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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Avoid My Seperated Wife

13 replies

rb512022 · 05/04/2014 13:37

Hi, we broke up nearly 4 weeks ago .....my wife's idea not mine....Divorce will be the next step no doubt.

I moved out we agreed a custody schedule and there you go.

It's difficult for me to face my wife when we hand kids over so in the meantime I ask her to drop them off at my mums house...when I am not there..

I love my wife and 3 young kids to bits and would love to reconcile......but seeing her upsets me and I am trying a bit of a no contact rule where it's practical so try and help me recover. out of sight out of mind type thing.

In my wife's eyes will this make me look weak by trying to avoid her or should I puff my chest out act confident and just have the contact when it comes along

We fell out over constant arguments about how the children should be brought up. no one else involved.

Thanks

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 05/04/2014 13:42

As long as you're both putting the kids first and dropping them at your Mums has no negative affect on them, I think it's fine.

You sound like you need a bit of time to take everything in.

Good luck OP, it does get easier

Nokidsnoproblem · 05/04/2014 14:05

I think that as long as your kids are happy then you're both doing great.

You sound a bit down. Why don't you treat yourself? Think of the funniest movie you've ever seen, and watch it with a special treat (ie ice cream or something). It will take your mind off things and might even make you smile.

rookiemater · 05/04/2014 14:07

YANBU. It's really important for the DCs to try to keep it as amicable as possible therefore, not seeing her for changeovers sounds like a v sensible idea.

Had you tried couples counselling?

WooWooOwl · 05/04/2014 15:45

I think you need to stop worrying about how you will look in your wife's eyes and concentrate on how you see yourself. You and the children are the only things you need to concentrate on for now, and with time, hopefully you will be able to have an amicable relationship with your co parent. But while everything is still very raw, be kind to yourself and do what you have to do to be on the best possible form for when you see your children.

Original poster

rb512022 · 05/04/2014 18:09

Hi guys thanks for your help.....I asked her to go to counselling before we split...she refused .

I like to kids to have certain boundaries she doesn't thats why we argued.....she lost her mum 18 months ago and says life is too short for rules etc ????

I dont want to lose her....but I am just trying to give her some space just in case there is a remote chance of reconciliation

OP posts:

C3P0 · 06/04/2014 01:48

Do you have a mutual friend who can mediate? I'd not avoid her. It will set a bad habit.

missingmumxox · 06/04/2014 04:30

No you are doing what is right at the moment, good luck.

foreverondiet · 06/04/2014 07:53

The issue is if she gets custody then your kids won't have any boundaries either. Does she want to get divorced? Re: boundaries - most of the people I know who had no boundaries with small kids ended up having to impose some as the kids got older. Because if not the children's demands as they become older are more unreasonable. Ie without boundaries my 10 year old would do no homework and be constantly exhausted from watching iplayer stuff on her iPod until late every night.

RedFocus · 06/04/2014 08:00

I don't blame you tbh op. I would do the same thing in your shoes.
Don't worry about what she thinks either as that's not your problem. Concentrate on your dc's and getting your life back together. You'll be alright op. Chin up

RedFocus · 06/04/2014 08:20

With regards to your dc's & ex. By not setting boundaries or limits she is effectively damaging the dc's as I'm sure you know, they could end up very unfulfilled and miserable adults. Perhaps you could try for custody or maybe 50/50 care? For now just make sure they know you love them and keep those boundaries in place. Good luck op.

diddl · 06/04/2014 08:25

Are they really without boundaries now or just not as many as you wou like?

Is there no compromise to be had?

Seems awfully sad a reason to split.

How do you think it is for the kids to be dropped off for time with you but you are not even there?

maddening · 06/04/2014 08:32

does your wife see this as a permanent split? If so then yes protect yourself but if you want to reconcile and your wife wants to also ultimately then you need to start a dialogue instead of avoiding and pushing this in to divorce - maybe suggest couple's counselling ?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 06/04/2014 08:38

I'd look into mediation. I wouldn't ask a friend to do it, but get a professional in. You need to work out the rules between you for joint parenting, I think that's difficult enough to do when you're getting on so there's a need for help when you're splitting up.

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