to ask how I can get my mojo back?

[daisydoo222]

So I'm a Mum with 2 kids (DS4 and DD 19 months) but after I had my DD I got very bad PND, I really was very poorly, even to the point where DP and my Mum were having to take time off work to look after me and I had the crisis team coming to my house every day when I was at my worst.

Thankfully I am now over it, I'm not depressed any more, although I still occasionally have wobbly moments, maybe I always will?

But the problem is that even though I'm better I'm still not being the Mum and wife that I want to be.

1. I'm not looking after myself properly
2. I'm not looking after my home the way I used to
3. I don't play with DD as much as I would like to
4. I'm knackered all the time

I stay at home looking after DD all day whilst DS is at school and then I work 2 evenings and all day Saturday. It is hard working in the evenings and then getting up for the school run and recently I've been trying to tell myself to not be too hard on myself as it is like I am doing two jobs.

However, I really want to snap out of this lack of care for myself and my home. I think it is mostly down to routines and also my lack of self esteem, it's like I just don't care anymore. I need to find my motivation again.

I've been thinking about seeing a life coach lately, has anyone used one? and would you recommend it?

Or are there any self help books anybody can recommend?

Or tips on how to keep on top of the housework?

I'm getting married in June and I'd like to find my spark again by my wedding day. I'd like to start our married life together with me being 'the old me', the one who couldn't stand it if the hand towel wasn't folded the right way or if the rug wasn't in the right position etc...not this new me who will happily go to bed with a sink full of pots in the sink.

You are doing two jobs, you are going to be knackered, children are seriously hard work.

You don't need a life coach.

You are doing brilliantly. No one is a perfect mum/wife/housekeeper

Be kind to yourself.

ok you have 2 kids at very demanding ages AND doing an evening job. i think you are doing really well.
It WILL get easier
in the meantime just do your best and don't be too hard on yourself.
housework is relentless and i often find it soul-destroying. my two are both at school and i work pt based from home, some days i barely get any work done and the house is still a mess. not that i haven't tidied it just that the kids/me/dh mess it up quicker than i can tidy it. add on top of that shopping, cooking, laundry, school runs, after school crazy schedules sometimes you just have to let things go and not beat yourself up.

i read somewhere recently that the Dalai Lama said the meaning of life was happiness. The aim in life is to try and find that happiness. Sometimes you actively have to remember to be happy. I find that quite useful, it is easy for me to have a default setting of "fed up".

Thank you for the kind words

tess73 that's exactly how I feel - default setting of "fed up". I am completely thank full for my beautiful, amazing children and my lovely husband to be but I suppose I rarely remember how lucky I am.
I don't want to look back and regret not making the most of my children whilst they're this age.

I see other Mums on the school run and they're there with there hair and make up looking all perfect, and there's me looking like I've just been dragged through a hedge backwards.

On one hand I want a lovely clean, tidy home. But on the other hand I don't want to spend my life cleaning, I'd rather spend my time with my kids than at the kitchen sink.

I might just get a cleaner instead lol.

I think it's probably worse at the mo as this month I've done some overtime so I've done 12 hour shifts on 2 sundays which has meant that I've been even more tired the following week and usually Sundays are our days for getting jobs done and getting some quality family time.

I think you're being a bit hard on yourself - the 'old you' didn't have two young children to care for so it's natural that some bit of your previous housework tasks have to be shelved until you've more time on your hands.

I have a Homestart volunteer come to my house for 2 hours each week and it's made a big difference to me. She plays with the kids while I do some cooking/cleaning and she tells me I'm doing a good job which helps my confidence.Homestart are an organisation who help parents with children under 5 - check them out, it could be what you're needing right now.

Daisy what, if anything do you do just for yourself?

andanotherthing - yes I've heard of Homestart before, when I only had my DS I considered being a volunteer for them but I've never really thought of having them come to me. I think it could make a huge difference, I find it much easier to get things done when someone else is here.

sleepwhenidie well I go to slimming world once a week, which I do see as time for myself as it gives me chance to reflect on the past week and think about the week ahead.
I go and get my nails done once every 3 weeks but I usually feel guilty about asking someone to look after DD whilst I go and I feel guilty for spending £20 on myself - which is silly really because we can afford it.
And every now and again me and my Mum go for a spa day but that is only about 2 or 3 times a year.
That's pretty much it. Today I'm going shopping with my Mum as DP and the kids have gone away for the weekend. I probably wouldn't be going on a shopping day if they were here.

I noticed something the last time we went away actually. I packed the perfect number of clothes for the kids and DP but I got there and realised I'd hardly packed anything for myself, I'd forgotten to pack and cardigans or jumpers etc so I was freezing. I'd forgotten quite a few things for myself.
I just thought that summed everything up really - I put myself last. I forget about myself a lot of the time.

I think that at be the root of the problem Daisy , the packing thing is very telling as you say!

Make a list of the things that make you feel happy, relaxed or comforted, things you did before kids came along or things you have maybe been drawn towards. Things like self care (bathing, body lotion, doing your nails etc), exercise you enjoy, creative things like art , music or literature, spiritual stuff like meditation or spending time outdoors....then start finding ways to fit these in to everyday life. It's hard when dc's are very young but gets easier as they get older and start to go to nursery/school. Is there anyone who could babysit one afternoon a week for you? Could you enrol in a weekly evening class - yoga, painting, photography for example? Start jogging a few times a week, just half an hour outside to clear your head and get back in touch with your body? This stuff should take priority over the housework but if you start to do things that make you you and not just mum/wife you will hopefully start to feel more motivated with the routine stuff that is your 'job'.

I was going to say save the money on the life coach and pay for a cleaner once a week. It really helps to have someone do the basics, mine used to change the beds as well!

I was you a few months ago. With only one DD though. But if you tend to be a perfectionist, having a child makes you lose control, and you just feel like you are worthless if everything is not shipshape. I get that, I really do, I spent a long time struggling against my vision of perfection.
The only good advice I can give you is: Start prioritizing what is really important. Is it most important to have a clean house? Hire a cleaner then if you can afford it. Is it very important to look good on the school run? Go to the parlour then. Is it most important to spend time with DC? Do it without thinking of anything else.
Oh and most important: As long as you are not running up a debt, or ruining some one's life, please do not feel guilty for your choices. You are NOT a lesser woman for needing a cleaner, an occasional break from DC, a need to concentrate on your career etc etc. You can put yourself first ocasionally, your DC will benefit ultimately from having a happier, more confident mother.