To ask my partner to make an effort with my family ?

[ilikebigbutts]

Together 18yrs, usual ups and downs during that time and we have 2 young dcs together. Our upbringings were very different, I had/have a very large extended family and "think" we are close without living in one anothers pockets. Dh's mother died when he was a child and his father married the original evil stepmothet. Dh's family weren't all that close to begin with but this woman saw to it that aunts, uncles and cousins all lost contact with dh. He has an older sister but there relationship is pretty strained, she means well but can be hard work and dh loses patience with her.

A few weeks ago we had a family dinner for my Mum's birthda; it was a bigger deal than usual as she is rcovering from breast cancer. Dh had moaned about needing to go, said he didn't like the restaurant or the food. He went though but basically spent the whole night at the end of the table with the kids. He only spoke when spoken to and even then was monosyllabic. We had an almighty row the following evening as I felt he had completely shown me up and acted like an ignorant twat. He said that he knows something is basically broken inside him as he doesn't feel the same as I do about family, it would make no difference if everyone apart from the kids and I disappeared. I know I can't force him to care but is it too much to ask him to make a fucking effort? Can't he pretend for a couple of hours every 6 months if he actually loves me as much as he says? I said next time, if he really doesn't want to go then don't go but don't expect me to lie for him to save face, he can tell them himself.

To top it off we've all been invited out by my wee gran this Sunday ! So tge drama begins again. We don't normally have big family meals like this more than twice a year. Am I being unreasonable to want him to make an effort?

It's difficult.

I don't like big social gatherings and I always find it hard to socialise and put a "happy face" on if I don't feel comfortable. When I have to go to parties or big family events, I tend to hang around supervising the children or playing with the animals - I just don't feel comfortable in big groups with people I don't know or get on with.

He might be your partner but that doesn't mean he has to like or get on with your family, and it doesn't mean he has to like big social gatherings either.

I think he should make an effort, but at the same time, surely if you've known him for 18 years, you know he's always been like this, so YABU to expect him to change after all these years, really.

Yes can't argue that I've known how he is for a long time but I'd hoped he'd make more of an effort now that we had kids. I'm also waiting on them asking why Daddy isn't there or why they have to go when he doesn't. I wantt the kids to have the kids of upbringing I had and feel comfortable around their family. Shoud he not be expected to sbow an example..a good one I mean! 9

I can see both sides. I myself have a loving but very independent family and we are all scattered to the four winds so we don't see each other much at all (several years go by between visits).
My DH has a close family that get together at least 4-5 times a year despite the parents & siblings being 8 hours drive apart. I find it exhausting to make these trips so much. As much as I like my inlaws (they're great people actually), I'm not my true self around them and I don't expect I'll ever truly relax. They are very religious and conservative, I'm an atheist liberal and they've still somehow not realized my views on things after 5 years! I do prefer visiting them rather than the PILs visiting us though- that's more stressful as the burden for cooking and entertaining falls on me, my DH is somehow oblivious to the extra work their visits cause.
Anyway it's part of joining a family I suppose, but I totally get your OH to be honest.

OP what if he simply can't be different when he is with your family? His own experience is so different to yours that I suspect he finds meeting with your family overwhelming and very uncomfortable. He did at least attend the meal and spoke when spoken to. He may not have been very communicative but he did speak and he kept himself out of the way anyway by being with the kids.

I actually think you are BU here. If he didn't love you he would tell you to fuck off to the family do's by yourself and wouldn't give a monkeys what anyone said or thought but he actually made the effort to attend.

At the same time I can see your frustration that he can't just fake it for a few hours but if you loved him why would you want him to do something he so clearly doesn't enjoy?

Xena I get what you're saying but what frustrates me is that I know he can mix with other people, he does it every bloody day at work. My family are a pretty normal bunch , no loudmouths, no overbearing in your face types. I just don't see the problem. I'm tired of worrying about it so just said earlier that he'd have to let know asap so we could confirm the nos. If he really couldn't do it I'm not going to nag or be moody but I also wouldn't be lying to save his face. He said needs to think about it.

But maybe, OP, he's prepared to put on the other personality in order to earn money to do his bit to support his family.

I know what that's like. To be able to throw off the false me when not at work such a relief. I eventually quit because doing that every day made me ill.

I'm not wanting to always defend your DH just to fly in the face of your post, it's just my take.

As far as my IL's go, they all now live in Lanzarote - 5 of them, MIL, FIL, 2 SILs and DNephew. So if we see them, it's generally for 2 weeks once a year or maybe every other. Fortunately, DH gets my desire to have our own accommodation when we go there and unless there are specific plans, we don't see them till after lunch.

God, I'm feeling quite guilty now. I suppose I've just "expected" him to be like me and go with the flow. As I mentioned up thread, he has a lot of hobbies which he enjoys by himself or without the DCs and I and I totally get that he needs this time. He's a happier, calmer person when he's exercising, or doing whatever he wants to do. Because I'm so easy going with all thought I kind of expected to have a few credits in the bank iyswim.

Anyway, there's no bad atmosphere about this coming family get together, if he wants to go fair enough, if not fair enough. But I still don't think I should have to lie or come up with a stupid (and obviously untrue) excuse.

I had an ex like this. He liked my immediate family, but was suspicious of my wider family (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc) and any social occasion where the whole family was going to be together, he'd always leave it to the last minute to decide whether to go or not, and usually suddenly say he was ill, or not in the mood, or whatever. I was always having to make excuses for why he wasn't there. These family get-togethers were once, perhaps twice a year.

On the other hand, if I made any excuse for not going to one of his family celebrations (birthdays, mothers day, fathers day, Christmas, Boxing Day, Easter, bank holiday weekends) he would sulk at me for days. My mum has never made a big deal of mothers day, so I was never expected to go home for it, but god forbid I miss Mother's Day for HIS mum!

I hated, hated, hated the double standards of it. His family was so much more important than mine - to him, sure, but somehow they were also supposed to be more important to me, too.

No, I definitely wouldn't lie. If someone asks where he is, just say he's at home and move the conversation on. If they persist, you have a choice. You can say you don't know what he's doing and move on or say he's ... xyz ... and then move the conversation on. It is, quite frankly, no-one else's business what he does with his free time.

I find it a bit sad that you're perfectly happy putting your bloke through an experience you expect him to fake because you know he's uncomfortable.

Give him the compromise mentioned upthread.. go to some but not to all and let him off with this one coming up.

I am astounded that people don't think your DH should make an effort for something that is clearly very important to you twice a year!

It's not all about him or what he finds socially enjoyable, it's about supporting his DW on rare occasions by appreciating that these are people and events that are extremely important to her.
A less selfish person would make that sacrifice, frankly.

Yanbu he should make an effort at least. Why not go on your own that's what I would do

I do think it is hard for those who had great, large or very close families to actually understand that if you come from a dysfunctional, very small or not terribly close/warm family, family gatherings can be painful, difficult, awkward, uncomfortable (delete as appropriate).

And I also think it is hard for those who are naturally gregarious and outgoing to actually understand that if you are not naturally gregarious and outgoing (possibly but not necessarily due to the aforementioned family issues), any gathering where you are expected to socialise and be buoyant can be painful, difficult etc etc

OP, you don't have to lie or come up with an excuse. My DP doesn't really like going to my family dos either. I used to get upset about it but there came a point when I thought actually, it doesn't matter. So now when people say, "Where's DP?" I usually say that he is usually being his anti-social self. And actually, they have stopped asking now anyway as they have got used to him not being there.

Actually, thinking about this, he does come to the occasional non-negotiable gatherings and he does put an effort in when he is there.

I'm with the eggy one ^^ up there. Bloody hell. You're not asking him to pull out his own tooth.

Sorry but I think yabu. You are aware that he has a crap family himself and finds it hard and yet when he comes to your family do's it's still jot good enough.

By the sounds of it he wasn't rude, he spoke when he needed to and attended. He has made an effort.

If he finds these situations hard then having to fake it atwork is pprobably draining. Give him some credit and stop being a cow!

OP, you said: "Yes can't argue that I've known how he is for a long time but I'd hoped he'd make more of an effort now that we had kids."

Not everyone changes when they have kids, you know.

wheresthelight - "stop being a cow". Sorry but fuck off with that comment! How exactly am I being a cow by asking him to make an effort ? Unreasonable, yes possibly, but I really don't appreciate being called that.

He decided on Saturday night that he would go to the meal. I said if he really didn't want to go then he didn't have to but he said he'd go. And he seemed to enjoy himself (possibly because his sister wasn't there this time). Thanks for all the of the comments, made me realise that I've been taking a lot for granted because of my upbringing and not fully considering his.