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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To explain to an eleven year old guest, that when I say no to a sleepover, I mean it?

25 replies

Perspective21 · 07/04/2014 16:19

My DD2 has a good friend and they often go out locally together and do sleepover at each other's houses. The other girl often won't take a "no" from her own mother and often organises herself and makes her own arrangements. She is a lovely girl and a good friend however.
I explained to my DD yesterday that her and friend could spend today together, leaving Tue for a general bedroom sort out and to find a clean selection of clothes and pack a bag for a few days away when we're off to visit grandparents. I did say no sleepover Mon night as Tues will be a busy day, with lots of little jobs to do.
Friend has suggested my DD sleep there, but I said no to that too as 1) she'll be tired, grumpy and useless at thinking on Tues ( not what I need) 2) she will wander about locally all day with this friend and I'll have to have the hassle of enforcing collection arrangements with grumpiness from them both!
Also when they've spent all day together before, there's always a small incident, last time a small group of boys in their class arrived on the park and my DD got bashed on the head with a football in a bag! I know it isn't this girl's fault but things always escalate and two friends together turns into a big event and neither then want to fine home.

So AIBU in saying to DD's friend

No, sorry, that just doesn't fit in with our plans for the next two days. Another time, perhaps?

She said to me

It doesn't take all day to pack a bag!

Was rather surprised by her reply!!

OP posts:

Nomama · 07/04/2014 16:23

Nope! NU at all.

You have plans and that is that. Cheeky mare though, isn't she? I bet your glad she isn't yours

puntasticusername · 07/04/2014 16:25

YANBU. Cheeky madam!

ILoveWooly · 07/04/2014 16:28

YANBU, I would be informing her rather swiftly who is in charge!

HowContraryMary · 07/04/2014 16:30

Son has a 'friend' like this. I don't like him at all. From the age of 8 he has presented himself on my doorstep "demanding" to come in, and he's one of those children - you know the sort "I got an xbox and a PSP and a iphone and my own personal elephant for Christmas".

If you say no, he has the temerity to question me. little fucker

He does not go to sons school. I have no idea why he thinks I would allow him to stay

Original poster

Perspective21 · 07/04/2014 16:37

Thank you all! I actually felt really cross as my DD's would never challenge another parent like that! They sometimes try it on with me, but they know that if I can be flexible and negotiate something, I will, but when I declare a firm "no" that's the end of it with mine.

I understand it doesn't take all day to pack a bag BTW, it's just I can't be doing with a messy, loose sort of day tomorrow, which I find, does always happen after sleepovers

I think I must have been feeling a bit sensitive as it felt like an 11year old was (just) stopping short of telling me to loosen up!

Also this girl is the youngest in her family, so does have more flexibility around older sisters and I have a young DS with SEN which means I like to know where I'm at with planning my days out. Just checking I am still sane and not an old control freak!

OP posts:

NoodleOodle · 07/04/2014 16:41

One of my DD's friends texts me and asks to stay, and knocks the door even when she knows DD is out staying at someone else's. Last time I didn't bother answering the door as she'd already been told DD was away, but when I looked out of the window and watched her walk off, I noticed she was wearing a pair of my plimsoles!!!! Ok, they were only a few quid but, the cheek of it.

YANBU - your house, your rules. I'm drastically cutting down on mid-week sleepovers at the moment as it is just too much for DD, even though she wouldn't admit it, and leaves her too tired to be useful for anything.

Original poster

Perspective21 · 07/04/2014 16:42

Wow Noodle, that is beyond cheeky!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Perspective21 · 07/04/2014 16:49

The girl's mum is nice too, only they set huge store on being flexible, whereas some days, when I have firm ideas and timings to keep, I do not want to be flexible to that extent around a young ish child, sometimes they have to fit in with family plans first.
I find the worst thing about this age group is I feel I can't set off and go off to somewhere that isn't very local, especially if they need rescuing from a situation in the park or whatever! I tend to stay local in a way that I didn't need to when they were little and therefore well supervised by a parent. Also older teens are easier as they are well used to being off for a few hours doing their own thing. This girl just wanders about a bit too much for my own liking.

OP posts:

Ledkr · 07/04/2014 16:57

I've Just had the same discussion with my dd, gets on my nerves.

Original poster

Perspective21 · 07/04/2014 17:05

Ledkr, it is annoying isn't it? I'm sure it's difficult because little ones, you leave them with parents you're confident about and DD1 is nearly 14 and sensible and independent. I am working DD2 up to being the same and she understands that she earns trust and I respect her arrangements if mine are also respected. She understands this but she has at least 2 friends who manipulate their parents into having it all their own way. They always scowl at me if I say no to something which contradicts their own plans. I think both of these friends are fairly princessy at home and expect their mothers to ferry them everywhere!
Our guest looked a bit surprised when I suggested that my two could walk her home via the park. I didn't feel at all like providing a lift and it's only a 15 min walk, but I can tell she thought I was a meany pants

OP posts:

HecatePropylaea · 07/04/2014 17:09

When I was challenged by a neighbour's child who wanted to come in when it wasn't convenient and demanded to know exactly why they couldn't get their own way, I told them "I said no. I do not justify myself to you"

specialsubject · 07/04/2014 17:14

demanding brat!

apart from anything else, the taxi service is at your discretion. Assuming that she is able-bodied it will do her only good to have a 15 minute walk.

PeterParkerSays · 07/04/2014 17:17

I would just have replied "it does when I do it. DD will next be available to met with you on X date. Please don't call round before then."

She doesn't get to talk to an adult in that way.

Original poster

Perspective21 · 07/04/2014 17:22

Yes Hecate, I wish I'd thought to say that!! I did say that we'd agreed they could spend today together, and they had, so please stop pushing for more as next time I'll have to think twice about them being together! They went swimming first thing and are still in the park now, that's plenty I think.
Despite what they say, the sleepover tiredness does accelerate the tired, hormonal thing x3 I'd say and then I'm left with a grumpy goat doing her packing grudgingly! The other girl seems a bit obsessed with my DD, texts her all the time too! My DD likes her and they have a good friendship but does find the constant communicating a bit much!

Yes, I agree special subject, now the rain has stopped, the fresh air will do them good

OP posts:

Original poster

Perspective21 · 07/04/2014 17:25

Yes, PeterParker, last thing I wanted to get into with her was detail of my day panning out...she seemed to want it...maybe that's how she wears her parents down? Next time I'll be ready with my short and sweet answers, thanks everyone, you've cheered me up

OP posts:

AdoraBell · 07/04/2014 17:30

My DD also has a friend like this, but given that her mother is the same I'm not surprised to be asked "why" when I say something isn't happening. I've perfected "I'm busy" for the mother and "it's not possible" the friend. Shame really as other than mimicking her mother she's a lovely kid.

Actually just remembered SIL is exactly the same, mid 40's and still can't grasp the meaning of No. .

Original poster

Perspective21 · 07/04/2014 17:39

Like those responses Adora, I'm definitely keeping it short and sweet next time. Also I shall smile and nod and repeat my chosen phrase and refuse to explain the logistics of my family to her!
Her parents are the same! One day we wanted to pick her up Sun am, after a sleepover, we'd explained we would pick her up as we were going on a family trip to a museum DS likes and would also have drinks and cakes there. Her Dad offered, you could leave her here until you get back, if she doesn't want to do the museum?! I explained that we all wanted to go together and he looked at me very oddly. I think she needs my DD for entertainment purposes but my DD needs her less so. She did enjoy the museum after all, we were right to insist that she come and take part in a family trip...

OP posts:

Gurnie · 07/04/2014 17:46

Yanbu at all. Dd has a friend just like this. She is actually really lovely and we very much enjoy having her but she ALWAYS wants a sleepover and although we do them occasionally neither us or dd are that into them. She goes on and on and on and on and on about it. I do, as you have done, tell her firmly at the start of a visit if it cannot become a sleepover. Then I just keep saying no but it is a bit awkward and I don't enjoy having to reiterate it or being challenged about it. Ho hum.

AdoraBell · 07/04/2014 17:54

That's it, all information about your family logistics and activities is on need-to-know, and most people don't.

CarmineRose1978 · 07/04/2014 17:54

My aunt taught me that, whenever someone says something cheeky or rude to you, you should just say "I BEG your pardon?" in a frosty tone of voice then stare at them... Usually people are so embarrassed that they just mumble and go away.

Chiggers · 07/04/2014 18:02

DD(8) has a friend who is cheeky enough to get DD to ask about a sleepover. The last time said friend asked me herself then questioned me when I said no. I then told her that It'll be NO now and NO this time tomorrow/next week/next month, so she'd be wasting valuable playing time attempting to change my mind. That was last week and she has given up, I think

Sometimes it can be a battle of the wills.

Original poster

Perspective21 · 07/04/2014 18:03

Thank you all... I feel especially resolved now DD is back and have just explained to her why friend's position is rude and my DD said that friend advised DD to pack her bag anyway and then just come down and tell me she was ready, as I'd agree then!! My DD fortunately knew that wouldn't work and explained that to her friend.
I do now feel I have the measure of how persuasive friend can try to be and will be especially firm in taking no nonsense from her
Obviously that's her modus operandi with her parents though

OP posts:

Original poster

Perspective21 · 07/04/2014 18:07

It's funny that I've steered DD1 through this stage a few short years ago and I never encountered anyone so ...erm...forward! Her friends must have been less confrontational!

OP posts:

EurotrashGirl · 07/04/2014 18:24

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty or saying this is the case with your DD's friend, but some children are like this because they have abusive families and want to minimize the amount of time spent at home.

Topseyt · 07/04/2014 18:38

I have come across one or two of these. You have to be firm with them, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

I even once had one who did not want to leave when I had called mine for their evening meal. She insisted she would sit in the corner of the kitchen whilst we ate, and seemed to think that would be OK. I ended up having to spell it out to her that it wasn't OK, and that there are certain things which mean it is time to leave.

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