To wonder if I've wasted my life, and if it's too late

[LonesomeDove]

Hello ladies,

I'm having a bit of a rough time, and thought I'd see what opinions you might have. I'm nearly 30 and I haven't really done anything with my life. I'm trying to establish a career for myself, working for very little money, and sometimes I wonder if I even care about it enough. Every day is so difficult, it feels like I'm a robot just trying to survive. My adoptive mother died a few years ago, and I miss her incredibly. I feel like my grief hasn't really lessened, I've just got used to it more. I have some frustrating and potentially serious health problems I have to keep on top of, and I get overwhelmed by these at times.

I had quite a bit of emotional abuse as a child, which meant I grew up with a patchy self esteem and a very strange outlook on men. I had one relationship of a few years and while he was a kind and basically decent guy, he was very shallow and impatient with who I was - he just wanted a fun relaxed wife, so I broke off our engagement. Had a few friends with benefits things, but cut them out when I realised they weren't really friends. Another relationship of a year where I fell in love and had a hideous break up, which thankfully I'm very over now.

I have a difficult relationship with my birth mother, because I can't yet forgive her for ignoring my needs as a child. It just all gets on top of me sometimes, I am having counselling which is great, but confronting all my issues in counselling forces me to look at the fact I have done nothing with my life.

I have never travelled, don't have a career going yet, have no children (I've posted about that before, really want them so will look into fostering later, as my health isn't adequate for pregnancy). I've not even had an amazing couple of years of wild passionate sex and partying - done a bit of the party thing, but not had a hot string of sexual partners to leave me with great memories. When I've not been in a relationship I've just been mostly alone. Even now I haven't had sex for 8 months, and I'm sad I'm not making the most of my life, and am so utterly lonely, but I don't want to 'make do' (done this in the past and never again) just to stave off loneliness.

Ugh I don't have a point to this, it just all feels horrible at times and like I can never catch up and build a life I enjoy.

you're still very young. you've been through a lot. i hope the counselling will eventually bring you to understand that you have done something - you survived.

why not make a list and start working towards things? that's what my counsellor wants me to do... where do i want to be in a year's time etc...

Hello Dove, I believe that grief makes it very diffcult to plan a future, particularly for women who lose their mothers when they are young. So don't be hard on yourself. As Rabbit suggests maybe even pick just one goal - could be a place to visit, or a new skill - and see what that feels like.

Most people don't do much with their lives to be honest.

I would persevere with the counselling, I took till 55 to work out why I am the way I am which wasted many years, keep on with the counseling and once you know yourself you will hopefully know what you want and need to feel fulfilled.

It's not too late at all. You've been through a lot already - a lot more than many people have by 29. Try not to compare your insides with everyone else's outsides.

Sometime last week, someone showed me a graphic about it's never too late, and it showed how old people were when they invented/started the thing they're famous for. Harlan Sanders was over retirement age when he started KFC (can't remember the other examples, and can't now find the link - goodness knows why KFC sticks with me!)

You certainly haven't wasted your life but you do only get one chance at it. I am a firm believer that a 'good' life will inevitably have periods of good, bad and ok times so don't think it's all over because things haven't been going so well up to now.

Write a list of what you think would make a good life for you. Pick something that is easy to obtain first such as perhaps taking up a hobby, learning a skill, booking a holiday (there are some great singles holidays for people who just want to see the world with a group for company at meal times etc). Once you start to do a few things and work out what does or does not make you happy your confidence will grow and it will feel easier to make more changes.

I think you are overwhelmed by trying to change your whole life at once as pp says why not make a list of a few things you want & can achieve and then go from there
But wasted your life??? You're not even 30 and from what you say sounds like you have been through a lot, none of it your fault. Good luck YANBU to feel the way you do but you need to change some things to make you happier so do that!

Thank you so much for the words of encouragement, everyone. It's not that I think 30 is old, just that when I was 20 I expected to be in a radically different place by now, and I don't feel I've got anywhere in terms of outer achievements. I suppose I do feel I know myself more, and what I want in life in the broader sense - it's just working out the finer details and the steps to then get there.

I am quite sociable and confident, and would be very interested in doing some evening classes or holidaying alone (that wouldn't bother me, I'd love to just take off and go) but unfortunately money is extremely tight. Somedays I skip dinner because it feels safer not to spend the money and know I have a little bit more of a safety net, or because I do sometimes want to spend £6 on a bottle of wine to drink with friends, etc. I'm just hoping and hoping that I can get full time work soon - I've had a good response from recruitment agencies, had two interviews in my field that went well (still waiting to hear feedback) and hopefully will have work and the security of an income in another few months. Having no spare money at all really is feeding into the sense of being stuck, but hopefully it will change soon.

I just really miss my mum, doesn't help.

Thank you so much xx

My mum died when I was 24 and I reckon I failed to live life for nearly ten years. I look back now and know my mum would have told me to make the most of every day but I just couldn't see the point as she was my best friend. It does get easier and we do only get one try. I think you have done a lot. It is never too late to start travelling even a weekend somewhere.

You are so young still and have all sorts of wonderful things just around the corner waiting for you. you just have to decide what those things will be.

My mantra for life in general is Never compromise. I think you have done an awful lot of compromising in your life.Its time for that to stop and for you to take the reins.

You have no ties to hold you to the place where you are so maybe look into travel .Perhaps working holidays abroad or in Uk where you earn your keep and have new experiences.

Once you can see alternatives you can start to decide exactly what you want from your life. What sort people do you want to be friendly with etc.

itwillgetbettersoon - yes, that resonates with me, the feeling of almost being in a trance after your lose the most important person in the world. What allowed you to make changes?

Bluejean - thank you, but I do have ties. I'm trying to build a secure base for myself where I live, yes it's in London which is expensive but necessary because I am close to my various medical teams here and excellent hospitals, for one thing. Also way more career opportunities. If I take my foot off the gas now in terms of trying to secure a career for myself, I will be lost. I don't have any more money to allow me to have another bash at this in a few years time, so I have to cling on and not look at something like a working holiday (I assume they're for a month or so?) until I have a bit more security. I also am not sure I have done much compromising at all, really, beyond what I have had to do and would not change - ie take time out of my own life to care for my terminally ill mother. I've given the men in my life the elbow once I worked out (granted, it might have taken me a while to figure this out) that was what I really wanted to do. When I realised a fuck buddy situation wasn't really what I was after, I quit that too.

What ties do you have?

Sometimes it is entirely possible to work abroad in any case. You just have to plan it.

My mum died when I was 24 and I reckon I failed to live life for nearly ten years.

I'd agree with that. I think I'm only just getting into my stride now I'm in my early 40s, and a lot of that is down to how much the grief hit me. I was getting back on track after my father died when my mother did. I think a lot of it has been time, but also realising there is no one else to pick me up when I fall, and I'm getting a lot better at standing up for myself, at least at work. I think outside work, I probably haven't really got there yet, by a long way.

Also, try not to spend too long working out how to get there - sometimes, you just have to give something a go. It may not work out, but you'll probably learn more and be in a better position to get to where you're meant to be than if you were still working out what you should be doing.

My ties are my health (my consultants are based here, and I need access to knowledgeable specialist nurses and clinics) and trying to secure a career. They are pretty big ties for me, tbh. I'm fine with this, I don't want to go to teach in China or be an au pair in Spain or work the outback in Australia for six months/ a year and then be back to square one on the minimum wage (if I was lucky enough to even find another entry level role) when I come home, I could not afford it! I would love to travel in my annual leave once I get a job, that's fine with me.

I have been working in a good entry level position for almost a year and need to progress into something full time asap. I can't skip off now.

Ebearhug - I can totally relate to the feeling of nobody being there to help you up when you fall. It's a very particular kind of loneliness, I think.

Thank you all again, so very much.

OP you mentioned having a job, raising children, travelling etc as to what you have not got or done. These are very big things to achieve, perhaps putting down some smaller everyday things that you would consider make up a good life and would like to achieve would take the pressure off to completely change your life.

Thank you :) yes, that is a good idea. I love lists so going to make a list of things I can do this week/ month that I want to do and can do, that will all be little steps towards the bigger picture as well as being enjoyable or rewarding in the here and now.

lonesome. My mum died when I was 29. I had my first child at 29. My life started at 29, so only just a little younger than you. My career sorted of started late 20s but not really. It's taken a while and it's stopped short due to my own health reasons and decision to concentrate on being a mum.

I would say, at 36, that the last 6 years have been the most productive years of my life. I drifted through my life before then, sorting of doing stuff but with no real purpose and when my mum died, I was floored completely for a while. In my 30's I got married, had another child, travelled to US several times, and abroad elsewhere. Before then I had been to france and prague and that was it.

I feel, honestly and truly that my life has started in my 30s.

As already mentioned, plan one thing that you want to do that is achievable - start a hobby of something you have always wanted to do but never got around to doing (for me that would be join a kayaking or bodyboarding club, for example) or chose one place to go and visit on holiday and work toward that.

And, if you have been working hard toward a career that is not right any more, change it. You won't be 'losing' as you will always have gained skills, experiences etc from your life so far.

Once apon a time there was an expectation that we would have our lives sorted by now, children, marriage, career, house almost paid for blah blah blah, but then, we would be expecting to retire no later than 60, earlier if we could. And it was harder to have children after our 20's then, societal expectations, medical restrictions. So many people I know are only just having their families now in their 30s and a few late 30s and onwards.

Lonesome, at 29 I ended a relationship with a lovely fella who just did not want children or marriage. I them met the father of my children and got married at 35 and had first child at 37 and second at 39 - so as you can see you are very young. Like others have said for me once I had a child I had to stop grieving for my mother and the life me and her would have had. I still get upset if I drink too much and probably in hindsight should have had counselling but 25 years ago you didn't do that - 4 days off work and expected to be back in (and that was the public sector so better than most). With children life takes you on a very different route and probably did move me on in life.

I nearly 50 and still don't think I have really found what I'm looking for but I am happy so that is good. I don't do goals or five year plans as you don't know what life itself is going to throw at you. I take each day as it comes but do plan holidays as I love them.

I think, your own circumstances aside, it's normal to feel like this at our age. It's part of the journey, and might be what helps to drive you forward to new experiences.

I'm just a little younger (not much) but have seen lots of my aunties and cousins go through the same thing, as women.

As money is one of your worries, I'm just wondering, do you have much free time? If there's anything you could volunteer for, or be part of for free (maybe trade skills?) to help you gain relevant work experience it might help you with work. Or, for just a fun hobby - the less expensive the better so it won't stress you out with the cost. If the hobby might be a potential small earner, could even be great for you.

One thing I personally find in times of self doubt is that exercise really helps me focus my mind, and feel good about myself.