to be a really upset by this and want to find out how to change myself?

[CoochieCoo99]

Hi

I've moved to a new place about a year ago, and have been struggling to make friends. I'm naturally very shy, but I try my hardest to be more outgoing. I've fallen in with a group of women who all know each other, and have been out to lunch with them about 3 times.

At one of these lunches I agreed to join in with running a half-marathon which is on Sunday. Today you had to go and collect your race pack, and so one of the girls messaged me and another girl to see if we wanted to go together, as we'd agreed at one of the lunches. Being shy I had thought I'd just go on my own, but as I really want to make friends I thought I'd be brave and go along with them, even though I barely know them.

We travelled there by tube together and I chatted with them normally. At the place you had to queue up separately at different desks according to your race number, and as I came back from getting mine they were standing together and one of the actually said 'watch out she's coming back' and the other one said 'oops'. They'd obviously been talking about me in a not nice way, but I just pretended I didn't hear and tried to act normally. They acted nice as pie to my face before and after that incident.

I'm actually pretty upset about it. I barely know these girls and so I wonder what they could have found objectionable about me - how I look? How I act? What I was wearing? This isn't the first time I've put people off, I can sort of tell people are uncomfortable around me (e.g. people don't look me in the eyes, one of the girls today would't, and a girl I used to work with you really really had it in for me wouldn't). I seem to be doing or saying something that's putting people off big time. How on earth do I find out what it is? I'm thinking maybe I'm really eccentric or something and don't realise it myself? Or I look odd? Or I smell? How on earth do I find out what it is? My husband swears blind I'm nice and normal, just a bit shy but that I cover it up well. Maybe my shyness makes me act aloof? I used to have social anxiety and I literally couldn't talk to people without blushing, I'm so much better now but people seem to still not like me.

I used to make friends fine (even with the social anxiety!) and I miss having friends to just have a laugh with so much. How do I work out where I'm going wrong? I feel like I need a course in social skills at the age of 38. Should I see a counsellor or something? And how on earth do you know if people actually like you or loath you if they act nice to your face but bitch about you behind your back? Is this just what happens and i should suck it up?

If you've read this far - thank you!

Hi Coochie

Good luck in your half marathon! :-)

Those ladies don't sound very nice tbh and although it appeared they were talking about you , I suppose the first thing to learn really is that people will talk about you all day long, that's what they do, whether it be malicious or kind things. You have to be confident in yourself which is what to me seems to be lacking from your post and not worry about it, I always think people are entitled to their opinions and whatever they think about me is up to them but I don't give a monkeys either way, I live my life as nice, kind and non-selfish person and I'm confident in my choices and abilities. If people don't like me and more often then not they instantly don't (hard/miserable face but can't help that!) I think it's their problem to solve not mine. You shouldn't judge people on how they look, it tells you jack about their personality.

It's not easy making 'friends'. I moved to a different area 5 years ago and have only made 1 real 'friend' with whom I will have for life. I consider myself quite lucky in that achievement. I chose not to surround myself with too many acquaintances as it can be exhausting and I'm a natural introvert.

Also you have to understand some people cannot be nice to others at all because of many different reasons, anxiety, shyness, confidence, upbringing, so on and so on. It's not a reflection on you but if you look a bit closer it gives more if an insight into them.

Anyway, good luck with it all. Get yourself out there, be confident in yourself ( you can learn techniques that will help) and don't worry about what others think, they will think it regardless!

You really don't know them too well, so I'd not yet assume the worst. Possibly they are faster runners and felt awkward about getting into a situation where you wanted to run with them? Sounds silly, but not far fetched given the circumstances. Either way I would listen to previous posters who suggested you worry less about them and more about what you want.

Ps good luck!

It says far more about them than you OP. You don't need to try harder and they should apologise for their rude and unfriendly behaviour.

I had a similar situation recently, where myself and a colleague were discussing her pregnancy, which I knew about but no-one else in the office did, as she wanted to wait until her first scan to tell people. Another colleague walked back into the room so we stopped talking, which made the other colleague very suspicious that we were talking about her. She was very off with both of us for ages, and we couldn't explain.

Could this be something similar? Maybe your new friends were talking about sonething/someone different, but it wasn't appropriate to discuss with you. As others have said, they are seeking out your company so obviously like you.