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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Ask My Stepdaughter To Knock Off Her I Pad At Dinner

22 replies

rb512022 · 09/04/2014 10:37

Hi I sadly separated from my wife about 4 weeks ago...It was her idea not mine and I am very upset and miss my family dearly.

We have 3 kids - 12yo stepdaughter and we have 2 boys together a 6yo & a 2yo

The biggest single thing we argued on over the last year was how ro bring up the kids. I was a bit more conservative and liked to have a few boundarys but the wife was nearly the polar opposite.

She would let the boy for instance play on the Nintendo or I Pad from shcoll finish time virtually non stop until he went to bed at 830pm....The step daughter was also on her I pad non stop from 4pm until 1030pm nearly every single day.

I used to hate this but my wife lost her mum 18 months ago and she totally changed....She has this life is too short for rules attitude that clashed big time with mine...

Anyway to my question.....I see the boys regulary but not the step daughter who is naturally very close to her mum....I took her and her brothers out last week for dinner to a Brewers fayre type thing and she had her I pad on all the time tapping away all through dinner and would not put it away......The one small chance I get to see her and she's on that thing!!!! ahh

Is it going too far to say yes I would love you to come out to dinner etc but can you please switch that thing off even if its just for 1 hour while we eat.

Things got that stupid at home that my wife let them bring their pads to the dinner table.....it used to wind me up......my opinion was totally ignored so we split up....

But what about me and the stepfdaughter can I impose this kind of thing or do I just let it go.?????

Without question I love all my 3 children equally

OP posts:

Ruprekt · 09/04/2014 10:41

Of course it is not unreasonable.

It is rude to be on any gadget when you are with real people.

I spent the day with Sil the other week and she kept Instagramming what we did instead of just enjoying the day. Drove me mad.

You are the grown up. She is the child. Be in charge.

PurpleWithaMysteryBun · 09/04/2014 10:43

We have a rule of no technology at the table, could you not implement this while they stay with you? There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries that are different to their mums while there are with you.

I would reassure stepdaughter that you love her and explain the no technology is because you want to spend time with her.

Sounds like your wife could use some counselling in regards to losing her mother tbh

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 09/04/2014 10:43

YANBU

It is plain bad manners to be playing with an ipad all through a meal. Ask her to switch it off.

sezamcgregor · 09/04/2014 10:44

Tell them that you enjoy spending time with them and as it doesn't happen very often that you have them over to see them and to enjoy their company.

Tell them that they can play games/chat to friends etc any time, but time that you have with them is precious.

If Stepdaughter doesn't want to spend time with you and would rather spend time with her ipad, then she doesn't have to come but in future, can ipads please be left at their mum's - or to a time specified by you - and left at your house if you go out anywhere.

I'd not nag about it being rude, but just stress that the time you have together is short and you want to enjoy it as much as possible, hear about her week etc

WaitMonkey · 09/04/2014 11:57

You've posted a bit before about your situation, haven't you ? I glad you are finally seeing your dd and YANBU. I totally agree with you. My dc will not be allowed technology when they are teen's at mealtimes.

sleepsforwimps2010 · 09/04/2014 12:07

we have a 'no toys at the table' rule.
The kids are fine . DH however needs reminding to put his phone away!
ynbu.

Ilovexmastime · 09/04/2014 12:12

YANBU, I never allow anything at the dinner table, let alone electronics.

WooWooOwl · 09/04/2014 12:28

Yanbu.

WilsonFrickett · 09/04/2014 12:30

Is this the step-daughter you've hardly seen since the split? If so and if I haven't got you mixed up with someone else, great that she's come out with you. You would not be U to say 'Ipads away, we're eating now' but it is likely she'll strop and not come along next time. Which will be enabled by her DM, no doubt. So I really don't know what to suggest

AlfAlf · 09/04/2014 12:41

I agree with Wilson. YANBU and I don't allow devices at dinner either, but your situation with DSD sounds tenuous and she's also at a tricky age, so if I were you I'd tread carefully. You may need to acknowledge that she is older than the boys, and offer some compromise.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 09/04/2014 12:45

No, you're not being unreasonable at all. In our house, if we're eating, then all machines (phones, I-pads, whatever) are forbidden. I pass a basket around for such machinery to be deposited into (even with guests). We talk instead.

Original poster

rb512022 · 09/04/2014 12:46

Hi Guys thanks for your help

Waitmonkey - Yes that's me

Wilson - You hit the nail on the head, that is what I am worried about...As is stands the poor SD is stuck in the middle and does not know where to turn..A lot of my texts or calls to her go unanswered and I know my wife hardly encourages her to see me anyway. Not that we are split up after a 10 year relationship she seems to have become very protective of her (what I thought was our !!) daughter and when we talk about the kids visisting me she only talks about our 2 boys....She never mentions the 3 of them ever which really saddens me.

I know i am not the real Dad but always treated her exactly as my own....She is slowly slipping away from me already as if its not supported by her mum the relationship is probably doomed.

Im just worried about aggravation the little bit of a relationship we still have left....Do I stick to my principles ref I pads etc or be more easy going???

I just don't know its such a crappy sad situation....I wish we were all back together but I am moving forward as if it wont happen

OP posts:

TheFuzz · 09/04/2014 12:48

You are absolutely right. It's damn rude

WilsonFrickett · 09/04/2014 12:48

Yes Evans but if I have the right poster, there is a backstory here where the 12yo has not been interested in any contact, nor has this been facilitated by the XP. So while I would normally agree 100% with you, the op is trying to build some bridges here.

WilsonFrickett · 09/04/2014 12:50

X-post.

Sorry things are no better OP but at least you've seen her. Maybe it would be better to do some sort of activity where screens won't work? Cinema or ice skating or something like that?

Davsmum · 09/04/2014 12:51

It depends how important her being there is to you.
Personally, I would not allow her to use the ipad at dinner. Its ignorant behaviour and not a good example to her younger siblings.
You can still maintain boundaries even if there are 'problems' in a relationship. For consistency you should stick to your rules.
If your step daughter decides she does not want to spend time with you because of that rule, then you have to accept her choice - It is sad though that her mother would not back you up on this

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 09/04/2014 12:53

Oh, ok Wilson - sorry then - I didn't know (obviously).
Sorry OP if I said the wrong thing there.
Hard to know what advice to give in that case, not having been in that situation.
I'll butt out!
Good luck OP

WilsonFrickett · 09/04/2014 13:04

No worries Evans, as I say I'd normally be right there with the basket

Original poster

rb512022 · 09/04/2014 13:13

Over the last 2 weeks we have exchanged a few text.....Night xxx etc back and forth but I last saw her on Fri 28th..

She agreed to come out to happy hour pizza dinner with me last Friday night as I did not have the boys stopping.....She then rang me at 5pm saying her mum had fell out with her and she did not know what to do....I told her don't worry about it.....don't fall out with your mum (even if she is just been grumpy and obstructive) and we can can do it another time.....I played it down as much as I could to make her feel more comfortable....She said what about next Wednesday night (which is today) but after texting her last night I don't have a reply....Think I am just going to have to leave it and just keep reminding her I am there for her is she ever needs me..

What a carry on!!!

OP posts:

WilsonFrickett · 09/04/2014 13:48

It is still early days OP. Keep going with the wee texts, texts where you don't ask anything of her are a really good idea - daft photos or 'night, thinking of you'. Keep it very light and keep the lines of communication open.

And call her now to just say 'hey you, are we doing pizza tonight because I totally want a Fiorentina'.

good luck

Goldmandra · 09/04/2014 14:04

Why not give her credit for some maturity and ask her to help you solve this problem.

Explain that your time with her and the boys is now limited and will be for the foreseeable future. That means that you want to make the most of your time together and don't want it to be wasting by ignoring each other in favour of screens. You also need her help to set an example to her brothers.

Acknowledge that she's used to using her iPad a lot and at her age she wants to be in touch with her friends too. Then ask her to suggest a compromise which allows her to have some time on the iPad while you're together but creates a generally family rule while you're all together that can apply to everyone.

Original poster

rb512022 · 10/04/2014 10:05

Hey thanks Wilson .....I am trying my best to keep it low key

Gold......Good points I will take on board

Bottom line is I AM a great loving dad who just wants to be there for his kids no matter what

Many thanks to everyone who replied
xx

OP posts:

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