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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To distance myself...

18 replies

CarCiKoTab · 03/04/2014 13:56

I met a new "friend" around the school, all started well she appeared really bubbly really down to earth. I'm a fairly private person, in a sense I like my own space but about 6 months ago things have escalated to where I've found this friend is everywhere I am. If I went round to the school she would follow me back to mine after drop off, regardless of an invite.

There has been occasions where she has undermined my parenting, if I have told my second eldest off and to hold my hand and that he's not allowed to hold her hand, after about 5 seconds I look down and low and behold she's holding his hand. Another incident where she was round mine again, I was expecting a parcel from the postman and well he knocked and I went to answer it but, she took it upon herself to answer MY front door without asking and even though I was trying to answer it myself, I personally felt that was really rude!

She constantly goes on about her issues in life which just drains me dry after you've heard the same thing over, over and over again. I've started feeling anxious going round to the school to do drop off because, I don't want her to keep coming round to my house uninvited, I have things to do I have a baby, one on the way and a 3 year old but I can't do anything with her here. I could go on but it would be too much to take in.

So AIBU been distant with her in the hope she will stop relying on me for a place to sit, drink tea and vent her life issues or do you think I need to be straight with her. I'm not really, bothered is the wrong word but along them lines, about staying friends but I would prefer to be cordial.

OP posts:

rabbitlady · 03/04/2014 14:01

keep distant and if you can't, be straight. if she arrives at the house, tell her its not convenient and don't let her in.

Objection · 03/04/2014 14:11

Honestly, I'm not sure why she wants you as her friend, sorry.
You have a problem with a friend of yours answering the door to the postman? And holding your childs hand?
Its sounds like she's not the one with the probelm. YABVU.

lapetitesiren · 03/04/2014 14:14

You need to create some distance gently with a bit of assertive behaviour. When she leaves next time tell her it' s been nice to spend lots of time to get to know each other but you need to get back to normality a bit and then give her a firm invite for a couple of days later. Don' t get drawn in to casual arrangements- tell her you are sorry but this morning is not convenient but shall we do such and such on friday. Managing it might work, you might be giving off a message that its ok. If that doesn' t work you will have to be ruthless. Re your parenting decisions, your child must do as hes told by you and insist he does even if it makes you look rude or petty. You need to set clear boundaries , we are all gobsmacked when someone is rude but you need to say excuse me but I don' t want you to answer my door etc. You do not owe any explanations or her anything. Tedious though it may be she obviously values your friendship enough to co

thebody · 03/04/2014 14:16

why don't you allow your child to hold her hand as well? just wondering. also it wouldn't bother me a bit if a friend answered my door.

still if she's annoying you then I am sure you sound more than capable of freezing her out.

you sound like chalk and cheese.

she's obviously lonely and you don't found like the type to fill her gap.

tell her you are busy, avoid letting her in your house and I am sure she will get the message.

lapetitesiren · 03/04/2014 14:17

Confide in you so it would be nicer to move her on gently. Go together to something and try to sit with a different group so she makes new friends. She might be a bit socially awkward and needs a push to move on. Thats all if you want to be nice. If you feel you can' t cope you have to look after your own families needs first so just keep saying sorry i' m busy today.

lapetitesiren · 03/04/2014 14:20

Op, some people have a knack of filling up too much of your time. It doesn't make you a bad person if you don't want someone else making even trivial decisions in life for you. In my experience its a thin end of a wedge that needs nipping in the bud

saulaboutme · 03/04/2014 14:32

yanbu. She has become intrusive and you need to distance yourself.
She sounds lonely but she's not for you. Tell her you're busy and see her soon ttfn etc.
Been in the same boat but someone will come along who has got time for her. Some people are just like that. Not their fault but if she bothers you better to stay away.

Original poster

CarCiKoTab · 03/04/2014 14:47

Truth be told she has confided in many people regardless of the friendship status, she has got herself stuck in a rut with life I feel, yes I feel sorry for her to a certain extent, without making that sound horrid but we all have issues in life which are all important to us but, I think the only way in dealing with them is grabbing the bull by the horns and dealing with it head on.

Yes I have a problem with someone little more than an acquaintance answering my door, unless I'd asked them too and yes I have a problem with someone undermining my parenting when I'm trying to discipline my children, my children need to know their boundaries with me and if I'm fighting against somebody else I don't stand much of a chance.

OP posts:

AlpacaLypse · 03/04/2014 14:51

You've been a bit of a doormat letting her tag her way into your life, so I can see why it feels hard to start being assertive now, but you're going to have to be, or it's all going to go tits up when you blow your stack.

'It's not convenient' is a whole sentence. Keep using it until she finds someone else to provide tea, cake and a listening ear.

Original poster

CarCiKoTab · 03/04/2014 15:02

Here's another one I was sitting with my partner in the evening, knowing she's appointed a new child minder recently. She phone's me up and tells me she has used me for an emergency contact with the child minder, I felt like I'd been put on the spot. I felt she could have asked before hand if that would be OK but, say something does go wrong and one of her children have an accident or what not and need immediate medical attention and I'm asked to pick them up, I'm not a family member I wouldn't be able to say yes to any treatment as I have no idea about them in regards to allergies and I have no rights!

I don't want to hurt her/upset her or anything I just don't know how to handle it all without been straight with her and risk upsetting her.

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 03/04/2014 15:08

She would irritate me too tbh.

Finola1step · 03/04/2014 15:26

It sounds like that you have different ideas on what this relationship is. She sees you as a good friend but you see her as an acquaintance. Therefore you find her over familiar.

I think you do need to detach yourself. But I gunk you might need to be upfront. Tell her that with the new baby on the way and the dc, you have so much to get on with. That you want to stay friends but a coffee and catch up once a week or so would work better for you. Be direct because dropping hints will lead to confusion and hurt feelings.

But be prepared that she will then probably find someone else who can give her the level of friendship that she is looking for and you will get dropped.

Finola1step · 03/04/2014 15:26

Think not gunk!

thebody · 03/04/2014 15:59

oh no putting you as a contact for her cm is out of order unless previously agreed.

tell her no oy that as it sucks you further in.

re the holding hands I thought you minded her holding as well not your dc letting go of yours and holding hers.

she has latched into you as you may need to be very blunt if you want this to cease.

RedFocus · 03/04/2014 16:04

Clearly she's no friend of yours so why not just tell her and stop being childish about it.

Original poster

CarCiKoTab · 03/04/2014 16:16

Because you have to bare in mind I have to see her everyday at the school. I don't want to be mean, would you think it would be easier to just get her on her own and tell her exactly how I feel and then deal with the outcome in the nicest way possible?

OP posts:

thebody · 03/04/2014 17:38

no I would firstly say you arnt happy with bring the contact at school, you can always go into the school and tell them to take you off the contact list. tell her that's for family only.

next you need toske specific times to meet her in stages so after drop off if she seems to he following you say ' sorry can't meet today as busy seeing family or other friends so how about blah blah and give her another day.

you just need to be busy but see her sometimes as that might work for you anyway.

no need for grand declarations that may hurt her and cause potential problems at school just smiling withdrawing and be firm but kind.

Original poster

CarCiKoTab · 04/04/2014 10:21

Well thank you for all your advice and opinions.

OP posts:

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