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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm so confused

25 replies

Pinkdolphin82 · 09/04/2014 10:56

I've been with my husband 8 years, married 6. We have been trying for a baby for 7 years and 5 years ago found out that we would need IVF due to problems with both of us. I was told I would need to loose weight first, because of my depression it has taken me until now to get my mind focused and since the end of January I've lost almost 2 stone.

A month ago we looked after our 9 month old nephew for 4 days and day after we took him home my husband turned around and said he longer wants a child ever. He says that having our nephew made him realise how dependant on your time they are and how you have to constantly watch them. I told him that was a selfish reason.
Since then my husband says we should split up, that my choices are be with him and accept I will never have a child or leave and find someone else.
I don't want anyone else, when I said my marriage vows I meant them.

IVF may not even work for us and if that's the case in time I would come to terms with that but for him to take away my chance at it is heart breaking.

The one thing I've ever wanted is to be a mum, when I was 12 my mum just didn't bother with my youngest brother and I practically raised him.

I love my husband so much but already I can feel myself starting to resent him.

I'm almost 32 and feel my window of motherhood is slowly closing

I feel so lost.

OP posts:

honeythewitch · 09/04/2014 11:11

A child deserves to be wanted by both parents, so i think you have no option but to leave if you are determined to have children.
If you decide to stay with him you need to take into account how you would feel if you stayed, had no children and he ended the relationship when it was too late for to you to conceive.
Do you think this is his way of ending the relationship? Sometimes when people say they dont want children they mean they dont want children with YOU!
Follow your heart.

DoJo · 09/04/2014 11:29

His reasons for not wanting children are selfish, but surely all reasoning behind the decision is inherently selfish too. If he won't change his mind and you won't change yours then you have reached an impasse - he is happy with the status quo and you aren't so if having a child is more important than having him, you have to leave him and pursue that option.

It is heartbreaking, but can you see a future for your relationship if you feel as though he has robbed you of your chance to be a mother? Do you think you could stay married and not resent him in years to come, particularly when the window for motherhood has been slammed behind you?

wobblyweebles · 09/04/2014 12:02

Couples counselling?

Original poster

Pinkdolphin82 · 09/04/2014 12:07

We are on the waiting list for couples counselling. We can't afford to go to relate.

OP posts:

PinkyHasNoEars · 09/04/2014 12:18

I'm so sorry you're facing this, as it sounds like a situation where no one comes out feeling ok.

I suppose it is a decision that can only be made once you have thought through what you would like most from your life. I don't think you can do that quickly, and you might need some help with it. Do you think your husband would consider going to Relate with you? My husband and I had a really good experience with them.

PinkyHasNoEars · 09/04/2014 12:19

Cross post - sorry.

Forgettable · 09/04/2014 12:57

He has been honest and open with you, as soon as he realised his change of heart. Commendable, really.

I am sorry.

Kannet · 09/04/2014 13:02

Didnt your husband post about this a few weeks ago?

Original poster

Pinkdolphin82 · 09/04/2014 13:02

I do appreciate his honesty but just don't understand his complete change of heart.

OP posts:

Abra1d · 09/04/2014 13:04

What he hasn't factored in is that the feeling of love you have for your own child means that you don't find the sheer slog of looking after him/her is quite the same as looking after another person's child. I think this is particularly true for men. My husband was aghast at how much work my niece and nephew were when they were little, but quickly adapted to having two little children himself.

Forgettable · 09/04/2014 13:07

You might not be able to understand it, ever.

I do feel for you, and for him as well.

Calloh · 09/04/2014 13:10

I can see why your head is spinning, that's a very quick about turn. I am presuming he hadn't had much contact with children before?

I agree with Abra, have you discussed that the love should make it easier, although perhaps not immediately.

There is no compromise possible. It must be so horrid for you Pink but I see no way out; if he is certain on this then you need to leave. It is unfair for either of you to be expected to change your minds and would only store up more trouble for later with a child caught up in it.

firesidechat · 09/04/2014 13:11

OP, has your husband posted about this recently? It sounds very familiar.

consideringadoption84 · 09/04/2014 13:12

Oh, I'm so sorry. What a horrible situation :(

Had your husband never been around a baby before?? He can't help how he feels unfortunately but I'm surprised that he can have gone through so much effort towards trying to get a baby without knowing for sure it's what he wants.

I have no idea how to advise you. I'm 30, single and would adore children but don't want a relationship so I can kind of understand the feelings. But it's much harder and more complicated with the situation you are in.

Original poster

Pinkdolphin82 · 09/04/2014 13:24

I'm not aware of him posting on here.

He has a brother 12 years younger and 17 years younger and a sister 18 years younger. We also have 2 nieces from his older brother that are 3 yrs and 11 months also our nephew with his older sister who is now 10 months. He adores them.

OP posts:

firesidechat · 09/04/2014 13:30

Well there was a post in relationships (I think) a few weeks ago with an eerily similar situation from the husband's point of view. May just a coincidence, but the nephew's age was the same too.

Original poster

Pinkdolphin82 · 09/04/2014 13:43

It may well of been him. He's not been talking to me as such recently just "my mind is made up and that's that"

OP posts:

firesidechat · 09/04/2014 14:02

I think it may well have been him, but I feel very uncomfortable about linking to the thread.

I hope you can sort it out.

Nennypops · 09/04/2014 14:06

He's made up his mind terribly quickly without thinking this through. There is a quantum difference between looking after someone else's baby for four days and looking after your own. As we all know, after even the most horrendous night you can forgive your own baby everything the moment he grins delightedly up at you as if none of it happened. Can you not try to persuade him at least to think about the fact that one experience of babysitting is totally unrepresentative of the reality?

BadgersRetreat · 09/04/2014 16:57

Hmm, I suspect he might have felt like this before you looked after your nephew, and used this as his 'reason'.

What adult needs to actually look after a baby for a few days to realise they are 'very dependant and you need to watch them all the time'?

Sorry you are going through this OP, it must be extremely distressing.

WilsonFrickett · 09/04/2014 17:01

You've been trying for a child for 7 years and after 4 days he changes his mind and that's it, no discussion?

Nah, I'm not buying it OP. I suspect there's something else going on. Maybe it's the grind of IVF, maybe he wants you both to say 'enough' and move on, maybe he's always felt this way, but I don't think someone changes their mind about something that big, that fast.

Normalisavariantofcrazy · 09/04/2014 17:10

I'm of the school of thought he's got something (probably someone) else going on behind the scenes for him to decide something like that after such a lengthy ttc process.

Ask him outright, he can't dictate to you and not expect you to come back at him

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 09/04/2014 17:19

The only men's threads I've seen were ones where they had kids already and didn't want more.

I'm sorry op. I really think it's over.

Original poster

Pinkdolphin82 · 09/04/2014 18:30

I love him so much but he has literally shattered my world

OP posts:

firesidechat · 09/04/2014 22:26

The only men's threads I've seen were ones where they had kids already and didn't want more.

I can assure you that the thread definitely exists and is identical to the OP's post. I wouldn't post if I wasn't absolutely sure of my facts.

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