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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to keep saying no? i dont think i am btw...

55 replies

sexypantsformum · 07/04/2014 08:06

i work term time only. have 3 kids, and a husband who works random shifts.
this half term i have had 3 ''friends'' ask me to ''have their kids to play.''
but each one has said this in a conversation about child care.
things like, i couldn't get x into club for mon and thurs, but you're not working, you don't mind having him over to play for a few hours do you?
or
ive been swapped to the early on monday and i need some help with y youre not working this week are you? can he come to you?
i know paying for child care in holidays is a killer. i have had to do it, which is one of the reasons why i changed my job for a lower paying one that is only in term time.
these are also the people who thought i was mental to take the job, because it was less money etc.
the kicker was the text i had this morning.
A has come down with a bug over night, so i cant send him to club, can he come and spend the day with you instead?
i said no, i have plans with the kids, (and tbh i don't want someone else's ill child to look after)
she then tells me i'm not very supportive, she had mine to play after school last week. and do i not realise how hard it is to be a working mum?!
i got sarky back and said. yes i do realise whats its like to work. i do work and that i didn't know that her offering to have my child over when it suited her meant i owed her a debt, but i thought that having had her boy all day saturday so she could go to a wedding might have paid that back already....
i do have the kids friends over, after school, weekends and holidays. but when it suits me. not as unpaid child care becuase they didn't arrange anything for themselves.
so am i being U?

OP posts:

BelleateSebastian · 07/04/2014 08:28

YAdNBU

poorbuthappy · 07/04/2014 08:31

I do have

poorbuthappy · 07/04/2014 08:32

Sorry
I do have 1 particular friend who I can ask probably once each holiday.
But we are very very good friends so can also say no if needs be.
But YANBU.

Morgause · 07/04/2014 08:35

YANBU

PickleMyster · 07/04/2014 08:37

YANBU

Usually by the time DS breaks up from school we have a rough idea of what we are going to do during the holidays (weather permitting). I am happy to look after his friends during IF it fits in around our plans. We have our own things we want to do and we are going to do them, we don't owe anybody anything and quite frankly if another parent has got an issue with that - tough.

I most definitely would NOT be looking after someone else's sick child 1) it's not fair on my DS if he wants to go out and do things, and 2) I don't want a potential house of sickness - ever.

If people need reliable childcare they need to sort it out properly.

Mimishimi · 07/04/2014 08:47

If my kid liked their kid and if I didn't have other plans then I would say yes. Why would you say no "on principle" when it helped someone else out and wasn't inconvenient to you?

It's the assumption that it isn't inconvenient to you because you're 'at home' anyway (as though continuing your own work at home/afterschool activities/ your own classes/cooking/shopping/cleaning do not exist). On principle, I will refuse parents the first time if I have the slightest inkling they are feeling me out for free childcare even if it doesn't inconvenience me on that particular occasion. Once you say yes to the smallest request, more often than not you have suddenly become their back-up childcare plan for every occasion. Then those holiday fees start to look a bit onerous to them and they wonder if you might possibly take on their DC instead.

That said, I'd very happily take on, and have taken on, friends of DS's in an emergency.

VelvetSpoon · 07/04/2014 08:47

Whilst on the one hand I don't think YABU, I think most of the responses you've had have been a bit blinkered.

From the sounds of it, sick child's mum has care in place. Child can't go to it due to illness, hence an alternative has to be found. Not everyone had grandparents on tap to help out, so what can you do? I know in lots of roles taking a day off without notice is very much frowned upon, if not impossible. So parents have to try and arrange an alternative, somehow, with anyone who is available. That's the reality of being a working parent without family support.

So whilst YANBU for refusing, I can also understand entirely why she asked, because I've been there.

Fannydabbydozey · 07/04/2014 08:56

Yanbu at all...

I remember one mum arranging to come over for coffee one morning during a half term. She turned up and dumped her two kids because she "had to do something." Two and a half hours later she came back. I thought she'd then come in and have the coffee we'd arranged - nope she had to run of because she was so busy...

Turned out the "something" was work which she got paid for. And I was the massive mug...

Another needed me to watch her son and take him to a sports lesson as she had something very urgent to do, but she would pick him up. I had worked overnight, had only two hours sleep and tried to explain that my kids were used to just chilling in this situation. Anyway seemed she was desperate... So desperate that she couldn't be bothered to even thank me when i saw her the following week. Apparently she did this regularly.

Never again. Neither have reciprocated. Just so RUDE.

Mimishimi · 07/04/2014 08:57

It's just not okay to ask someone to look after your sick child. If they are too sick for school/childcare, by asking the message you are sending is that it's okay if the person you're asking gets sick because their time is less valuable than yours. I've only been asked once to look after a neighbor's sick child, years ago, and I refused to sit their child anymore after that even when they were well. I was offended.

Ledkr · 07/04/2014 09:01

My kid is puking today and so my arranged childcare is not appropriate so me and and dh are running round me blue arses trying to sort our shifts to suit.
I would never expect anyone to have my ill child.

wordfactory · 07/04/2014 09:01

YANBU regarding the sick child.

Why would you want your DC to get a bug so early in the holidays?!?

However, I would probably have said yes, to the other requests unless we had definite other plans of substance.

slartybartfast · 07/04/2014 09:01

i remember someone asking me to look after her 5 year old i think he was, a year old older than my oldest, and then when i took them out to playground and popped in to see her at work . she then asked that I didnt take them out!

i am not getting cabin fever for anyone.

QueenofLouisiana · 07/04/2014 09:02

YANBU. DH and I teach so we are both at home during the holidays, but we use the time to focus on DS as he often gets a raw deal during term time. I make sure he has friends over to make up for all the times I say no during term time, if that allows their parents to work without paying for childcare, that's a happy co-incidence.

PickleMyster · 07/04/2014 09:31

My SIL used to be a childminder who worked during the holidays, parents would ask if she could watch their child/ren, she would explain she couldn't because she was up to her numbers, they would still keep asking saying things like "surely one/two more wouldn't make a difference." This was her business, if OFSTED found out they could revoke her registration and she would be out of work. Interestingly when these parents asked they never enquired as to what her charges were.

familygermsareok · 07/04/2014 10:18

Stick to your guns, YADNBU.

I am self employed and arrange work so that I am off during school hols and in service days. I do offer to have some of the DCs friends round to help out sometimes but their parents have only ever asked with the understanding that it is not at all expected and if it doesn't suit me they would never put pressure on. And it is reciprocated by them other times, we have a good group of parents who work different patterns and we all help each other out when we can.

I would be at being asked to look after an ill child. Totally inappropriate.

And I wouldn't put aside any plans I had already made, although I would try and take along one or more of my DCs friends if possible.

Lemongrab · 07/04/2014 10:30

Yanbu at all! Working parents need to sort out child care for themselves without relying on parents that only work term time. It's not as if they don't have plenty of notice for the holidays!
I work one day a week. We sort child care for that one day a week over the holidays, long before the holidays are upon us.
I'd feel damn right rude ambushing a friend with a request for childcare a few days before and assuming it'll be fine just because they'll be at home! I don't mind helping out a friend in a tight spot, but I wouldn't like being asked this way.
Just keep saying no if it doesn't suit you.

Scrounger · 07/04/2014 10:41

I work term time only and this past term I have been hit with various illnesses including chickenpox with two of my three children going down with it. I completely understand how hard it is to manage work and sick children. I still don't think that it is appropriate to ask other parents to take your sick child which could then infect their children. The parent's response when you said no was really out of order, she is either really desperate or very selfish. My guess is that it is the latter.

I have invited my older DS's friends over, I arranged a date with one parent on a day that it helped her out with work this holiday. She has then said that my DS can go over next week when she is off. I have no problems with this or helping out other friends if needed but I never feel taken advantage of and they help me out as well.

However I do say no when my PILs ask to bring by DN over in the holidays for a sleepover because of a number of issues in the past. We have felt manipulated into it, with the result that my SIL managed to offload her only child onto us when we had three young children. We also find our DN very hard work, whilst my PIL were also over they weren't good at saying no or maintaining discipline with him. It was much harder work for DH and I and I just don't want to do it.

rowna · 07/04/2014 10:44

YANBU I've helped a few people quite a bit over the years. Some reciprocate, others completely take the piss. I've just got to know the ones who reciprocate and avoid the ones who don't.

pizzachickenhotforyou · 07/04/2014 12:52

YANBU - cheeky of her! And not exactly great holiday fun for your kids to get I'll is it?

pinasol · 07/04/2014 13:07

YANBU I only look after family or dc's close friends (when it's a bonus for us to have them around). But we normally have fairly clear plans for most days in the holidays and I wouldn't change them for other people. Part of the deal with being a working parent is that you have to cope with events such as children getting ill, and holiday childcare - even if that means taking leave to stay home with ill children. But they get the financial benefits and security of working, which I don't as a sahm.

WorraLiberty · 07/04/2014 13:14

YANBU, I used to get this a lot when my kids were younger and I was a SAHM.

I never minded having a child over to help the parents out if it was a close friend of my child (and we had no previous engagement).

But some cheeky fuckers hardly knew me and their kids hardly knew mine.

I got woken by a knock on the door at 8am a few years ago...by a neighbour's 6yr old who said "Mum told me to ask you if I can play at yours for the day, because she won't be home from work until 6pm".

I didn't even know his name, or his Mother's

Pinkelephanty · 07/04/2014 13:24

YANBU. I work from home which means I take home a lower wage than going out to work but the plus side is I am here for my children after school/weekends and holidays. Recently my friend changed work and I knew as soon as the change took place that I was going to be asked to look after her dd after school on a Thursday every week because her dh works and there's no one else available that day. I had a think about it and although I didn't really want to when she did ask a couple of days later I said yes. BUT if friends were suddenly asking me to take their dcs for days in the holiday I don't think I would be so keen-especially not ill children. SAHM/wham/part timers aren't there to offer free child care so that others can go out to work (that's what child minders are for) and no one should be expected to take on other peoples children if they don't want to. It's one thing to help out, it's another to be forced into it by guilt tripping "friends"

ContentedSidewinder · 07/04/2014 13:37

I am a SAHM and only look after my son's best mate and his sister when there is no childcare option ie inset days and strike days.

In return my friend has had my two sons to hers when we had to attend 2 funerals.

It is reciprocal. I have never felt taken advantage of and the childcare is very infrequent, maybe 3-4 times a year. That is how I know she is truly stuck.

YANBU, to want send a sick child to you is appalling.

zipzap · 07/04/2014 14:44

Yadnbu - and that's without putting sickness into the equation.

And amazed at worra's neighbour sending around unknown 6yr old to be looked after for the day . What did you do and say to the parent - had they already left when they sent the child around or were you able to send them back? Just wondering what I would do if I was in this situation, regardless of if I had plans for the day. Think I would be very tempted to drop the child off with SS or the police and say that the mother had abandoned them. Because if they are capable of doing that then who knows what else they are or aren't doing for/to their child...

Yambabe · 07/04/2014 15:07

YANBU - the days are long past when I used to have to worry about this (thankfully) but I did have a couple of friends who were SAHM and who used to have DS for a few days each over the holidays when I wasn't able to make other arrangements.

However, I never expected them to do it for free. I always offered to pay them, even if it was only a nominal amount that would cover say expenses for them to take my boy and their kids out for the day, or would cover a lunch out or whatever. I also used to regularly give them little gifts (flowers, chocolates, wine, cards) and have their kids at mine some evenings so they could have the odd night out with their partners (I was a LP at the time) because surely that's what you do?

Re the sick kid, I really don't get that one. If my boy was ill then everything stopped til he was well again, sod work or any other arrangements his health came first.

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