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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for your best piece of advice for getting through a 'down' time in your marriage?

24 replies

mameulah · 07/04/2014 00:45

I know that marriage has lots of ups and downs. We are definitely going through a down time and I am pregnant and not really coping with all the hormones.

What are your best pieces of wisdom that you have learned from the benefit of hindsight from your long and happy relationships please?

tia

OP posts:
beanella · 07/04/2014 00:49

I don't know. I'm marking my place as i'm in the same position. DS 7 months old.

I am trying to practice respectful boundaries, friendliness and good humour.

I'm trying to expect nothing from DH and feel grateful for anything positive i do receive. This hair shirt approach makes me feel somehow calm and collected and self contained.

Easier said than done when i'm seething and sad!

Good thread. Look forward to the advice people offer.

I hope you are ok. Thanks congratulations on your pregnancy.

AnyFucker · 07/04/2014 00:51

define "down time"

Purplepoodle · 07/04/2014 00:56

my poor oh had to put up with me sobbing uncontrollably for 8 months while pregnant for no apparent reason. Is your behaviour unreasonable? If it is then you need to acknowledge, apologise and move on. My rocky bits are after the baby is born. Myself and dh realise this so we try extra hard. keep talking, communication is the key.

MarchOnToApril · 07/04/2014 00:56

In our bad times I always tried to remember that once something has been said it can never been unsaid, so think hard before saying anything too hurtful or final.

Original poster
mameulah · 07/04/2014 01:06

Any - By 'down' time I guess I mean we haven't been getting on and I am finding that we don't have much in common at the moment. And I feel lonely in our marriage. I know it can't all be a ball of fire. But with the benefit of hindsight, what is it that gets people through?

March - I have learned that the hard way too!

OP posts:
Grennie · 07/04/2014 01:06

I don't believe in the idea of working at it. A relationship should improve your life. I think a lot of people stay in miserable relationships, rather than face the fear of splitting up.

Original poster
mameulah · 07/04/2014 01:08

My friend says that a relationship is always changing. You should understand that and respond to that accordingly. My friend is really smart and is in a very happy marriage!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/04/2014 01:11

You are not being specific enough

Empty platitudes about relationships needing "work" and "constantly changing" is bullshit, tbh

Tell us how it's not working, why wouldn't you ? (and don't use meaningless generalisations)

Jinsei · 07/04/2014 01:13

Not sure I'm best placed to advise, but DH and I have been together for nearly 20 years, and we still quite like each other (most of the time!) Grin

Assuming that the relationship is fundamentally sound and worth preserving - and that's a pretty big assumption! - the following things have helped me:

  • remembering that it's just a phase and will probably pass (but obviously not the case with all kinds of problems)
  • not relying on DH to meet all of my emotional needs - other friends and family are really important too!
  • focusing on the positive and keeping a sense of humour.
  • agreeing to disagree - there are some arguments that neither of us is ever going to win, so now we just don't bother having them!
  • never badmouthing DH to family or friends, it's disloyal and they will remember even when I've forgotten.
  • trying to be kind and civil, even when I really don't feel like it.
  • never sulking, it's important to communicate like adults
  • being quick to apologise and quick to forgive
  • not getting worked up about the trivial stuff - life's too short!
Grennie · 07/04/2014 01:18

Jinsei - I have lived with my partner for 22 years in a happy relationship. Some of your advice is not good advice for those in an unhappy marriage. Just a phase? If your partner is treating you badly, this should not be minimised and ignored.

MarchOnToApril · 07/04/2014 01:18

What got us through was that we love each other and we want to raise our children together in a loving home.
We knew that a loving home sometimes is easy and natural and in the hard times takes effort.
About 6 months after each of our two babies we were on the brink of splitting, 3 years on things are better than ever (together 12 yrs now) , it really can come good again.
We talked about things we could do to have quality time together, even if just buying a box set DVD and sitting down together with a cuppa. We each agreed to make an effort to not be snappy and apologise sincerely if we'd been sharp or off hand and we kept talking.
Good luck!

notadoctor · 07/04/2014 01:27

We went through the toughest time in our marriage when our first child was born - I think it's such a huge emotional shift for everyone it 'a bound to affect your relationship. We've just had DC2 and now joke a lot about the fact we might not get on for a while. The things that helped us through it / that I think I learnt from it were:

Be kind to each other - do small nice things (making cups of tea etc) - say thank-you when the other person does the same.

Think before you criticise each other - is this criticism really important? Is it worth making the other person feel bad over? Only criticise when you really want the other person to change something.

Have friends/ hobbies/ interests outside the relationship (easier said than done with a small baby sometimes!)

Say sorry when you're in the wrong. Laugh about your own unreasonable-ness as often as you can!

Be physically affectionate - not sex if you don't feel like it but spontaneous cuddles or a kiss.

If you can afford it - get a cleaner once a week!

Grennie · 07/04/2014 01:28

One of the things most people realise as they grow older, is that love is not enough. You can love one another, but make each other very unhappy.

Jinsei · 07/04/2014 01:38

Jinsei - I have lived with my partner for 22 years in a happy relationship. Some of your advice is not good advice for those in an unhappy marriage. Just a phase? If your partner is treating you badly, this should not be minimised and ignored.

Grennie, if you read my post, I did say that I was assuming that the relationship was fundamentally sound and worth preserving. If either partner is being badly treated, then I don't think this applies.

Grennie · 07/04/2014 01:47

It is so subjective though, the phrase fundamentally sound. I do think a lot of women put up with relationships that don't make them happy, beacuse their partner is not abusive.

KeatsiePie · 07/04/2014 02:36

Okay, I've been with my DH for about 7 years and we've been married for almost 4, so not that long I realize. But we've been through some hard times.

Something that has helped us when things were hard in our lives (career, money, living situation, etc.) and we felt rather desperate about it all and consequently were constantly discussing and worrying and fighting -- remember that not everything has to be solved at once. Not everything will be okay all the time, and that state of "less than 100% okayness" actually is okay.

I am assuming in saying the above that your marriage is fundamentally sound. And yes, things do have to be "okay" in that abuse of any kind is not acceptable; there does have to be a baseline of safety and stability and mutual respect.

But if you have that and yet things are just hard for you right now -- it was really helpful for me to realize that sometimes it's one day at a time. Really helpful for me to realize that we were in fact terribly, terribly fortunate to have what we had. Really helpful for me to look over and consciously remind myself that I was very glad to be going one day at a time with HIM, in our partnership.

In practical terms this meant that we tried to give each other little breaks. Someone didn't get the bills paid or the dishes done? Okay, not the end of the world. Those things can be done tomorrow. We tried to take walks together often, spend time on the couch reading/internetting/watching movies -- just give ourselves a little time where we weren't trying to fix things or be perfect as a couple, to just be two regular flawed people who were still glad to have a couch to sit down on together.

I hope things ease up for you soon Thanks

KeatsiePie · 07/04/2014 02:37

And I second everything Jinsei said.

Cerisier · 07/04/2014 03:11

I agree with Jinsei too. My favourite mantra is "don't sweat the small stuff".

(DH and I have been together for 29 years)

MarchOnToApril · 07/04/2014 07:50

"Think before you criticise each other - is this criticism really important? Is it worth making the other person feel bad over? Only criticise when you really want the other person to change something"

^ This took me a long time to learn to do, but helped massively.

Jinsei · 07/04/2014 07:51

It is so subjective though, the phrase fundamentally sound.

Yes, of course it is subjective, but so is the concept of a "happy marriage". DH and I haven't been "happy" all through our marriage - we've had lots of shit to contend with. Bereavements, miscarriages, illness, redundancy, moving from one continent to another. It hasn't all been plain sailing, and we haven't necessarily been able to "make each other happy" through all of this because life is sometimes difficult and one person can never be the answer to all your problems. Ultimately, you make a decision as to whether your relationship is adding to the problems or helping you to get through them. If the latter, I would say it is fundamentally sound.

I'm not arguing for a moment that people should stay trapped in marriages that don't add value to their lives, simply because they're married and they should work at it. Some people are better off separating. But I think it's realistic to acknowledge that people will have ups and downs, even in a "happy" relationship. My parents are coming up to their 50th wedding anniversary next year, and they absolutely adore each other, but they would be the first to admit that they had good and bad patches along the way. If they had walked away from each other during the first of those bad patches, their lives would be infinitely less rich and rewarding now.

jojane · 07/04/2014 08:04

I think people are too quick to split up nowadays, we are sold this idea in films and magazines that marriage is one long party, sex everyday, worshipping everything the other does, presents all the time etc etc when in actual fact it is hard work sometimes, you fight, you have money worries, your weight goes up and down and makes you feel like shit, bringing up children is hard work, mismatched libidos etc etc.
About twice a year we have a night to ourselves, either at home or in a hotel, we have a lovely time so when we are particularly stressed I remember that when we are on our own away from the humdrum of family life/work etc we have a brilliant time so when we are snappy it's not that we don't love/like each other it's just that life can be shit sometimes

LindyHemming · 07/04/2014 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jinsei · 07/04/2014 08:20

Sorry about your dad euphemia. :(

I really agree that we shouldn't expect our partners to just "know" how we feel. They're not mind readers!

wonderstuff · 07/04/2014 08:26

I think talking is really important, don't expect someone else to know something you haven't told them about.
Be nice to each other - you both have to do this mind!

I find some time away together is really important to us, we go away once a year if we can, away from the children, we remember that when the stress is removed we can have fun together.

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