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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to ask you what to say? (Sensitive)

18 replies

Fishcake79 · 07/04/2014 20:58

Posting here for traffic. Long time lurker - with no children of my own so I need some help (I basically joined here so I could be a good friend to the ladies I knew who were starting their own families, to help understand their experiences and to avoid putting my foot in it :-) )

Its about struggling to conceive a second child. Please don't read if this is too close to home.

I don't want to be "outed" so forgive me being a bit vague.

Basically, a close family member has shared with me that he and his long term GF are struggling to conceive a much wanted second child. Their DD is 21 months. They are starting the process of medical appointments etc. Its clear they haven't told many people. While we are all a close family, particularly his parents are very good at the light hearted fun, but sharing the more serious moments isn't something they are great at so I can well imagine that what I have been told is not common knowledge. He hasn't betrayed any confidences with his GF. She knows he has told me and is fine with that. She had an incredibly difficult labour with her DD and I think their "unspoken" worry is that this may have led to their difficulties conceiving.

They are coming to stay with me soon (I live by the coast and it is lovely for their little one).

For my part, I knew they wanted a second child but I have always avoided saying "when the next one arrives" because I do know it isn't as easy as that for everyone. I don't really know what to say or do for them now. I don't know whether to try and speak to his GF (she is lovely but I obviously don't know her as well as him)?

If I don't say anything I don't want her to think I am minimising the issue.... But equally, I don't want to put her on the spot with a conversation she doesn't want to have. I don't want to make this all about my worries about want to say.... I genuinely care for them and I want them to enjoy their stay.

What are the right things to say?

Thanks for your help x

OP posts:

PolkaSpottyDotty · 07/04/2014 21:02

I think you've got your own answer.

"I care for you and I want you to enjoy your stay"

Perhaps adding on something along the lines of if you want to talk, I will listen.

You sound lovely and caring, they're lucky to have you.

MaidOfStars · 07/04/2014 21:06

In the most unhelpful post possible, I'd say that you don't need any pointers on how to talk with them about it. You are clearly a sensitive and sympathetic person and I'd bet you peg it just right.

PinkyHasNoEars · 07/04/2014 21:10

I think she will bring it up if she wants to.

You sound very sensitive and caring so I imagine that, if she does want to talk about it, your response will be really empathetic.

Try not to end up thinking about it so much that it makes you feel stilted and awkward - I do that sometimes when I'm really worried about getting something right. It sounds like you will be perfect just by being yourself.

adoptmama · 07/04/2014 21:13

leave some flowers in their room when they come with a note saying you care and if she wants to talk you are there to listen.

Original poster

Fishcake79 · 07/04/2014 21:34

Thank you for the advice (and the vote of confidence!) I just hope they have a relaxing stay and they get good news soon.

OP posts:

Tulipsandclogs · 07/04/2014 21:41

Do you want to be my friend ; ) just given her this post to read, they are blessed.

really1234 · 07/04/2014 21:58

I wouldn't bring it up straightaway but either wait until it comes up or say something like 'I was sorry to hear from x that the two of you are struggling to conceive, if you want to talk about it I'm here but really it's up to you, no pressure at all'

I speak as someone who struggled to have dc2, had 16 months of trying then medical appointments and fertility medication before getting pregnant. We didn't tell any of our family at all, we each told a friend but otherwise it was kept very quiet. Ds2 is now ten and we have told several friends but have never told our families at all. They would be shocked I think but at the time we didn't want them interfering and now it seems too late.

MaryWestmacott · 07/04/2014 22:05

I wouldn't bring it up, she knows you know, if she wants to talk about it, she will.

Mrswellyboot · 07/04/2014 22:08

I agree with Mary. Just be yourself (you sound lovely) and don't initiate the conversation but be there if they want to talk.

TheRealYellowWiggle · 07/04/2014 22:15

Can't you just ask her how she is doing? In a kind of serious way? Then she/they can talk about TTC if they want to, or talk about their jobs or whatever if they don't. I'd find a note terribly embarasing personally
You do sound like a lovely person to be asking.

evelynj · 07/04/2014 22:25

I just want to join the fish cake fan club too-tell the, you hope they enjoy their stay & if they want to discuss more just be open to it. You are lovely to make the effort to make them feel at home :)

Pipbin · 07/04/2014 23:40

I'm about to start IVF cycle 3, with no DC so far.
We have been very open about it and I've talked to loads of people.

My advice is don't offer advice, just list give them an chance to talk and relax. Maybe offer to look after DC1 so they can have some time alone. Give them the chance to bring it up and be a listening ear.

Original poster

Fishcake79 · 08/04/2014 06:48

Thanks again, and thanks for sharing your own stories. Pipbin - I hope everything works for you.

I definitely plan to offer to have their DD during their stay so they can spend some time.

OP posts:

meditrina · 08/04/2014 06:51

You might want to ask for this to be moved from AIBU into "conception" or "infertility" as there are helpful posters in both those with detailed knowledge.

RubyrooUK · 08/04/2014 06:55

Personally I would just be yourself and if she wants to confide, she will.

When I was struggling with infertility, there were times I wanted to talk and times when I wanted to be "normal" and not have it always present in my mind. So sometimes I talked to friends and sometimes I just wanted to enjoy life without it dictating everything in my head.

So I'd wait for her to bring it up. You sound lovely and sensitive so I'm sure she will talk to you if she wants to.

CoolaSchmoola · 08/04/2014 07:14

As someone with fertility issues I'd say wait until she brings it up.

She may, but she may not. Fertility issues can become all consuming and a break from it all may be exactly what she needs.

She may have decided to try to shove it to the back of her mind (as much as anyone can) and just have a lovely break. If this is the case bringing it up, even with the best of intentions, may bring it crashing back to the forefront of her mind.

There are times when I do that, and it is hard when people bring it up. If I want to talk about it I will, but on my own terms because I cope best with that. It's her fertility issue, wait for her to bring it up.

She just needs a big hug and for you to be visibly thrilled to see them, as I'm sure you are.

If she brings it up I'm sure you will say the right thing because you sound lovely!

Marylou62 · 08/04/2014 07:34

Hear! Hear! to all the above. You sound a lovely friend. I have a friend going through this and it is a minefield. I went through it myself (18mths ttc No.2). Just be yourself and I am sure they will have a lovely time.

meganorks · 08/04/2014 10:10

I would say anything. They mohjt be wanting a break away from it all to forger about stresses so bringing it up unlikely to help. If they want to talk about it they will bring it up.

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