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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want some understanding, if not sympathy?

15 replies

ThePawOfSympathy · 09/04/2014 22:53

A few weeks ago I had a biopsy at my local hospital. I received a letter shortly afterwards giving me "the earliest possible appointment" at the xx cancer clinic, but no details about what was the matter with me. I found this hugely distressing - I have a huge family history of this particular type of cancer - it has killed several members of my family. I was a mess for about 10 days - unable to hold it together for long, and crying all the time. I finally, through PALS managed to get my diagnosis from a nurse, over the phone. While the diagnosis itself was the "least worst" outcome - it was the cancer that is rife in my family, but had not spread and they had got it all out, there is a very, very high probability that it will recur (about 80% chance), and for this reason, I have to have three month checks, possibly dropping to six month checks, for life.

My DH seems to have no comprehension of a) my early distress or b) the fact that the cancer is likely to come back. He gets very fed up with my crying (I am still a bit tearful, almost daily) and says he doesn't know what I am crying for, they got the cancer out, I'm still here. He just doesn't get it. he has never been faced with anything like this, and has never lost any friends or close relations. His view is that I am fine, should just stop wailing and get on with life. I have this huge weight hanging over me, and the possibility that our children also have inherited this genetic link (and will have to be tested in due course). He seems to have no idea how or even why this is affecting me the way it is, and I don't know how to get into his head what it is like to face up to your own mortality. I have tried to discuss it with him, and ended up shouting, and he just says "I really don't see what the problem is," and "It's not really cancer, anyway."

OP posts:

CeliaFate · 09/04/2014 23:01

Could he just be burying his head in the sand? You know the attitude of "Well I don't care anyway" to suppress his fear.

If not, then you need to educate him. Could you arrange an appointment at your follow up so the consultant goes over the details with him to get him to understand your point of view.
If he won't listen to you, write him a letter explaining exactly how you feel and what you need from him.

You've been through the mill and want love and understanding. He's probably terrified and wants things to go back to normal.

Mitchy1nge · 09/04/2014 23:02

of course you are not unreasonable, it's a huge shock that was badly handled at the start and as you say will never quite fully go away

people can say very stupid things sometimes but usually they mean to express something hopeful and positive and forward looking even if they are frightened too, I agree with Celia he is probably terrified

Original poster

ThePawOfSympathy · 09/04/2014 23:15

Yes, I guess it could be the ostrich effect. I will try and get him to come to my next appointment with me, although no doubt he will have some pressing work stuff that he can't miss.

I would like to get back to normal too! I haven't worn make up to work for weeks, because I know I am going to have to reapply it at some point.

Thank you both.

OP posts:

lollerskates · 09/04/2014 23:16

That sounds absolutely terrifying for you. I think - and hope - that the previous posters must be right, and his attitude is based in a complete inability to even consider the possibility that you might actually get ill. Unless he's unsupportive in other areas, of course.

Original poster

ThePawOfSympathy · 09/04/2014 23:22

Well, he has his moments, Loller, but I thought he had been improving of late!

OP posts:

Mitchy1nge · 09/04/2014 23:32

you don't have to have been affected by something directly in order to recognise when it is distressing someone and for your impulse to be to alleviate that in some way

is he trying in maybe less head on ways, distracting you or thinking of nice things for you both to do or coming up with stuff to look forward to?

Original poster

ThePawOfSympathy · 09/04/2014 23:35

No, sadly not!

OP posts:

Mitchy1nge · 09/04/2014 23:37

having said that my friend is very very very sick and people (educated, kind, loving people) have come out with the most ridiculous and unhelpful things along the whole way so far - eventually she had to get her parents to send out a mass email spelling out what was and was not welcome

do you have a macmillan nurse you could talk to together?

Original poster

ThePawOfSympathy · 10/04/2014 07:19

Mitchy - I think I'm going to make sure (and not accept any excuses) that he comes to see the geneticist with me next month - after all, this is something that's likely to affect his children as well.

OP posts:

LIttleMissTickles · 10/04/2014 07:32

Of course YANBU. I had a very sudden, out of the blue cardiac arrest a couple of months ago, and only survived because there was a defibrillator nearby, and someone to use it! I have been amazed at my DH's patience with my (still) ongoing tearful days and self pity/inward focus. This is not stealth boasting. He is literally the only person in my life like this. My family and friends have all 'moved on' and roll their eyes etc if I bring it up. I'm constantly being told to 'just be grateful that you're alive' and of course I am, but that doesn't make everything else easier. My GP says it's similar to post traumatic stress disorder, and to be patient.

My heart goes out to you, because without my DH's patient support and talking about it over and over, I would be a proper mess. I hope you have someone else - maybe a sister? - to give you the emotional support that you need to work through this very real trauma in your own time.

WheresMrMonkey · 10/04/2014 07:38

Lots of sympathy from here

trinity0097 · 10/04/2014 07:46

A lot of men work in a very black and white way, in his mind it is totally reasonable to say they got it out and you survived. He wants you to live for the present not loll in the past. That's how a lot of people operate.

Whilst it's ok to be a bit anxious I don't think crying every day is helpful at all, especially for the rest of your family, and if you are this distressed you need to get yourself to your GP for some ADs and/or counselling etc... I have a friend who lived with the very strong possibility of getting breast cancer, she has the cancer gene etc, but she always went about life in the most upbeat positive way, making sure the kids had a great time, so that if the worst did happen they would have loads of happy memories to look back on rather than a depressive anxious mother, worrying about something you have very little power to do anything about.

Gurnie · 10/04/2014 07:51

Yanbu at all op and I'm really sorry about your experience and situation. I think the vast majority of people would feel like you do. Sorry for your situation too LittleMiss....how scarey.

I think other posters are right though. I think your husband is minimising this because the sort of denial makes him feel a bit calmer. It may also be because he has never experienced serious illness himself and just really doesn't understand how distressing it is or the nuances of it.

I was a bit like this the first time my DW was ill. She had a cancer scare, followed by a major op, it really knocked her back. I was all "come on, chin up, think positive". Then the next year I became very ill myself with a chronic illness and totally saw how irritating and impatient my approach was. My poor DW now has a really painful problem with her back for which she will need surgery and my approach is completely different this time because I really know how it feels to be in a situation where you don't know what the future holds, are in pain alot of the time and sometimes have to deal with not so helpful Drs when you are not feeling assertive yourself.

Huge hugs to you op. It must be a very difficult time for you.

Ginfox · 10/04/2014 08:16

Paws if he is anything like my DH he wants to "fix" whatever is wrong, but if that is not possible he would be at a loss what else to do. I have had to explain before that what I need is someone to listen, and someone to comfort me. I'm not telling him how I feel so he can do something about it, but so he knows how I feel and why I'm upset.

I also wonder if your dh thinks that carrying on life as normal is the best way for you all to cope. it might work for some, but if not for you, he needs to know.

FrancesNiadova · 10/04/2014 10:46

Give Macmillan a call on 0808 808 00 00, they will be able to talk to you about your worries & might be able to put you in touch with a counsellor.

Being diagnosed is a huge shock, then you begin the treadmill of surgery & treatment. Once it's over & you begin to think beyond your next appointment & begin to realise what you've actually been through, you can go into almost a post-traumatic stress: I did!

Talk to you GP, Oncologist or Macmillan, you'll find that you're not on your own

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