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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP thinks I was very U last night, but I don't think so. Very long, sorry!x

22 replies

babybearsmummy · 08/04/2014 12:00

As a few of you will know, I've had constant trouble with my next door neighbour for the whole 2 years we've both moved into our houses. I've had to call our housing association and the police numerous times due to her and whichever partner she's with at the time, fighting, throwing things against the walls and pretty much smashing her own house down in drunken rages.

My o.h has had to give evidence against one of her boyfriends in his trial (domestic abuse against her) but it's come to our attention, through our complaints, that she winds these men up to a point where they get violent with her.

Her dogs are constantly fighting between themselves and attacking any dogs that people bring with them to visit her to the point where I've often seen blood on her patio after an attack, a few weeks ago one of her dogs jumped into my garden (which I have to say frightened the life out of me as I have an almost 2 year old and think that, if her dogs can attack other dogs, what's stopping it going for my child)

Anyway... last night things kicked off again with huge bangs and smashes against the wall between out 2 living rooms, shouting etc. I told dp to call the police (as we're told to do this as soon as they start up) but I think something in me just snapped as NOTHING is being done by our H.A, they've told me they haven't visited her in regards to mine and the police's complaints. I went out into my garden and stood next to the fence looking into her window and she was kicking, punching, kicking and throwing furniture against our joining wall and the wall at 90degrees to it, also kicking and punching the door on the second wall. Then she marched off into her kitchen.

At that point her current boyfriend came out and we had a bit of a chat as to why she was in such a rage and it appeared she was doing the usual "wind them up til they hit me" routine. So told him she needed help and to apologise for her behaviour as dd was asleep in the room above our living rooms and I turned to walk back in.

As I got back to my back door, she waltzed out and started her usual victim act "you've been saying to the H.A that my dog eats babies" and I just saw red and ranted and ranted about all the grief she'd caused us for 2 years, how she's destroying her house and that there's people out there sleeping in shitty hostels with their kids when she's smashing up a beautiful 4 bed house that she's in with her bfs when she could have a flat instead, how shes constantly disturbing our sleep, that she;d get her children back if she actually provided them a safe home, how her dogs are violent and dangerous, how we don't feel safe for ourselves let alone our daughter, how we hate her ridiculous behaviour and that she needs to grow up of get out etc.

At that point dp put his head out the door to say he'd come off the phone to the police and I went back inside.

DP thinks I was unreasonable to have ranted (not shouted) at her and that I'll now be in trouble with the H.A. But surely I wasn't unreasonable to actually tell her how I feel as she isn't being told our side from the H.A and to make her aware that it's totally unacceptable. Surely if I was screamy and shouty and unreasonable the police would have come to speak to me as they would have heard everything on the phone. Sorry for the essay, really needed to get that off my chest!

OP posts:
HecatePropylaea · 08/04/2014 12:06

ok, first of all, there is no excuse for DV. "winding them up until they hit her" is classic victim blaming. They had choices. They could have not hit her. They could have walked out. They could have called the police if she was being aggressive, they could have done any number of things. If they chose to assault her then that was 100% their responsibility and not her somehow 'asking for it' or otherwise being responsible for it.

You are in no way unreasonable for wanting her to stop yelling and throwing stuff and banging stuff and calling the police each time she behaves in an anti social way is the right thing to do. Keep a log of the incidents and involve the housing association. If she is breaking the terms of her tenancy, they can begin proceedings to evict her.

And yes, it would have been better to not yell at her, but you are only human and it sounds like you have reached breaking point. It would be best to not do it again, but to stick with a plan that involves logging incidents and complaining to the HA.

MelanieCheeks · 08/04/2014 12:07

You admit yourself you saw red before the rant - I don't think you could call it "reasonable".

Understandable, certainly, and I do hope the situation improves for you.

NurseyWursey · 08/04/2014 12:14

I don't think you're unreasonable at all someone needs to call her out on her behaviour. What a dick.

Good to see her current fella has sense and removed himself from the situation. He is being abused here, and it's not on.

I hope the situation improves, I'd be absolutely furious in your situation. I think the only thing preventing me from going round to her is the risk of criminal record and thus being struck off!

WooWooOwl · 08/04/2014 12:15

Your rant was understandable, but not entirely reasonable.

You can't seriously think that having a go at a woman when you have just witnessed her smashing things against her wall and who you know has a temper was a sensible course of action to take.

PrimalLass · 08/04/2014 12:18

Totally justified IMO. Not sure I would cross her, but then perhaps it is better that she thinks you'll take no shit.

Nataleejah · 08/04/2014 12:18

Unreasonable. You just can't reason with such kind of human species

Nojustalurker · 08/04/2014 12:22

Domestic violence is never the victim's fault.

I think you were u to getting involved in a rant with somebody who you know is violent you put your self in a risky situation. It won't make anything better.

Concentrate your efforts into contacting local council, victim support, mp and anybody else you can think of who could possibly help you.

pianodoodle · 08/04/2014 12:23

Even if I behaved like this and "wound" my husband up he still wouldn't hit me. He might pick up the children and leave but he wouldn't be violent. Those men didn't have an "excuse" to hit.

I'm sure having the rant wouldn't have got through to her but after putting up with that I don't blame you!

Be careful though as you wouldn't want the situation to escalate and this doesn't sound like the sort of person I'd want to get into an argument with.

Best to do everything through police from now on.

SoleSource · 08/04/2014 12:25

YANBU at all. I ranted at my vile neighbour twice admits seven years of abuse from her, damage to my property, racist verbal assaults on my DS, theft etc

HA did nothing at all to help.

Dawndonnaagain · 08/04/2014 12:26

Entirely understandable. No, you shouldn't have done it, but in your situation I would have been no different. I do hope it sorts for you.

BarbarianMum · 08/04/2014 12:26

You are unreasonable to the buy into the 'she provokes me 'til I had to hit her' crap. No adult needs to around/in a relationship with a volatile/argumentative/nagging person and most adults leave rather than hit.

Having said that, some people seem to be drawn into abusive and unhealthy relationships (think shouting and fighting, usually fuelled by alcohol) and it is a nightmare to live next door to them. I think ranting must have felt really theraputic and you were NBU to do it as a 1 off (but long term keep calling the police and notify HA every damn time).

babybearsmummy · 08/04/2014 12:36

I've been logging everything and calling the HA for every incident for the last 2 years. So much so the office staff know it's my number of their caller display and answer with "Hi babybearsmummy". So I have been reporting and logging everything, it just seems to stop there with no further action being taken on their part.

The know the issue and keep telling me that as long as she's paying her rent they can't evict her and that I just have to wait for her to default on her rent.

But another neighbour called them to report her lack of cleaning up her dog poo for 4mths and was told that was a breach of tenancy and that they'd call her to warn her about it straight away... why can't they call her to warn her she can't behave like this?!! Argh, I wish I had the option to move but 1) we can't afford to up sticks and leave and 2) this is my home and I love it, just not my neighbour.

OP posts:
Comeatmefam · 08/04/2014 12:39

As others said, you can't make someone hit you and despite her dreadful behaviour you are victim blaming. I'd really think about refraining from saying that or thinking in those terms.

However living next to her sounds like a living hell and you have shed loads of sympathy from me.

You are human and you lost it - in that way I don't think you were unreasonable.

Anyway what's done is done, you can't undo your rant. Now just go through the right channels every time - police, report, police. Poor you.

babybearsmummy · 08/04/2014 12:45

Just to add when I say "she winds them up til they lash out at her", they're not my words but what we've been told by police officers that have been round to take statements from us.

OP posts:
SoleSource · 08/04/2014 12:55

Her low self esteem allows him to stay and beat her up.

Keep reporting her, keep a very detailed daily diary. Retaliation on your part does not look good in court.

YoniMatopoeia · 08/04/2014 13:01

That's an awful thing for the police to say.

BarbarianMum · 08/04/2014 13:01

Can you get a copy of the tennency agreement (it will be generic for the HA, so not a question of looking at her private documents iyswim)? I find it really hard to believe they have nothing in there about having to be reasonable about disturbance to neighbours, that's pretty standard in any tennency agreement.

WooWooOwl · 08/04/2014 13:07

It sounds to me like she is abusing this man that she's currently with.

Abuse can be a mutual thing, some relationships are so dysfunctional that the abuse goes both ways.

BarbarianMum · 08/04/2014 13:10

Oh I agree. The couple I knew they used to physically fight each other. It wasn't one-sided at all, just massively f*cked up.

babybearsmummy · 08/04/2014 13:15

Thank you for the suggestion Barbarian, I have a copy of our tenancy agreements and yes, she is in breach of it in regards to the level of noise, disturbance and noise at unsociable hours (fighting and throwing things at all times of the night and then hoovering at silly times like 1am to clear up the evidence before the police arrive) which I've discussed with the H.A.

The office staff agree with me that it's breach of tenenacy, but when it gets to our local housing officer coming to see me to talk about it in detail, I get told she's paying her rent so they can't evict her. It just goes round in circles and apart from writing and calling, which I'm doing, there's nothing else I can do and nothing that's being done

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 08/04/2014 13:34

Her behaviour, as it impacts on your enjoyment of your home, is probably in breach of her tenancy. I'm in council housing and I know there's a clause in mine about not causing a nuisance to neighbours.

pinkie1982 · 08/04/2014 13:39

YANBU. Just don't do it again!
HERE IS MY LONG EXPERIENCE...

I lived in a HA FFF for a year with a neighbour downstairs that was a nightmare.
He used to complain about us making noice (we both work full time, he used to sleep all day so we weren't home to make noise whilst he was sleeping).
He used to wait for DP to go out then start his shouting and swearing. One day I decided to record him on my mobile phone. He was threatening to kill me, stab my mum, smash my windows on my car. I fled to my mums around the corner and called the police. They came out, didn't want to listed to the recording, then they went to see him. He wouldn't open the door so the police went away. I went to the HA the next morning and took a docking station and played the recording at full blast to the housing officer, then said 'I am not leaving until you do something'. The Anti Social Behaviour Team went to court that very day and took out an injunction for him to leave us alone. We were the 6th tenants in the street in a year to have called the police & HA regarding him. He contested the injunction, I had to go to court and explain why I wasnted it to stay in place.
He broke the ASBO within a week, shouting through at me and shouting racist abuse regarding the HO. I recorded this, rang 999 and they arrested him. He went to court the next day and was let home, they adjourned this 3 times then threw it out of court. This was ongoing from May 2012 through to Jan 2013.
All was quiet until my OH cut the grass in May 2013, at 12pm on a Sunday, it woke the neighbour. There were shouts and screams again threatening us, my car, also he was going to burgle our flat then set it on fire. Police didn't come out when we called them. Due to all of this my DP was off work with stress and a broken wrist, he was by this point on antidepressants and I didn't go out without him is fear of bumping into neighbour. It caused arguments and our relationship was breaking down cos I was crying all of the time and tip toeing around. I couldnt put washing machine on, have a shower in the morning, vacuum, or hang washing outside. I got panic attacks & tension headaches and was put on beta blockers from my GP.
It all came to a head after my DP went out to his car, called up something to me and the neighbour opened his front door and threatened DP face to face. My DP saw red too. Put a brick through the window and went in after it, pinned the neighbour to his sofa and told him in no uncertain terms to leave us alone and we had had enough.
My DP got arrested, bailed away from home for 2 months. In the meantime I had to live there alone. It went to court and my DP now has a suspended sentance, 200 hours community service and had 600 costs to pay. We then had to be emergency rehoused after I went to the MP for help as HA deemed it still SAF for me to stay alone. We are not allowed to live in the area again.
Nothing happened to the neighbour and he gained 100 compensation.

Keep a log, ring your HA Antisocial Behaviour Team and ask for an officer and keep on at them. They are the ones that get things done. Our HO stood in the way of that until I demanded they do something. The ASBO Officer was really good and still keeps in contact now. She did all she could do. It turned out the two lots of tenants before us had the same probs and also emergency rehoused. Don't think HA will learn!

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