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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to decline an invite to this wedding

48 replies

ballseditup · 08/04/2014 17:51

My uncle is getting married in june and I got a save the date last year.

got my invite just after xmas and obviously didn't read it properly But I've just looked at it again to send my (late!) RSVP and it's evening only! I've rung my dm and dd and DSis and they all have full day invites and are at me only getting an evening only invite.

So don't dripfeedmy uncle and I don't really talk much but were very close when younger (he is much younger than my ddad)My DSis sees him more but not much. And I'm not sure my uncles fiancÃ© likes me much.

Tbh I don't care much about going now but it seemed odd to me and just makes me feel a bit of an outsider.

I will feel very strange I think just turning up for the evening with my family being there all day. AIBU to decline. I know my grandparents will be upset

Before any1 asks I did get the request for cash with the inviteto!

OP posts:

brokenhearted55a · 08/04/2014 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkie1982 · 08/04/2014 18:34

This happened to me. I had a save the date for my cousins wedding then when I got the invite it was evening only. I was quite upset and checked with the other family members. My aunt got word and the invitations had got mixed up. They were so apologetic, I knew it was a genuine mistake as I had been speaking with my cousin previously regarding the day and work with her DH.
Try to check it is right

IwinIwin · 08/04/2014 18:41

To be honest in this case I would check with someone. You don't generally send STD cards to evening guests, just day ones so that they are aware whether they'll need to take time off. Also all your family being invited without you is very odd without a falling out.

I'd probably email your uncle tbh. If it's a misunderstand he'll be very embarrassed and panicking who got your day invite. If you are the only one evening only then you should find out why because over email he'll be able to actually think and explain rather then say something bluntly. Either way you can decide from his response.

Sixgeese · 08/04/2014 19:36

My cousin forgot to invite me at all to his wedding, we aren't a close family as they have never lived close to us, and they spent their childhood in SA.

I didn't mind not being invited, I don't know them after all, but they invited my DS and DBIL to the whole thing.

It was only just before the wedding when my Aunt was discreetly checking why I hadn't RSVP, they realised that there had been a mistake with the invitations. I still didn't go, they didn't care enough to check everyone had been invited, I was happy not to go.

Helltotheno · 08/04/2014 20:17

Why don't you just make a decision based on ...y'know.. whether you actually want to go. Something along the lines of 'ooh that sounds fun, I think I'll go' or 'Meh, I CBA with that, I think I'll give it a miss'.

Fail-safe method.. it's never let me down any road...

expatinscotland · 08/04/2014 20:21

Don't bother.

Cash request.

For a poxy evening do.

Fuck that.

Decline.

expatinscotland · 08/04/2014 20:29

'is it normal to send save the date to people u only invite to the evening?'

Seems to be increasingly normal going by threads on here, along with touts for cash in evening invitations.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 08/04/2014 20:39

Is it normal to ask for RSPV for evening invites? Not mind STD?

DirtyDancing · 08/04/2014 23:10

I'd decline but say on note was disappointed not to have received an invite to the day time, and regret I won't be coming for the eve only have a great day.

expatinscotland · 09/04/2014 00:28

NO WAY say anything. Just no. Or don't bother at all, you haven't so far.

Definitely don't send any money, either.

takeiteasybuttakeit · 09/04/2014 01:06

I've been not/invited to plenty of weddings where only the parents and one (grown-up) child from each family are invited to the whole day, the rest of the children from that family either aren't invited at all or are just invited to the evening. Pretty normal ime.
I also think that if you verbally told him you'd go then the formal RSVP isn't that big a deal.

ADishBestEatenCold · 09/04/2014 01:15

Is the invitation just for you, or is it for you and DH/DP/Plus1? If for you and another, is your Dsis's invitation just for her? Maybe it's a numbers thing, IYSWIM.

If you are going to decline, word your reply including the word 'evening'.

In fact, if you wanted to really get your point across you could send a beautiful card saying

'Thank you so much for your kind invitation to the Evening Dance/Disco/Whatever at 7.30pm/time, which follows your earlier Wedding Ceremony and Reception on what-date. Unfortunately I am unable to attend, but I do hope you and your Evening Guests have a wonderful time'.

I think they'd get the message! (or maybe just send a pre-printed 'sadly must decline your invitation' type card )

ADishBestEatenCold · 09/04/2014 01:30

I have just noticed on your OP that your Grandparents will be upset so, joking aside, in that case I would think to minimise their upset you should simply send a card to your uncle and his fiancee with a short message saying you are 'very sorry to be unable to attend and that you wanted to send your best congratulations and good wishes for a wonderful day'.

Then I think you should very quietly explain to your Grandparents that, yes, you were a bit upset not to be included with the rest of the family in the daytime invitation, but that when you thought about it you saw that the most important thing for you was that your Grandparents had a good day, so perhaps it was fortunate that you were unable to go anyway.

ShadowsCollideWithPeople · 09/04/2014 04:09

I think sending save the dates, and RSVP cards, to evening guests is weird. Although, I will be honest and say that I don't understand having evening guests at all. Last year I, and a 'select few' cousins were invited to the evening part of another cousin's wedding, a 2 hour drive away. I didn't go, some did, arrived at the appointed time of 9.30pm and weren't allowed in to the room as the speeches were still ongoing. 2 hours later they were finally allowed in to the room. 2 hours of sitting at the bar in a pricey hotel, drinking wine at €7 a glass, waiting to be 'allowed' to attend the wedding to which they had been invited. I was rather delighted that I hadn't been arsed driving 2 hours each way to partake in that delightful event.

I wouldn't go, OP. I would do as ADish said, so as to try and avoid upsetting your Grandparents.

Cerisier · 09/04/2014 04:16

Shadows you had a lucky escape there .

ShadowsCollideWithPeople · 09/04/2014 04:30

I really did, Cerisier! I'd have been so pissed off to be waiting that long that I'd have been necking that €7 a glass wine at a rate that would have left me unable to pay my rent that month . They had 300 day guests, too. I fear I might have choked on my own bile sitting around that long. Actually, my cousins might still be doing that, based on how they talk about that night a year later .

RedFocus · 09/04/2014 11:15

I got a save the date card before an evening invite to my cousins wedding and so did my brothers, no mistake either. We thought it was strange to send a save the date card but the thing is they had chosen a date but not booked the church yet and to save money they just hired a small part of the church so there was no room for us all. Didn't really want to do the whole wedding day thing anyway so it suited us.
If of course my brothers had been invited but not me for some strange reason then I would have politely declined. If they didn't want me at the ceremony then I'm not going to fill out the disco and line their pockets! Especially as they didn't even have a free bar!

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 09/04/2014 11:36

Especially as they didn't even have a free bar!

Most weddings don't have free bars!

The only wedding I've been to with a free bar, the bride's Dad was loaded and paid for the whole thing.

Balaboosta · 09/04/2014 11:41

Does it never occur to anyone that it might be a mistake or mix-up with the invitATIONS?

IwinIwin · 11/04/2014 19:13

RSVPs are useful for evening guests, you need to give venues numbers because they make enough food based on a percentage of the total number of guests and while most day guests would have eaten soonish to the evening buffet time, I've seen some drunkards raiding the evening buffet before evening guests have had a look in.

Justnapping · 11/04/2014 19:45

Might be an error?! Save the dates don't tend to get sent to evening guests. Can you discreetly check with another family member?

SauvignonBlanche · 11/04/2014 19:48

Sounds odd.

Holdthepage · 11/04/2014 20:16

If you don't like the status of your invitation then just don't go. I can honestly say I have never been offended by an evening wedding invitation. Not everyone has a bottomless pit of money to draw on when it comes to weddings.

You are not close to your uncle & suspect that his fiancée doesn't like you save yourself the angst & the money & stay away.

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