I am BU! Please give me a (nice) kick up the arse, before I end up a complete recluse!

[PurplePunkPrincess]

I am 31 weeks pregnant, and have 2ds who are 7 and 5. I was a single parent for 4 years, during that time I can honestly say as much as I made mistakes, I was a good loving parent, I had a clean tidy home and well fed children, I looked after my appearance, was happy and confident, I worked bloody hard at college and working full time and had more than my fair share of bad luck, but also a lot of my proudest achievements are from within part of my life.

I guess I pushed myself a bit too much for a while, took an exciting job that was 50 hours a week and agreed to continue onto a part time course at college. I had 1 child at school and 1 a year away from starting but somehow managed to arrange childcare and pay for it. This was September 2012.

By January 2013, I left the job because I hated it and it drained me and found something better. But the company disappeared one day, I never got paid and because I had no proof I worked there, I ended up owing loads of money to the childminder, council (who I rented from) as well as tax credits, housing benefit, council tax etc. and had to claim single parent benefits again.

I had to get rid of my car, and pay back what I could to everyone and I decided to wait until my youngest started school that year and or try for something very suitable and part time in the mean time. I couldn't find a job and ended up finding myself depressed.

I slowly stopped seeing my friends and staying home, finding myself with less energy and less able to even keep my flat as clean as it was when I worked, and even before I worked when the boys were little.

I was in a casual(ish) long distance relationship for most of this period, from before I took the job on. The relationship developed as I stopped working. And now we are very much in love and happy.

I had hit a very very bad period with depression at the same time I found out I was pregnant. I had mostly kept myself on my room and cried. I cried because of how bad it had got, and how unfair it was on my kids and everything else.

I have now moved house, and started on anti depressants and have stopped crying, other than hormonal pregnant woman tears. But pregnancy has been rough, I have had really awful sickness, preterm labour, a couple of hospital stays, spd etc.

My dp works from home, so has been doing school runs since I first stayed in hospital.

I don't really know anyone around here. And because I had distanced myself from everyone before I moved, I feel it would feel a bit fake to go back and visit. Though I do visit family.

Things are much better. The house is messy but not too bad and everything is almost kept on top off, laundry and dishes etc. the kids now play out with other children in the cul de sac, and football in the garden, and they eat more home cooked meals and fruit since we moved. I do their homework everyday, not once a week. They spend more time with me and my dp.

Being pregnant has made me realise my happiest time was when my kids were small before I went to college, worked and became a single parent. I loved cooking, keeping my house clean, walking to the park and mum and toy groups and coffee mornings most days.

This realisation has made me appreciate my life, and definitely my children. And I am enjoying it more.

But I know I still need to do better, and I need to get out of the house more! But everyday the realisation of feeling very nauseous to start with, having to locate clean suitable clothing and having to sort out my hair and feeling tired and sore, makes me sit down and read a book.

I am nervous about having to start school runs again, and feel my dp shouldn't have to do so much. I'm only pregnant for gods sake!

But I don't know where to begin, I would like to sort the house out, I would like to take the kids out on their bikes, make myself look more presentable, feel more confident, deal with issues from the past etc etc.

I'm concerned that I will develop a phobia of going out. Once the baby comes, I am planning on spending most of the summer out and about at the park and forest with the kids like I did before the depression. But I'm worried if I wait until then I will find new reasons to stay home.

This isn't really an aibu? But wanted traffic. Suggestions on how to get motivated or something would be appreciated, but I feel better for just writing this so I don't expect a reply to this what must be far too long post.

I guess I

I would like to sort the house out, I would like to take the kids out on their bikes, make myself look more presentable, feel more confident, deal with issues from the past etc etc.

That's a lot of big stuff, please don't tell yourself you've got to master all of it all at once.

I do know that feeling of not getting started because you just don't know where to begin, and stuff seeming overwhelming. The only thing that works for me is being completely non-linear about it it. So, there is no 'do task A, then that will enable you to do project B, which in turn will clear the way for task C...' because then if any one of those doesn't get done it feels as though you've failed at the whole lot and nothing will ever change. You sort of just need to act, to make a start, and then muddle through. It's like the secret of successful dieting, you have to start afresh every day without beating yourself up about the day before.

So, if you got up quite early, and downed a decaff coffee and went for a walk, you would have got out of the house. That takes the big guilt/fear issue of getting out of the house out of the equation. Then, whatever else happens with the rest of the day, you don't have to go through it lugging all the self-reproach about not getting out of the house around with you.

Next day, no walk, but perhaps you go to a book shop and browse some books to deal with confidence/the past, or something equally random. Bake. You get the bikes out with a view to a bit of maintenance so you can do the bike ride at the weekend. Tell the kids, so it is harder to back out.

If you have a day where you don't get the randomly allocated task done, fine. There's always tomorrow.

It's just a mental trick so that you feel less fear or guilt or panic, because that makes it easier to get off to some kind of start.

did your gp prescribe some CBT or and therapy alongside the antids?

see if you can get something on nhs. someone good can help you develop strategies

your story is an excellent example of how things can go wrong for the best of us. but you're still breathing, and where there is life...

choose one small thing and do it till its done. then another.

i am in a similar, but worse, state than you. do not end up like me. no-one, not even close family, has been into my house for a visit for at least five years. when you have it all sorted, think of me. i will still have more to do. one little bit at a time. when i said i was working on the house to be able to ask them round, daughter said to toddler granddaughter 'did you hear that, baby? 2014!' that's what she thinks of me. someone who can't get anything done. let that be your gentle kick up the bum - do it or your baby will one day think badly of you.

one bit at a time. you'll get there and so will i.

and its the same for going out. to the front door, to the gate, to the corner of the street, to the shop, to the park... one small thing at a time. if you go to the playground regularly with your children, especially in the school holidays, you will see the same mums there day after day.. who knows... they might say hello.

good luck.

You are being so harsh on yourself!

Be kinder to yourself...sounds like you had a tough time and have done the best ypou could for your family.

Thank you for your lovely replies, I am going to go back to my GP. CBT was recommended before I moved but I never started. I also think I may ask about switching my medication as I think the bad nausea is related to that.

I agree with the dieting idea, I've always said it's about making small regular improvements, instead of the 'start it all Monday' approach.

My other half is going out this evening with his friend, who because of logistics and things in his mate's life atm he hasn't seen him a while. My first instinct was to think, what? Without me? So I have to be at home on my own all evening? Omg, what will I do with myself!

Then I realised that is stupid, I should enjoy the evening to myself. I often get annoyed that he seems to be at home too often!

I made myself a bath bomb, and about to go have a bath. It hasn't set but the effect will pretty much be the same!

I am thinking tomorrow after school, I will take a walk with the boys on their scooters just round the neighbour hood to explore a little.

I know what I need to do to be happier, I think I just needed to tell someone! And to remember, I am recovering from depression now, not so much suffering.

Thank you :)