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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think you can be friends with an Ex without it going horribly awry?

14 replies

VelvetSpoon · 10/04/2014 15:10

I was seeing someone for a number of months, he ended it last month due to his issues re relationships etc. We were dating, in the sense there was no conferring of boyfriend/girlfriend status, we've never met each others friends/family though spoken a lot about them.

He asked if I would be willing to stay friends; he would understand if not, but hoped I would agree.

My feeling about it is that I would like him still to be in my life, even purely as a friend, because I really like him as a person and enjoy his company. Friends I have discussed this with are quite polarised in their opinion; some think it would be really good, as he is very bright, into 'the arts' and stuff, and would be a great friend to go to plays, galleries etc with (none of my current, much more 'salt of the earth' friends are into that kind of thing). Others think it's a bit pointless at best, at worst he's keeping me on a string etc.

Normally my breakups are pretty rubbish, so I'd have no desire to ever speak to the other person again, much less stay friends, so whilst I'm leaning towards agreeing, am still a bit on the fence...have others done this? Has it worked out well, or badly?

OP posts:
AngelaDaviesHair · 10/04/2014 15:13

Yep. I ended a brief relationship, no bitterness, he wrote to me some time later to say he'd like to stay friends, umpteen years on we still are friends. He came to my wedding. He and DH get on.

It is possible only if you genuinely have things in common (so you aren't just acting out of guilt or something re breaking up) and neither of you wants to rekindle the relationship (even on a casual basis). Even then a gap between ending it and socialising as friends is probably a good thing.

Gurnie · 10/04/2014 15:18

I have a good friendship with my 2 main exes (my very first boyfriend from 18 to 22 yrs) and my girlfriend ( changed sides at 23!) Of 10 years. I am in touch with both and enjoy meeting up although would feel weird doing that without our respective partners.

I have one ex I'd never want to befriend and s couple with whom I had short relationships and have no strong feelings about either way.

So imho, yes you can do it, if you both want to and are both clear about the status of the relationship.

Nancy66 · 10/04/2014 15:21

It's possible but things usually shift when a new partner comes on the scene.

if a new girlfriend doesn't like boyfriend seeing ex then (in my experience) boyfriend is likely to stop seeing ex.

And vice versa

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 10/04/2014 15:32

We definitely do have lots in common, and just get on very well, are very at home/relaxed in each others company, were from the first time we met, hence I think why he suggested we stay in touch.

As we're both long-term singletons (5 years for me, slightly longer for him) there's probably not much worry of a new partner being a factor for either of us! In the unlikely event one did come onto the scene, I don't think in all honestly our brief former romantic entanglement (which didn't even amount to a relationship) would make a new partner uncomfortable :)

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JonSnowKnowsNothing · 10/04/2014 15:38

My ex is now my best friend. He's also now gay. We were never going to work out but we get on fantastically. Yesterday my beloved cat was killed and he came round, dug her a grave and gave her a cuddle, which meant so much to me.

The only thing that's difficult is new men are sometimes a bit Hmm about him staying over, even though they know he stays in the spare room and he's gay. If I find someone I really want to be with I might have to reconsider out relationship.

KissesBreakingWave · 10/04/2014 15:45

Still on good terms with all but two of the exes I'm still in contact with. So, while it depends on the ex, yes you can.

exWifebeginsat40 · 10/04/2014 15:47

i'm good friends with my ex of 10 years. he still makes me laugh, he's good company and we're both comfortable that we've moved on to other partners.

i don't know how common this is, but it's working for us.

Scuttlebutter · 10/04/2014 16:34

Very pleased that I've stayed on good terms with an ex who I broke up with 24 years ago. He's stayed at our house, I am very fond of his family. He's currently in hospital, and he contacted me straight away when he was taken ill. I have great affection and respect for him, though I know it would never have worked if we were a couple. He gets on well with DH (they both have the same professional background and trained at the same place which formed a surprising bond).

Dahlen · 10/04/2014 16:37

Most of the time it doesn't work because one partner harbours feelings for the other. But if it never really got off the ground to begin with, and neither one of you is hoping for something more, I'd say it's got a good chance of being one of the few to make it. Just be 100% sure that you don't hope he'll change his mind and get over his issues and that he isn't seeing you as an occasional NSA booty call (however nicely).

QueenofallIsee · 10/04/2014 16:40

Its different in that we have a daughter, but I am very fond of my ex husband. He is a very nice man and a good father, he has also known me a very long time so provides a link back to my formative years! I would like to think even without DD in the picture we would be on good terms. As long as you are not harbouring unrequited feelings or trying to reignite your relationship by stealth, your life can only be the better for him in it.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 10/04/2014 16:55

I think I am mostly over any romantic feelings for him, I wouldn't agree to meet up with him until I was absolutely certain though, hence I think even if we do stay in touch, I'll probably leave any meet up until the start of the summer, just to be sure.

One of my friends (who is in favour of keeping in touch) says we should because he might change his mind - but I'm certain he won't, so that's not an ulterior motive.

I wouldn't envisage any sort of NSA thing, that's not him at all (nor is it me tbh) and things between us were more emotional than physical (it was the former connection which was always the main thing, the latter was great, but not as important, if that makes sense. It always felt more like a meeting of minds than anything hugely lust-fuelled), so I am not really concerned that we'll fall into a FWB situation, based on how things were when we were seeing each other.

OP posts:
thebody · 10/04/2014 16:57

I think a shag would always get in the way.

EurotrashGirl · 10/04/2014 17:44

I'm good friends with one of my exes. Apparently he was serious when he said he wasn't looking for a relationship. He hasn't dated anyone since we were together which was over 2 years ago. He doesn't still have feelings for me and I have a boyfriend, so neither of us is secretly hoping for a reconciliation.

My only other advice is don't agree to staying friends unless you actually mean it, and make sure he means it too. Some people say "lets still be friends" when they have no intention of ever seeing the other person again, which I think is wrong.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 10/04/2014 19:05

I hope he meant it - he did suggest meeting in London, some things we could do etc (another thing, we don't live near each other, London is easy for us both to get to but 'neutral' territory, which again I think would avoid any chance of it going off-piste.)

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