Alcoholic ex wife

[oggy47]

Hi all,

Stopped contact of our child with Mother, she is an active alcoholic. I've worked with her for years, but reached the end of the line. Ex finally got a place in rehab, got sober during a 5 month residential course. Visited for an hour each week with child 'quite a trip' Anyway done more than most to keep a relationship going with child and mum.

Kicked out of rehab in the last few weeks due to forming a relationship with heroin addict, refused to keep him away from child, while sober, in the first 6 weeks out of rehab. Now drinking again and heroin addict on heroin again. Trying to get back into rehab.

Stopped contact, Insisted she has to get sober and any boyfriend never meets child, until I say its ok.

At the moment looks like child will not see mother again in the child's childhood

What other options do I have? I am open to suggestions.

I understood fine: child's mother is drinking again, has heroin addict boyfriend, and has always refused to keep child away from boyfriend.

So sorry about the situation, oggy.

Contact would always have to be supervised, I think, with you or another relative present, or at a contact centre (v oversubscribed).

Do you think your child gets anything positive out of seeing their mother, or is it all just traumatic?

Feel isolated and guilty, always told myself id never be 'that' parent who refused contact. However, can cope with that. Advised Ex wife to write to child, Phone calls are out as always drunk when calling.

I get the no brainer comment, but its, in my opinion more complicated. Tried day trips, and supervised visits, but they end up in emotional blackmail at best.

Guess I am looking for a fresh perspective

Child got little from contact, but was keeping it going thinking it would get better and had an eye on the future.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. It is extremely sad for your child but what is the point of carrying on a relationship with such a troubled individual? There is no way she could ever have unsupervised access, and that is tough on you.

I do think your child may need additional support - counselling or therapy of some sort? He or she will be damaged by what has already occurred in his/her short life, I am sure.

You are completely right, sad but necessary.

Contact is for the benefit of the child, is the child getting any benefit from seeing the mother.

I know a magic solution does not exist.

I guess I doubt myself, Mother is my ex wife and all that entails. we have been divorced over ten years and child was newborn when she left, plus child has lived with me since birth. just some background.

Thanks kotinka, I do worry child will blame me later in life. I will read letters if ex writes. Not considered a clean break but will ponder that.

I feel for you. There is another poster on here (haven't seen him around for a while though) who is bringing up his children whilst divorced from his alcoholic ex.

sound like you've done all you can.

i like the idea of letters. by writing, they will maintain a relationship, if the mother is capable of that.

Oh, I do take child to see her nan and extended family, not there fault.

My DCs have an alcoholic mother. She goes through periods of sobriety followed by periods of drunken chaos. She's in "sober" mode right now but after years of the same cycle I don't have any expectation it will last for long. Right now my DCs only really want to see her for a couple of hours at a time in public places. They don't want to be with her at her house. They speak on the phone once a week but they want me to answer the call first as I can tell when she's not sober and they have no desire to talk to her like that.

My DCs are young teenagers and know enough about their mum and her problems to be able to voice an opinion as to where, when and how they want to see her. I remind them that whatever they decide I'll back them up; if they want to see her more, less, whatever. I'm on their side and I'll support them regardless of what they choose.

Keeping your child to see the mother's side of the family is so important. As is being honest yourself. You don't need to tell the whole ugly truth to your child but you should tell the truth in an age-appropriate way. I think it's very important that parents in our position do our utmost to be the solid, dependable rock for our children. Their other parent may be unreliable and self-centred but our children need to know that they do have at least one person in their lives that they can rely on.

Thanks Howard, seems we are in similar situations with similar outlooks. Sorry about that, but it does help knowing its not just me. Never met another dad in same situation as we are in. Anyway thanks.

Unfortunately alcoholics won't sober up until they are ready to. The only thing you can do is limit the amount of damage they inflict. To me stopping contact is currently the only option.

Good luck.

My mum was an alcoholic. I wish to hell my dad had kept her away from me and my brother, I don't think I had a restful day in my life until she killed herself, after years of emotional blackmail and abuse. You sound like you are a caring dad and responsible person, my personal feeling is that you should make a clean break now.

It sounds to me as though you are loving, responsible dad doing your best in a very difficult situation. Good luck to you and your DC.

Could Mum be sober enough to ensure her boyfriend is safe around the child? If not, or you think there is a chance of not, your child is at risk if s/he has direct contact. I don't see how you can promote direct contact even if you want to.

It might help to speak to National Association for Children of Alcoholics or Alateen to help your child understand it's not their fault and it's not that their mother doesn't want to see them, she has an illness.

My mum, a retired social worker has given very similar advice, again thanks for all your outlooks on this issue. It does help to hear other opinions. My breaking point was EX getting kicked out of rehab and another addict getting involved, it was just to much. Not because the addicts a new boyfriend, in the past I have got on with the odd one. Child's had enough, school, mates, puberty are enough for child to cope with. I think I have worried to much about future outlook of my kid and to little about now.

Thanks PosyfossilsShoes I in all honesty I went ballistic when I found out about his addiction, Heroin seems so much more horrible. Although in reality I doubt it is. I asked for an assurance that he would not meet my kid, but got no such assurance. ex has a history of meeting a guy one day and child meeting him the next, done it 3 or 4 times now. Anyway that is when things ground to a halt. I do feel guilty, but I think I have made the right decision.

Kotinka, Thanks. As the parent with all the power, and being a bloke. I said id never do what I am now doing now. As a dad I am well aware of other dads not being allowed to see there kids due to abuse of power in some cases. Stopping contact is my only option, but I will be open to change if ex gets sober.