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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have supported my daughter to get contraception...

124 replies

ginorwine · 10/04/2014 22:50

My dd is 15 and has been with her boyfriend for 4 months. They have been getting more and more intimate and my dd asked me to take her to the clinic which I did today .the nurse said that sexual feelings are normal at this age and teens can often use condoms incorrectly or not use at all and this was a sensible option.
Our ds who is 16 saw the bandage on her arm and when dd told him he became very upset . He does not like boyfriend anyway and bf is a little cocky to my ds. It's just how he is and my ds is a very gentle person so they really don't get along .
Ds said he us going to " kill bf if he touches" dd and he has said we are bad parents letting this happen etc. he is in middle of as revision and this is v bad timning.
I'm sat here feeling terribly guilty for my ds being so distressed and he won't talk . For weeks he has said he doesn't like dd bf and we had just calmed things by agreeing that bf only comes on certain days p w so that d s can make plans to be elsewhere. When bf comes round he just stays in his room. Nothing has happened between them except that b f is a bit odd but kind to dd for eg he does not seem to respect boundaries and has gone in ds room when asked not to Ect. I'm feeling I've let my ds down in some way and I can't help him on this one he won't let me so I guess he has got to work thus thro himself.i think it has challenged a lot of things for him- his little sister growing up etc. what is bothering me is he actually cried and that's not usual at all. He is clearly threatened.
I am left feeling I've done something wrong but I felt I had to protect dd -but now I've got a distressed ds...have I been u and what do I do :(

OP posts:

Hairylegs47 · 10/04/2014 23:30

I'm with rabbitlady, it appears to me to be the whole Alpha male crap going on with your s and dbf. But it's wise of you to check out the bf, even if it is just Facebook.
Well done for being the kind of mum whose child can approach with issues like this. It's easier to sort out contraception than conception.

Hairylegs47 · 10/04/2014 23:31

15 is too young to become a mum.

almondcake · 10/04/2014 23:32

I don't agree that your daughter should have had an implant.

Somebody who is old enough to understand and consent to the consequences of having an implant is also old enough to learn how to use condoms properly.

There are far more minimal side effects to condoms, and they protect from STIs. If your DD does not learn how to use condoms now, and get into the habit of insisting a sexual partner uses them, at what point is she going to learn this?

Monty27 · 10/04/2014 23:33

So you protect your ds who is studying, by taking your dd to a clinic to get contraception? Have I just heard that.

I won't even start on the fact that your dd is 15 and condoning something that is illegal, so if anything goes pear shaped its down to you and her bf. What are you teaching either of your dc's here. I don't have a clue

Purpleroxy · 10/04/2014 23:34

Fine to take her to the clinic but like others have said, condoms are a must as well as the injection she had. So fine on that.

However, it's quite strange that her bf is hostile towards your ds and vice versa. Completely unacceptable in your home and going in his room is not just overstepping boundaries, it's disgraceful. Who does he think he is? I would be careful he doesn't turn his cocky, arrogant behaviour onto your dd. Are you ds and dd at the same school? I wonder what your ds knows about this bf and personally would ask him.

x2boys · 10/04/2014 23:48

The thing is Vivienne my husbands neice was fourteen when she had sex with her first boyfriend whilst I think this is far too young at least she used contraception and I think op is being realistic it far better to support a teenager to make appropriate contraception decisions than end up pregnant at fifteen which I think is far more damaging as for the hormone versus condoms argument well yes condoms ideally but I remember having sex as a teenager and you can get caught in the moment if you are just relying on condoms they may not be to hand or be fiddley.

LuisSuarezTeeth · 10/04/2014 23:49

OP - Well done for coping with this really well!

You've done what you feel will protect your DD - that's amazing.

It's a hell of a situation to be in.

x2boys · 10/04/2014 23:51

That's not to say I don't think you should encourage teenagers to use condoms I do butnits wisecto have a backup plan.

WitchWay · 10/04/2014 23:52

You did exactly the right thing in helping your daughter to obtain effective contraception. Implants are so much better than condoms for this. Agree about the STI comments though - ought to be "belt & braces" really.

Agree the BF is trying to exert dominance over your son & I would speak to him (BF) about respecting boundaries.

I'd speak to son about butting out of DD's business. Is he jealous because she's having a sexual relationship & he isn't? Or perhaps he is but thinks it's "ok for boys" or some such. I'd suggest that his girlfriends ought to be as well-protected.

ACatCalledColin · 10/04/2014 23:56

For those who disagree with the OP's dd having an implant - why? Is it really any worse than the pill? The implant is one of the most reliable forms of contraception out there (if not the most reliable). With the pill you can forget to take it, not take it properly, get ill and vomit it up, be on antibiotics which can effect it...with condoms they can split, you can not put them on properly, etc. And this happens to adults too, not just to teenagers so it's unfair to say that you're not mature enough to have sex if you can't remember to take the pill or put a condom on properly. With the implant it's there and you don't have to remember anything. Many GP's and family planning clinics are now promoting the use of long term reversible contraception (such as the implant) especially for teens because of the reasons I outlined above.

Somebody who is old enough to understand and consent to the consequences of having an implant is also old enough to learn how to use condoms properly.

Has anybody said they won't be using condoms? It's possible to have the implant and use condoms you know. It doesn't have to be one or the other. Many people will be on the pill/implant/injection/coil but will double up with condoms both as a secondary contraception as well as protection against STI's. I still do this. I know several other people who do too so it can't be that unusual.

I would never encourage condoms as the only source of contraception though. If it was my dd I'd much prefer she was the pill/implant/injection (but I'd prefer injection or implant again for the reasons mentioned above) and was using condoms as an additional method. Never condoms alone though.

Viviennemary · 11/04/2014 00:00

I still don't think that it's a good example for DS to see that his parents are 'allowing' his sister to have sex at the age of 15. It is just giving the wrong message. That is my opinion. I'm not saying the situation is an easy one. It isn't.

Preciousbane · 11/04/2014 00:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Polonius · 11/04/2014 00:10

Is there any chance older brother could be angry that his little sister is having sex before him?

My cousin's kids had a problem with this. Younger one because sexually active before the elder, and all hell broke loose. Older disguised it at concern for his sibling, but really he thought he had a right to be having sex, and that being a virgin was uncool.

ACatCalledColin · 11/04/2014 00:10

I just think 15 is too young.

I lost my virginity when I was 14. I was ready, I wanted to do it, in fact it was me who talked my then boyfriend into doing it as he was unsure. I wouldn't change that for anything and I have no regrets about it.

On the other hand my best friend didn't have sex until she was 19. She was in a relationship but she confessed to me afterwards that she hadn't felt ready. She now regrets losing her virginity at that age and wishes she'd waited.

Yet if I'd just said I'd had sex at 14 for the first time and she at 19 and not given any more details, it would likely be me who would be told I wasn't ready and too young and she was wise for waiting. Even though that's not the case.

Nobody waves a magic wand on your 16th birthday and you're suddenly ready for sex. Some people aren't ready for sex until they're much older than 16 like my friend, some will be ready earlier like me.

And I wouldn't be happy with those implants. I think she is much too young for those.

Then why do GP's and family planning clinics promote them to teenagers then if they're too young? If they were too young then surely they wouldn't be allowed to get them, let alone be allowed to promote them to them?

almondcake · 11/04/2014 00:11

The likelihood of a condom splitting is very small. The main failure rate is people putting them on incorrectly. If the DD (or the adults you talk about) goes to a nurse, they can show them how to put them on correctly. If this has happened, and the DD is committed to using condoms as well as an implant, then this is not something I would criticise somebody else for doing.

With my own DD, I would not do this, because I would be concerned that having the implant, she would be less likely to use a condom, and would be more pressured by a partner saying she doesn't need to as she already has the implant, claiming she doesn't trust him and thinks he has an STI etc.

If somebody has research that teens with an implant are more or equally as likely to use condoms as teens who have no implant/IUD/contraceptive pill, then I would feel differently about it.

ACatCalledColin · 11/04/2014 00:15

Again, if teens are going to have sex then they will. No amount of "it's illegal", "you're too young", "you should wait" is going to change that. It just means they'll be less protected.

Would people rather the OP put her head in the sand and ignored it until one day her dd comes home pregnant? Getting her the implant (again one of the most reliable forms of contraception out there) is much preferable to her coming home pregnant.

almondcake · 11/04/2014 00:17

Acatcalledcolin, presumably the reason HCP's promote them is because they look at the statistical risk of both pregnancy and STIs across the population as a whole, and will weight STI risk against unwanted pregnancy risk, costs and implications for the whole population and the teen cohort.

Both the parent and the DD don't have to do that. They can look at the risk of pregnancy and STIs in their context - an informed parent who is supportive of their own child and has a good relationship with them where such issues are discussed, with the addition of a bf of whom there are mixed reports and all involved agreed is not good at sticking to boundaries imposed by others. They have individual information from which to make the choice that they think is best for the DD.

I have individual information about my family and my child from which to make my decision, as we all do.

Polonius · 11/04/2014 00:17

I just think 15 is too young.

I don't. I lost my virginity at 15, and it was perfect. Completely right for me.

You're own experiences do not represent everybodies experiences. The age of consent is 16, because that is the average, meaning that people will be ready before and at 16 and after.

ACatCalledColin · 11/04/2014 00:21

Idk, relying on condoms alone just seems very iffy to me. Even as an adult I would never rely on condoms alone so who would I expect my dd to? I know lots of people rely on condoms and never have a problem with it but I guess I'm overcautious. Even now I'm in a long term relationship and have the implant we still use condoms to back up with.

Then again I would never encourage my dd to rely on just the pill/implant/injection either. I'd talk to her about the importance of using condoms as well as both as a secondary contraception and to protect against STI's. I would drill this fact into her. The point is just because the OP's dd has the implant doesn't mean that she's not going to use condoms or learn how to use them (if she doesn't already).

FWIW I've never actually had a condom split. But I always worry about it .

ACatCalledColin · 11/04/2014 00:23

^why would I expect my dd to, that should be.

WilsonFrickett · 11/04/2014 00:24

Looking back on me as a teen, I am glad I was on the pill rather than an implant, because the risk of the pill failing meant you had to 'belt and brace' with condoms too.

ACatCalledColin · 11/04/2014 00:27

But if implants and the like were known to be harmful to teens than I doubt that HCP would let them have them no matter how reliable they are. That's what I meant when replying to the "too young" comments. If the OP's dd had been put on the pill I doubt there would be many people (if any) saying she's too young but is the implant really any worse than the pill? It's still hormones at the end of the day. Only the implant is much more reliable than the pill. I'd prefer my dd to have the implant any day over the pill.

ACatCalledColin · 11/04/2014 00:33

Looking back on me as a teen, I am glad I was on the pill rather than an implant, because the risk of the pill failing meant you had to 'belt and brace' with condoms too..

Seriously, why are people finding it so hard to grasp that just because the OP's dd has the implant that doesn't mean she won't be belting and bracing with condoms too? I had plenty of friends who were on the pill but never used condoms. Just because you're on the pill doesn't guarantee you will use condoms too just like having the implant doesn't mean you won't use them.

Has the OP even mentioned her daughter won't be using condoms? People have just jumped to the conclusion that she won't be, the OP hasn't talked to her about condoms and how she needs to use them as well as, etc just because she has the implant.

Nohootingchickenssleeping · 11/04/2014 00:36

Good for you. I do think she's too young but if she's gonna do it, she's gonna do it. Just please be aware that the implant can fail.

My co-worker is a Grandmother at thirty six as her fifteen y/o daughter just had a baby girl. She had the implant and was on the pill.

Polonius · 11/04/2014 00:36

ACatCalledColin, I've had many condoms split. I think it is to do with the shape of you and your partner, and the amount of friction the positioning/shape puts on the condom. I've come to this conclusion because I had about 1 in 3 break with my current DP, but none with my ex over 3 years. This my ex and I were just a more 'smooth' shape ifswim?

So yeah, I agree with you. Doubling up on hormones and condoms is the only way forward. Dropping down to hormones alone when you are sure that you are committed and STD free. And then backing up with condoms if there is any doubt that hormones have failed.

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