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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or should nurses not compare mums?

18 replies

Louisajane27 · 07/04/2014 22:47

My lo has been in nicu now for over 3 weeks, he has quite a few health problems but overall is doing well. I over heard a couple of the nurses today comparing how often 2 mums visited. This got me thinking and I started to feel really down about my situation and how much time I spend with ds2. I visit every day and try to be there as long as I can but with ds1 19months at home and oh back at work it's hard! So Aibu and basically a crap mum for not spending more time with ds2 or should the nurses be more sympathetic about each families circumstances?

OP posts:

Geordiegirl79 · 07/04/2014 22:58

Of course you are not a crap mum. You are in a very difficult situation and trying to look after both of your children. I really feel for you and yes I think it is unfair of the nurses to compare mums.

Hoping your little one gets home soon.

Amytheflag · 07/04/2014 22:59

Yanbu and you are not a crap mum. You are trying to be there for both your children at a difficult time. That's not crap.

Tessdurbevilliespoon · 07/04/2014 23:00

Of course you're not being unreasonable and they should not be doing it! There could potentially be issues with patient confidentiality if they are having random conversations on the ward where they can be overheard! It is their job to support you and your family through this difficult and stressful time, not criticising you. I understand you have other things to think about right now, but have you thought about contacting PALS?

for you all!

nappyrat · 07/04/2014 23:03

They we're bring extremely unprofessional. Big hugs to you my lovely - rise above them. They would probably be mortified if they realised the impact of what they had said.

Original poster

Louisajane27 · 07/04/2014 23:12

Thank you everyone, I feel so emotionally torn at the moment. Every time I'm spending time with one son I feel guilty I'm not with the other one, I just can't win I did look round at the nurses when they were talking but I don't know if they saw me. I haven't thought about contacting pals, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Thank you all again.

OP posts:

Amy106 · 07/04/2014 23:14

You are not a crap mother, not at all. You are doing the best you can for your family. Those two nurses should not have been gossiping and judging their patients. Very rude and unprofessional. Best of luck to you and your family!

Babyturnip · 07/04/2014 23:15

Your not rubbish hun, my daughter was in the jr in Oxford for a month when she was born, I could not drive and lived 45 minutes away, my mum had to bring me over every night so I could drop my milk off and give her a quick cuddle and rush back to the others. It was torture. Hope your lo gets well really quickly x xxxx

Oldraver · 07/04/2014 23:26

DS is 8 and when he was in SCBU (JR as well) I heard this stuff.

Lovely as the nurses were, I dont think they had any comprehension whatsover as to the strains on parents in SCBU, the constant back and forth, expressing, juggling other children etc.

Tricycletops · 07/04/2014 23:58

DD was discharged from NICU on Thursday. It was incredibly difficult for us and we live 10 minutes away and have no other children. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be if you've got others at home.

I also agree with oldraver that the nurses don't really understand what the parents go through - I'm not sure anybody who hasn't been there does - but the ones you overheard sound very unprofessional. You're not a crap mum, you're doing the best you can in an incredibly difficult situation. Do get in touch with PALS if you feel able, but mainly look after yourself.

ShadowFall · 08/04/2014 00:09

You're not a crap mum. You're doing your best to be a good mum to both of your children.

It's very unprofessional of the nurses to be making these kind of comparisons. And they sound like a bit like they're forgetting that some mums have older children at home to consider.

definatlylosingmysanity · 08/04/2014 00:12

The fact of you being there as much as you can shows your not a crap mum.

Having a baby in nicu is hard especially whwn you haave other dcs ds3 was in for 19 days as her was 8 weeks prem and I had 3 other children at home. Dd1 was at nursery 2 times a week and I had to ask fiends to watch her on the other days I visited him. You end up feeling torn when your at nicu you worry bout the dc's at home and not being with them and when your at home you worry about not being with the baby.

No parent of a baby in nicu is in the same situation some may be in what seems all the time and others maybe not as much everyone does the best they can.

I had an issue with 1 memmber of staff in nicu with a comment she made to me as I couldnt do over night cares for ds3 before he was due home her comment well if your baby is going home you should be making the effort. I was devastated as I really wanted him home but had no one to look after the others overnight it just wasn't possible. I ended up in tears over it and felt so guilty like I was letting him down. Another member of staff asked if I was ok and I explained what she had said and it was reported for me. They should be understanding of your situation and if you speak to someone there who you feel comfortable with they will reasure you.

definatlylosingmysanity · 08/04/2014 00:13

Sorry for typos using a phone

DomesticSlobbess · 08/04/2014 00:23

YANBU. They were completely unprofessional.

It's hard enough as it is going through your DC being in hospital nevermind being judged on how much you visit.

DS was in SCBU for 7 weeks. We lived a 20 min drive away but I don't drive, so visits were times around DP's shifts so he could drive us and I'd stay there while he went to work and then I'd have to arrange for my parents to pick me up and take me home. Some days we could only be there for two hours and it never felt like enough time.

On a slightly related note, when DS was in there I was a total hermit because of everything that was going on and would only venture out to visit the hospital. A friend of mine took me to lunch after 5 weeks of not going anywhere other than to the hospital and she told me that when she mentioned our plans to her sister, her sister had told her I should be at the hospital with my son not going out "shopping and having lunch". It made me feel so shitty and guilty. I had only met her sister once and that comment has stayed with me ever since. Luckily I don't have to see her often.

MichaelaS · 08/04/2014 00:49

These would be the same breed of thoughtless nurses who said the opposite to me... DS1 was born extremely prem and was in hospital 150days overall. First child, 50miles from home and nothing else to do, I spent about 12 hours a day at his incubator.

One nurse said I should "take a break" and "go out and have a night off". Because that's what you want to do when you have a critically ill baby and you're nowhere near your friends and family.

So I just wanted to say the nurses of that type will judge you either way. You are doing your best. Better than your best, you are worn thin. So ignore them and get through it. Most nurses are lovely, have compassion and understanding, sometimes even personal experience of having a NICU baby. A small minority need to be trained in basic human compassion.

Xxx

sconequeen · 08/04/2014 03:55

As a mum of a premature DD (DC1) who spent almost 8 weeks in SCBU, I agree that some nurses did not seem to have a clue how the parents felt. Because of not being able to drive after the birth, DH being back at work, and me reliant on lifts, plus trying to express regularly and be there to feed DD when she woke, we tended to visit a lot in the evenings and late at night. One nurse said to me "You wouldn't catch me out at midnight visiting my baby in hospital." I also had nurses telling me to take a break and have a night off. Well, erm, I was ttc for almost 10 years, went through repeated IVF, severe pre-eclampsia, an emergency section and premature delivery to have that baby, I didn't have any LOs at home, and it shouldn't have taken much imagination to understand that nothing was going to keep me away from my tiny sweetheart any longer than absolutely necessary! I think that some of them would have preferred for me to be at home so that they could sit and gossip in peace! There was definitely a lack of insight and empathy in evidence, and it sounds as if you have experienced the same problem...

They shouldn't be discussing other mums in your hearing either.

You are doing a fantastic job juggling your time between your LOs. You are most definitely not a crap mum. Ignore. Totally. And though it might feel to you just now that this situation is going to last forever, it won't. Imagine how great is going to be when you are finally all home. Hang on in there!

Original poster

Louisajane27 · 08/04/2014 04:30

Thank you very much everyone for all your comments and sharing your experiences. It's nice to talk to people who understand how difficult the situation is. I do think that overall the nurses are fantastic but some of them have no idea how hard it is and what the parents go through.

Thank you also for all your encouraging words, I'm feeling a bit better now about the situation and know deep down that I am trying my best for both children. Thank you all again. X

OP posts:

coldwater1 · 08/04/2014 05:22

You do what you need to do for your family, people will always have an opinion, thats fine when it isn't them having to go through what you are.

Marylou62 · 08/04/2014 08:01

As an x NICU nurse I am horrified by all this. I do understand that unless you have been there you don't have a clue but I hope and pray that I had empathy and would never ever have judged any parent. I really think you should complain. You can have a quiet word with the nurse in charge if you are worried about any thing. I really hope if these nurses are told that they were overheard and how much grief it gave you, they will be mortified. If they aren't...they shouldn't be nurses let alone NICU nurses. I am very sorry for you and hope you have your precious LO home soon. xxxx

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