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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to share my son on my birthday!

92 replies

TeresaGreene · 04/04/2014 13:29

Basically, I do not get on with my ex partners wife. I initially made an effort with her as I wanted to get on with her for the sake of my son who sees his dad twice a week. She however has always had a problem with me, has tried to intimidate me by sending horrid text messages and has caused problems between myself and my ex partner. Anyway, the thing is that unfortunately we both share the same birthday and my ex has been in touch asking if ds can go out for a meal for her birthday in evening. I would really like to spend my whole birthday with my son and my family. AIBU to not want to share my son on my birthday? Please help as I don't want to be horrible or cause more problems but I do find it hard to stick up for myself against them.

OP posts:

Original poster

TeresaGreene · 04/04/2014 15:31

...'our' birthday does fall on a day which ds would normally spend with his dad and step mum however, we are always flexible around the birthdays of close family members. I have text exp and explained my plans for a day trip but now he is asking if ds can sleep over the night before so he can help his step mum open her presents! Don't think he is going to take no for an answer as usual.

OP posts:

BringBackBod · 04/04/2014 15:35

I think YABU sorry.
I can't get past the title I'm afraid.

BertieBotts · 04/04/2014 15:37

If it's their normal day to have him then I think he should go with them :( sorry. I know that's not a nice thing to hear but it's an unusual situation that you both happen to have the same birthday.

If you can fit both celebrations in on the same day then that sounds perfect. Or leave it as if it happens to be his contact day then he's with them. Hard for this year, but if you have him more than 50% of the time, then you're likely to get more of your birthdays to spend with him anyway.

TBH, I never even knew when my stepmum's birthday was until DS was born the day after hers and now I can't forget it! :)

badidea · 04/04/2014 15:37

That sounds like a fair compromise OP? He stays the night before, has the early morning with them, then you get them late morning for the whole day/night? Did you not say he was 9 though (or am I mixing this up with another thread)? Do 9 year olds help people open their presents? (my son is 4 I was hoping that would stop soon!!)

Sirzy · 04/04/2014 15:41

If it is his normal custody day then yes yabu,

Why not do a trip out and then drop him with them for the meal? He gets to spend time with both of you then

oscarwilde · 04/04/2014 15:43

Help her open her presents? WTF? That kills a day trip unless you pick him up at 8am?

Have you checked what day of the week your ex's birthday falls on this week?

Original poster

TeresaGreene · 04/04/2014 15:47

Yes oscar exactly what I was thinking! Also there is no way that I would prevent my ex from spending the day with ds even if his birthday fell on a day that he was usually with me.

OP posts:

badidea · 04/04/2014 15:49

In that case OP, stand firm, say no, you need him all day as you're going out, but offer some other random day in return for them to celebrate after the fact. Why is she requesting your son be there on your birthday? Sounds like a right cow to me...

diddl · 04/04/2014 15:51

Well he's not trying to prevent you, is he?

But he obviously wants some time with his son as well.

NewtRipley · 04/04/2014 15:53

This sounds really childish on all sides.

JRmumma · 04/04/2014 15:58

I think you are missing a trick here OP. Spend the day with your son, then ship him out to his dad's for the night and celebrate grown up stylee!

Pregnantberry · 04/04/2014 16:20

I am a bit late to the thread, but anyway, you get the priority if it comes down to it because as you say, he's your son, and I say that as a step mum and mum myself.

That said, as long as you're not making your plans to be deliberately obstructive to theirs (and I'm not saying you are) and I agree with others that you need to rethink the 'he's my son and I don't want to share him' mindset, because it does make him sound like a possession to be fought over IYSWIM. I can understand why you'd be upset with her in general though and she sounds immature for being rude with you for no reason, that only makes things harder for everyone (including herself).

If you could find a way of him doing both that sounds like the nicest scenario for all in the long run because it won't get anyone's back up and your son gets to do both activities.

ikeaismylocal · 04/04/2014 16:30

I would think it would be fair to keep to the days that you and your ex usually have ds, you'll have him next year for your entire birthday I assume?

Could you just go out for a family day out to celebrate your birthday on another day? I don't think it is so important to celebrate adult birthdays on the correct day, your ds would get to be involved in both celebrations.

I would understand if it was your ds's birthday that you were wrangling to get a fair share of but for 2 grown women to be disagreeing over who a child should celebrate with seems a bit petty. If you just stick to the allocated days you'll end up with celebrating with him another year.

badidea · 04/04/2014 16:48

I fail to see why your DP's current partner gets any so over who your son should spend the day with. What's it to her if he's there or not? He's not her son?

It sounds incredibly spiteful to me, and I completely disagree with the view that you should pick another day for your birthday and celebrate it then - what nonsense. You've already said that contact days aside, you're both always flexible about birthdays, so no need for you to pick a random day to celebrate it on, esp when your planning a day out with all of your family.

She's not his mother, there's no reason for her not to celebrate her birthday when he comes to visit another day.

Sirzy · 04/04/2014 16:51

Badidea - sounds to me like his step mum sees him as part of the family. How is that a bad thing?

diddl · 04/04/2014 16:52

"What's it to her if he's there or not? He's not her son?"

Perhaps she loves him & enjoys time with him?

rabbitlady · 04/04/2014 18:10

its about you because its your birthday and he's your son. keep him to yourself.

badidea · 04/04/2014 18:16

sirzy - does she see him as part of her family or is she being manipulative knowing this will upset the OP? (I'm basing this on the abuse that OP has stated she has received from this woman).

Additionally, if she truly loved him that much she'd want him to spend the whole day with his mum, she wouldn't be requesting that he be there in the morning to help her open her presents.

Sirzy · 04/04/2014 18:18

Well given the fact that the op has said her son has a good relationship with her then I am guessing that if is actually that she cares about him.

Step parents really can't do right for doing wrong can they!

badidea · 04/04/2014 18:22

What is right about trying to lure away the OPs child on her birthday?

If their relationship is that great, she'd appreciate that it's more important that he spends that day with his mum, rather than trying to pressure the OP to share the day.

It's a no brainer for me.

Sirzy · 04/04/2014 18:25

But he can easily spend time with both. I don't see why it needs to be an issue.

Day out with mum, meal with step mum in the evening. Lovely day for her son getting to spend special time with people he loves.

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/04/2014 18:47

TeresaGreene
"...'our' birthday does fall on a day which ds would normally spend with his dad and step mum"

I thought that YWBU before, but they are changing their arrangements so that "your" DS can be with you and you are still not happy.

Now YABVU.

Hissy · 04/04/2014 20:17

You're his mum, you get first choice.

If you have something in mind to do, then say you have plans.

She sounds like she's points scoring.

badidea · 04/04/2014 20:29

boney the OP has already said that htey always make changes to contact arrangements for each others birthdays, so she would still expect to have the day with her son even it was a day scheduled for her ex.

Hissy - I completely agree, cannot believe she wants an 8 year old to help her open presents, sounds like all she wants to do is spoil the OPs birthday.

LyndaCartersBigPants · 04/04/2014 20:56

I would never expect my DP's DDs to spend my birthday with me if it was also their DM's birthday, how odd! Yes, they are lovely and we are a family when they are with us, but SHE'S THEIR MUM! Her birthday would trump mine every time. Yanbu.

My ex and I often share the DCs on their birthdays I.e. They will wake up at one house, go to school and come home to the other or if it's a weekend we may do something all together. It's important that they see us both on their special day.

If ex wanted to see them on his birthday I'd happily swap days and there's no way I'd make him compromise in order for my DCs to spend time with my DP, much as they love him.

For my own birthday, yes it would be ideal to spend time with them so that they can give me their present and celebrate with me, but if it happened that they were due to be at their dad's, I'd happily celebrate with them another day and take advantage of an adult night out

It's just a day, but the step mum needs to accept that too.

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