pop for first time and he did say no to my dd its got to be special the first time. It may be a while b for they do as dd told me they tried the other day but he was too nervous I u see what I mean. So no sex when we are in , door to bedroom open . I'm sure they will fumble tho in fact I know they have. Please help with anymore rules I feel sick with worry and need to think straight! I like many of us wd be re dream of being this open with parents d him comming y day to clinic blew my motherly mind but guess good that did. Going to lie down Been up ages not slept

[DumSpiroSpero]

I am the last person to hoist my judgey pants usually, but after your last post, I can see where your DS is coming from.

The fact that you say your DH is usually a good judge of character but can't 'read' the bf would also concern me.

As for the sorting things out with his fists and 'my family can't tell me what to do' no wonder your DS has reacted so strongly. How does your DH feel?

I appreciate that there is little you can do to change the status quo without being counterproductive, but I would hammer it home to DD that they must use condoms regardless of the implant, and TBH would be doing my best to steer her gently away from this lad.

He may be lovely deep down and deserve a chance, but if warning bells start ringing (and imho there are already a few) please remember for your daughter's sake, it is not your, or her job to try and make up for the unfortunate circumstances of this young man's life so far.

[ginorwine]

Dum I agree with you.
It's trying to get my ds to understand the very difficult situation we have her e . His answer is you are bad parents allowing this and he is desp upset and its v black and white to him.

[ginorwine]

Dh feels very upset I deed

[struggling100]

This is an important step for your DD and I think it's wonderful that she is able to turn to you as a parent who is understanding of this milestone in her life. I was having sex with my boyfriend at her age, and I had to go through all kinds of lies to be able to do so responsibly. I used to have to miss school so I could catch a bus into town and get to the family planning clinic.

The fact is that, whether the boyfriend is right for your DD or not, she's probably going to have sex with him anyway. You can't really do a lot about that! At least this way, she can do so in a safe way, and if there are any issues, she has an adult who cares for her to whom she can turn. The main thing is to ensure that this is a step in her becoming an adult that she can go through and come out without any negative consequences for her life. Chances are they will break up at a later point, but that's OK, and an important learning experience for her. The main thing is to avoid long-term consequences of STIs or pregnancy.

I think your DS needs to realise that your DD is now very nearly an adult, and able to make her own decisions. It is really none of his business what she does in her sex life, and I would give his behaviour short shrift to be honest. It is NOT up to him to make decisions on her behalf - and I would add that I don't think his behaviour shows 'cute protectiveness' but rather 'patriarchal control' of his sister. What right does he have as a male to make decisions for her? I wonder if this is really more about HIS anxieties as a young male who hasn't yet had sex, watching a younger sibling mature a bit sooner than him? I would get him a books for teenage boys on feminism!

[ACatCalledColin]

Um, sykadelic that quote in no way implies that they won't be using condoms. Merely that the OP has talked to her about them and that they haven't slept with anyone else.

Is it the fact that the OP has mentioned that neither of them have slept with anyone else that makes you and other people think they won't use condoms? Because of course that's not what it means. At all. Admittedly if they've both not slept with anyone else it makes it unlikely that either of them have an STI but that doesn't mean that the OP hasn't encouraged use of them.

[Atbeckandcall]

I'm inclined to agree with Struggling re your ds's reactions. It's not up to your ds to make decisions about his sister's sexual activity, in fact it's quite inappropriate. Also, having read all of your posts, I do think that your ds is being rather judgemental. So the bf dresses a bit chavvy, he doesn't go to a gentle middle class school and has what seems a quirky, if inappropriate at times sense of humour.

From what you've described of the bf, it does sound like he may well have something on the spectrum, he sounds a lot like my brother. That being said, some allowances have to be made, he has had a really shitty start and has finally got someone outside of his family who clearly adores him. If he really does have some sort of ASD that is a really overwhelming thing to deal with.

I think the rules you have at your house are perfectly acceptable, and actually I think the bf sounds like a gentleman in the way he is behaving around having sex.

It's certainly not nice thinking about your dd doing this sort of thing. But I think you need to think about this. Would there such an enormous issue about it of your ds was ok with the bf? He really can't be so controlling.

You're doing everything right and you must take that on board. Ultimately they probably won't last/get married etc so I don't think too much emphasis should be made about her choice of bf. It does sound to me like he could be a lot worse, at least he is affectionate, makes her feel special etc.

[ACatCalledColin]

OP - Your DD needs to stop bragging about being on birth control.

When was the OP's daughter bragging about being on anything?

[ACatCalledColin]

How old is the bf? Don't forget he could still be in trouble if he's over 15.

That depends on how much older he is. The OP has mentioned that the boyfriend is 16 and the daughter is 15. It is highly unlikely that he would get into trouble.

When people say things like the post I quoted above I have to wonder if people actually understand what the age of consent is actually there for. It is there to stop predatory adults from taking advantage of children/young teens. It's not there to prosecute mutually consenting teens from having sex. A 15-year-old and a 16-year-old would be classed as mutually consenting as there is only a tiny age gap between them. It is very unlikely he would get into trouble unless the girl in question had some kind of learning disability or special needs.

My friends daughter had a 17 year old boyfriend when she was 15 and yes they had sex. When my friend found out she reported it to the police. The police weren't interested. They explained what the age of consent was there for and how it's not there to prosecute mutually consenting teenagers of a similar age, which 15 and 17 fell under.

Now if the boyfriend was 20 and she was 15 then yes he probably would get into trouble because that's a significant age gap. 15 and 16, however? No.

[specialsubject]

hopefully daughter will see sense soon and stop shagging boy that insults her brother and pours kiddypops down her.

meantime precautions are sensible.

[ACatCalledColin]

Hmm, the implant keeps 15 yo girls safe then?

Yes as it helps prevent against pregnancy.

Personally I'd rather have an implant in the arm than a baby in the dumpster because she wasn't protected.

[ginorwine]

Special he did not give her the alcohol and in fact he pushed dd away and said its not right when u have had a drink its got to be special the diets time! It was first time my dd had a drink .

[DoJo]

I don't agree that your daughter should have had an implant.

Somebody who is old enough to understand and consent to the consequences of having an implant is also old enough to learn how to use condoms properly.

I am old enough to have had both an implant and a son, but I would still rather have the day-to-day protection of hormonal contraceptive than rely on condoms alone. That doesn't mean that I don't know how to use them properly, just that I am realistic about their effectiveness and the potential for failure.

[ACatCalledColin]

4 months does seem long(er) when you're a teenager though. Even though it obviously isn't.

I remember when I was about 13 and a friend had been going out with the same boy for 4 months. We were all amazed because that was "proper ages!", "that's so long" and "aren't you bored yet?". It was quite revolutionary at the time. Of course I beat that a year later by going out with the same boy for a whole 8 months (shock) who was also the same person I lost my virginity to. Then I was the one who had people in awe and that was "proper ages!"

I think I'd also be booking her in for std checks on a quarterly basis just to reinforce to her she can still catch nasties with the implant.

I think that's a sensible idea. It's a good idea to get checked regularly anyway IMO (unless of course you're in a long term relationship and you've both been tested) and I think the OP would be wise to encourage that. I wonder if there's any way the OP can convince them both to get checked before they do the deed. Even if they haven't slept with anyone else (and we're just taking his word on this I presume?) and it's highly unlikely they've got anything.

[ginorwine]

She intends to insist.
Condom used too I've told her the condition I took her is a bibs and braces approach both re preg and std . I need to learn more re what risks there are re std. I guess that on occasions they may not use a condo.m if get carried away I'm being realistic but am stating that is what they should use one all the time.
Do I tell his parents? Do I have the right? I guess he won't tell them . He is used to this conversation with me but not them it seems.

[Atbeckandcall]

If it was my dd, I'd tell the bf's parents. Just so they can have the opportunity to say to him what they feel is necessary about it all.

[Ledkr]

acatcalledcolin I am perfectly aware if the laws of co sent thankyou! I am a cp sw and my dh a cp police sgt.
We have both seen cases which have upset us where a boy older than the girl has had his life turned upside down by this scenario. Yes prosecution is unlikely but I'd stil consider it if it was my son.

[ginorwine]

Led maybe that's one if reasons I felt should tell his parents so they can talk with him. I too was cp sw but now generic.

[ACatCalledColin]

Someone would need to report it first though, no?

I doubt the boyfriends parents would report their own son.

[struggling100]

ginorwine - when I was in my teens I was TERRIFIED of pregnancy. I used both types of contraception (condoms and hormonal) religiously - and I still worried. The idea that teenagers are somehow of necessity irresponsible and likely to get 'carried away' is not true in my experience - young adults in their early 20s are far more blase about sex and more likely to take risks!

[ginorwine]

Struggling thanks - yes didn't think of that view !