to be struggling with blended unit

[JesterB]

Brief history: violent ex partner removed from house by police. Ensuing struggle with courts preventing him seeing our two children for their safety. Eventually allowed unsupervised contact. We are now 7 years down the line. I was single for 5 years.

I have met a man! He is lovely. His two children are the same age as my two boys - they all did the same activity in their respective age groups which is how we met and also how we did not have to force teenagers together. Ideal!

His baggage is that his unreasonable ex (who slung him out when she decided she'd rather sleep with her cousin!). She engineered herself into a position where the matrimonial home was repossessed. We tried to get her into various appointments with mortgage help schemes but she refused to attend (at the same time my new man lost his job and I could not pay my mortgage and bills (my ex is on benefits and I get 10 from DWP for the boys) and their mortgage and bills on my own - she was sacked from her job for assaulting a member of staff who exposed her theiving). Long story short - and after a brief stint at Her Majesty's Pleasure - she has relocated to the other end of the country. Where she has been rehoused and is claiming every benefit under the sun. New Man's DD decided she wanted to stay down South at her school and with her friends so moved into my house. This was not a discussed situation - more a stamp feet and refusal to move to the other end of the country. To be fair there was no discussion from Mother - she just got on a train and never came back!

My DS1 then voted with his feet and moved to his Dad's. Really not an ideal situation in light of the history. He has since been allowed to run feral and has been expelled from school and is at a Pupil Referral Unit (he passed his 11+ with 99% and is now studying car mechanics one and half days per week and not a lot else!)

My unreasonableness relates to bonus DD. Everyone spoils her. People's view is she is the injured party in all of this. Her mother has abandoned her to live up North (moved up there 1/7/13 already planning wedding to new man at Christmas). Mother regularly rings up and screams about the way I run my house - for example, bonus DD has recently had to start getting the bus to school because New Man has a new job (after second period of joblessness) (incidentally job is fab and he has found his spot!). Her best quotable scream was "I don't want another woman bringing up my daughter!" Should have thought of that before you buggered off me thinks! Bonus DD doesn't like the rules in my house - keep it tidy; put your dirty laundry in the basket; clean laundry away; leave bathroom as you found it; don't play loud music to annoy neighbours; turn off unnecessary lights; put your plate and glass in the dishwasher; you cant have your eyebrow pierced; do you homework to the best of your ability; etc. My boys know the rules (they haven't changed in their lifetime) and they know what is expected of them.

My resentment comes from everyone taking Bonus DD's side. Not one member of New Man's family has ever said that I was good to take her in; have ever acknowledged that I've lost my DS1 to make room for her (she is in his bedroom); that my DS2 has had his house invaded by a stroppy hormonal messy teenage girl; New Man's mum has offered to have Bonus DD one night per month so we can have a date night (but we've not had one this year since she promised).

And to cap it all - my Ex has successfully made a CSA claim so now I'm paying for my son to live in a very unsuitable situation.

Feeling really resentful and fed up. Am I being unreasonable?

Sheesh! You chucked your own son under the bus and back to live with an abusive male?

Marvellous. Well done. Instead of saving one, you've probably allowed one more abuser to be created to walk this earth and abuse their kids and partners.

Why on earth would you put up with a bloke with this much shite in his life?

You have a wanker of an ex. So does your DP. Who makes a choice to live like that? You're setting yourself up for a world of pain.

Go and get your son back and find somewhere for your family to live. Leave DP and his lot to sort themselves out. Your dc are priority here.

Your comment about having been single for 5 years is meant to impress? Sorry but unless you actually learnt something about not putting up with shit, about putting yourself and your dc first, you've learnt nothing.

Sorry but you are being very unreasonable!!

There are four children here whose parents have split (fair enough it happens) and met new people (with the exception of your ex?) who they have had to get to know.

It seems to me that the adults have not given much thought to these poor kids at all.

If I were you, I'd be sorting a place for me and my own children to live alone and rebuild the relationships.

See your new man if you wish but it doesn't sound like living together is a good idea at all.

Tbh, I was confused reading your post. If I'm confused reading it, lord knows how the kids must feel!

Focus on your own children and making them feel happy and secure and let your partner do the same.

YABU

I feel sorry for all the children involved in this car-crash scenario. You, your DP and respective partners have caused this situation- not your children, but they're the ones having to live with the consequences.

You all sound pretty chaotic, and fairly unpleasant. Your collective DCs are suffering (in different ways) because of your mistakes, and all you can talk about is you and your feelings of not being appreciated enough!

You were not "good to take in" your "bonus DD" (horrible phrase)- you did it because you wanted a relationship with her father. I imagine her behaviour is less than perfect because of what the adults in her life have done- mother abandoned her (and sounds verbally abusive), father seems a bit indifferent (you don't mention him much) and step-mother is actively hostile and thinks she ought to be grateful!

Your DS is "feral", dropped out of education etc- what are you doing about it (other than blaming it on your "bonus DD")?

From reading mumsnet and hearing stories from my friends childhoods, I am pretty sure that 'blended families' are entirely for the adults benefit and are shit for the children. In about 99.9% of circumstances.

Why don't you set up a home WITHOUT new man and bonus DD?

What a mess. I think you need to tend to your own family before worrying about anyone else's. As you say, your partner is new. If I were you I would be working out how to untangle the situation and get a place where my kids will consider it their home and feel welcome. New man can sort things out with his kids, and maybe over time you'll reach a point where you can blend your families without causing chaos? But it's not working right now, you must see that!