Have you relaxed the rules with your younger DC?

[GraduallyGoingInsane]

Last night my DD4 (10 and in Year 6) went out to meet some friends for pizza. I dropped her at the bus stop where she met one friend, they went to the nearby little town, had pizza and I collected her. I didn't think too much about it.

DD1 came down and said 'you'd never have let me do that at her age!' She then went on to outline all the things that she had had to 'fight' to be allowed to do, that her younger sisters have generally been allowed to do automatically. The more I thought about it, the more I realised she is right!

When they were tiny babies, DD1 was not allowed juice, only milk or water. A treat was a squeeze of orange in the water. She ate brown rice, vegetables, fish and chicken. She didn't get chocolate until she was at nursery, and didn't see a McDonalds until she was about 7! I was reasonably strict with DD2, but far less so with DD3 and DD4 was pretty much weaned on pain au chocolat!

DD1 didn't get the bus by herself until she got to secondary and had to get the school bus. She didn't have sleepovers until Year 5 and even then it was one friend at a time. If she went away for competitions with gymnastics or cheer I would go with her as a chaperone. DD3 goes by herself for day competitions at 13.

The first time I knew that DD1 had drunk alcohol she was 14 and I was absolutely fuming. DD2 is less of a party girl than DD1 but when she has come home and said people were drinking, I've been far less concerned. She's 15 now, so only a year older than DD1 was when she was grounded!

DD1 had to persuade and coax me to buy her make up once she was at secondary. DD4 went out last night with mascara and lip gloss on. Certainly I did not let DD1 wear make up at school - I told her she could lightly wear mascara and powder in Year 10. After I realised she'd been applying it at school from Year 8, I relaxed the rules. DD2 was allowed it from Year 8, DD3 was wearing mascara halfway through Year 7.

I monitored DD1s clothing choices very tightly, to the extent that she had been swapping clothes at her friend's house! She wasn't allowed anything too short, low cut, no high heels. DD3 was trotting around in heels from the age of 12 if she had a party, and wears short dresses and cropped tops with leggings most of the time.

I can't decide whether I'm a bad mother for being so hard on DD1 and DD2, or so lax on DD3 and DD4! I'm definitely a bad mother for changing the rule book, but I suppose I learned to pick my battles.

I've kept to my guns on no lying, homework must be done, respect others and if you even think about smoking or drugs I will lock you away forever more. Pretty much everything else is now a lot more negotiable.

Am I the only double standards mum?

No, a realistic one.

my ds1 (24) often tells us how lax we are with dd4(14).

I have no fight left in me. You are completely normal.

Yep normal. You're a) broken b) less fearful as the older ones have tested the water and survived and c) it's hard to maintain a cohesive family life if the young one(s) have vastly different rules such as bedtime.

Sounds pretty normal to me. I am the youngest and was frequently told by eldest sister how much I "got away with" that she was never allowed.

She did take it to extremes though and I don't think she ever will let it go. She now refers to me as 'the spoilt brat' and barely talks to me

In my defence, there is a big age gap and by the time I came along our parents weren't the same cash strapped inexperienced people who picked their battles better. Maybe DD1 needs a bit of 'spoiling' once in a while too?

My parents were exactly the same - very strict with me and my next sibling, and the youngest got to do everything.

I thought this was unfair as a child, have more understanding as to why now I am an adult.

However my parents insisted (and still made it their mantra) that they treated us all the same. Er - no you didn't!

My parents were the opposite.

DB was allowed to get the bus to town on his own at 10/11 where as I was driven and picked up everywhere until I was about 14, unless I was walking with a larger group. Through childhood and up until DB was about 12, his best friend was a girl. She was allowed to sleep over once. None of my friends were allowed to sleep over at mine until I was 15. Never, ever a boy, although weirdly, at 14 I had a boyfriend who lived round the corner. I wasn't allowed to stay over at his house (understandably) but I was allowed to go away with him and his family at that age (where we would share a room). My parents would let me sleep over at certain friends' houses but not others. Then eventually they would let me but then the next time would say no. At 16, after leaving school, they would still say no to staying

I think my parents were very confused about what to say yes or no to, so would contradict themselves a lot.

Oops missed a bit there...

At 16, after leaving school, they would still say no to staying over places, yet DB could when he wanted to.

Also to add, DB still lives at home at 30.

I moved out at 19! I wanted to do what I liked!

My DC are yet very young, but i must admit that i have.
With DS1 i was trying to do everything right. Only healthy foods, no inappropriate content on tv/games, etc. With DS2 it is sort of harder to monitor things like, he wouldn't play certain games when his brother has them.

I think it happens naturally and to an extent it should happen.

I have a DF who keeps really strict bed times for her younger too and it's an absolute pita for her teens, who have to go home at the same time or keep their visiting friends quiet.

Doesn't apply strongly here, because DD1 is a total night owl, bedtime has always been late and DD2 has always had fairly free rein to be as bad or choose to go earlier.

As for freedom, DD2 does, perhaps get more, but that's because she has DFs who want, are allowed to go shopping etc.

We live in the middle of nowhere and DD1's BFFs do too. Both houses have big gardens and space to mess about. Since even at 16-17 messing about, and forgetting all the stresses of pretending to be teens, is what they do best, they didn't want to go shopping etc.

It's completely normal and to a certain extent the oldest will have to accept it as part and parcel of her family position, just as the younger will have to accept certain things.

However...I've been mindful of this in recent years. My teens are now 19, 17 and 15 and the 19 year old has been at home this year doing a Foundation Course. All the landmark things like ear piercing, any other piercings, colouring hair, going to a festival with friends etc I have tried very hard to stick to the age limits with the younger ones that I laid down for the older ones. So far I'm doing okay with it although needless to say my younger DD thinks it's all very unfair.

No experience of this as a parent as I only have one, but from mine and DHs experience as siblings it sounds normal.

DH was the oldest in his family and there is 12 years between him and his youngest brother. He remembers when he was home from Uni and had gone out for a drink with friends on the Saturday, then when he came home he was shocked to find his 7yo brother still up and watching Match of the Day. When he challenged his parents with making him be in bed by 8pm at that age they just shrugged and said "Well it is his favourite programme!"

I had the opposite experience since I am the youngest by a long way. My eldest sister is 10 years older than me. When she was 18/19 she had a friend my parents were not keen on as they thought she had too much money and freedom, i.e. her own car and able to go where she wanted. I remember there being dreadful rows when my sister went out with her friend and didn't get back until after midnight!

However, fast forward to me at about that age and when I was home from Uni I went out with my mate and we didn't get back until nearly 4am. Mum heard me come in but just asked if I had had a good night and that was that!

Excellent, it sounds like I'm not the only one!

Dreadedsunnyday, that is a good point about keeping certain ages the same. I've always said 16 for ear piercing, and DD1 and DD2 are getting theirs done this summer (DD1 is actually 17 but was on a big dance course last summer and didn't want the faff of not being able to take them out). I was toying with giving in to DD3 who will be 14 by then, but I'm going to hold out for 16.

I am acutely aware that I don't treat them the same, DD3 and DD4 in particular are the babies and do get spoilt more. Equally, if DD2 comes up with a slightly eyebrow raising plan, I'm more likely to say yes to her than the others as she is inherently sensible and a bit of a goodie goodie. Her sisters are much more easily swayed by peer pressure and both DD1 and DD3 have been caught out in lies before. I absolutely, fiercely love and adore them equally though.

Maybe the next thing DD1 asks for that makes me want to say no, I will say yes to! Within reason of course...

My mum definitely has, there's 16 years between me and smallest sister and the younger ones are allowed to do far more than I did, they are much better behaved than I ever was though and far more sensible. It's the same with the boys, 15 years between big bro and littlest bro and littlest bro has far more freedom than big bro did but then he is far more confident and has a lot more common sense than big bro does.

Mum maintains that had I not been so badly behaved and had big bro had even a tiny bit of common sense we'd have had more freedom too, I had DS by the time differences in strictness started to show though so it was less of an issue as I could see it from a parents point of view.

Completely! Ds 1 (12) never knew what juice or fizzy ftinks even were! He had his first nintendo game aged 8 and strictly limited tv time. Ds 4 (5) is an xbox addict and has eaten all the crap of the day.

My parents did this. It made me furious as a child/teen. DD is only 19 months and DC2 is due in Aug. I hope I can stick to my guns but who knows.

Yes, I think it is inevitable, but when DD has pointed out its unfair, I remind her of all the 'unfair' things her younger sister has had to out up with.

For example, DD1 has never (until very recently) had to sit and wait whilst DD2 was doing an activity, because Dd2 either did it when DD1 was at school, or it fitted into when DD1 did hers. DD2 has spent most of her life hanging around and waiting for DD1, in a way that DD1 has never had to do.

Dd1 has never grown up in the shadow of an older sister who has always been able to do more than her, and no matter what she has achieved, got an older sister who has already achieved it. DD2, no matter what she has achieved, has always had an older sister who has already been there and done that.

DD1 has never had to not be allowed things in order of fairness. For example, DD1 was a certain age when she got her first hamster, so we made DD2 wait until the same certain age. DD1 never had to wait to make things fair, she negotiated what she wanted when she wanted, and didn't have the bar set by older siblings.

So whenever my DD plays the 'it's not fair' card, I always remind her of the benefits of being the eldest and how 'it's not fair' being the youngest either. Sometimes I ask her if she would like me to make it fair (and take away all her oldest privileges), she soon changes her mind .

I remember when ds1 and friends started partying seriously in yr10, we had to have names, addresses, preferably phone numbers, liked to drop off, insisted on picking up, were shocked when it became evident that ............ alcohol was commonplace

Our tolerance timeline was hugely telescoped for ds2, down from about 2 years to 6 months!

We often joke that by the time ds3 (9) gets to 14/15, we'll be shoving him out of the door with a 4 pack of Kopparberg, telling him not to make too much noise when he comes in.

I think we probably have even though DS is only 19mths younger. However, it also has a lot to do with personality and confidence too - DS has always been very independent and self -assured.

But if course - each child has a certain amount of negotiations they win, just the later children don't have to win the earlier ones again