to not let DS go to MILs tomorrow?

[Fairy1303]

Lots of background here so will be long, sorry.

DS is 10 months and MIL looks after him on Thursdays whilst I go to work.

DH and I separated in Dec because of his significant anger issues.

The whole family is the same. MIL is nuts (she was the one who used to steal swimsuits if you remember!) but does love DS and is generally fine with him.

SIL (absolute Fucking nut job) is currently visiting for easter. Every single time she visits, she is abusive. She shouts, she screams, she calls everyone a cunt in front of the children. She is completely unhinged.

I told MIL a while ago that I would rather DS wasn't there with SIL as I don't want him around all that horribleness.

She spoke to me, said SIL is much better, she's desperate to meet DS properly (she lives other end of the country) etc etc.

She has been down for two days, and today she spent the whole day screaming, smacked MIL round the face!! And has made my DSD (currently staying there) cry because of how hideous it is.

MIL says she is going home. She often does this though and they don't actually make her go, and she stays until the next incident a few days later.

I said to MIL that if SIL was there tomorrow I don't want DS there and can she let me know so I can get alternative childcare. I was very nice about it but said I just don't want DS around people like that, after all, that's why I left DH!

MIL thinks I'm being 'frightfully difficult' and 'stopping her having her grandchild' and 'contributing to an already difficult situation'

AIBU?

Hell no! I'd not allow her to care for my pet rock, let alone a child!

Keep you DS safely away from them all.

Get proper childcare.

You're definitely NBU not to send DS!

YADNBU

So sorry to hear things are still difficult for you Fairy. I've missed a chunk of the story too. I remember your MIL wouldn't have anything to do with your DS at one point. (is that right?)

Find alternative childcare.

:( for DSD

I think you need to organise professional child care.

Ignoring the lunatic sil if your mil minimised behaviour like this and has obviously badly brought up her own children (ex and sil) why are you letting her anywhere near your ds?

How old is dsd?

You realise that her witnessing domestic violence is child abuse?

I think I'd use official childcare instead of grandparents full stop. I dont know how you can trust grandparents unsupervised? Dont you feel its a risk? These grandparents must have huge anger issues themselves as your ex and SIL definitely got it from somewhere!! How did they become violent/aggressive? What actually happened to them as children?

MIL had mental health problems when they were younger and was undoubtably angry herself - she was sectioned, recieve support in a mother and baby type place and she has improved greatly, and although she still has issues she is generally not aggressive and loves her grandchildren - if anything too much.

I absolutely know that witnessing domestic violence is child abuse thebody - that's why I left my husband and why I have said MIL can't have DS is SIL is there.

I don't have any jurisdiction over DSD anymore. All I can do is suggest.

I'm making a child protection referral today for my niece.

Why are you letting your child into what is a clearly abusive situation?!
Why are you letting these people care for your child?

Because MIL is not abusive and SIL lives the other end of the country - I am not letting them care for DS whilst she is here. When she is home it is not abusive.

It's not ideal, I agree but in all honesty, I'm now a single parent, I pay for three days at nursery and I can't afford to pay anymore.

You need to find proper childcare for the sake of your children. There are professionals who don't behave like they do. Why are you letting your child enter an abusive household?

You have a duty of care to protect your child from physical and emotional harm. Your child could have been injured in the cross fire and is clearly at risk of emotional harm. Social services can get involved with a parent who doesn't protect a child from such risk. I am a solicitor and have been involved in cases like this. You have taken the brave step to remove your child from the risks presented by his father and that must also extend to the grandmother, if she is incapable or unwilling to put the child's welfare before her and her adult daughter's needs. Stand your ground, you are clearly the most rational adult in an extended family of irrational people.

What booitsme said.
Well done btw.

She favourites your DSD to the point of beyond extreme, stealing her clothes from you, faking reasons to take things from your house, she has shown blatant preferential treatment of your DSD over that of your DS.

MIL allows abuse to carry on in front of her and perpetrated against and in the company of her GC.

The KINDEST thing I could say about her is that she is TOXIC, but if you allow the abuse of babies on your watch, then in my mind you are ALLOWING abuse and therefore are abusive.

she is not fit to have care of children, and thank god you have referred DSD to child protection. I hope to god that they can help stop this harmful treatment of her.

Being a golden child is AS harmful to a child as being neglected. Just harms in a different way.

Get proper professional paid for child care. seriously. whatever it takes.

by you, I was referring to MIL, clearly, not you OP!

you are making great inroads into seeing the dynamics threatening your family. as time goes by, things will be clearer to spot.