How To Connest With StepDaughter After Seperation????

[rb512022]

Hi there....my wife after an 8 year relationship sadly said she was done. We were married for 3 years and we have 2 boys together 3 and 6 plus a 12yo girl from my wifes previous relationship.

I have always treated them exactly the same and love them all individually.....however the stepdaughter is exceptionally close to her mum as my wife brought her up on their own live on their own from when she was a baby until she was 4.

I moved out of the family home that I built for us 2 years ago as the atmosphere was getting ridiculous. She said either I left or she would.....She is now going to rent a house near her Dad and she moves in approx. early May.

We have made arrangments for shared custody so at the minute I have the kids every other weekend plus they stay Tuesdays......However during all these negotaiations / talks etc my wife only ever refers to "the boys"

She does not seem keen (although she would never admit this) for me to have my daughter over....She says the daughter is old enough to decide whether she wants to come over which I totally agree with.

So in the last 3 weeks I have only seen her a caouple of times and the only night magically she was vailable was when when wife was going out with her friends on a Saturday night.....This really peeved me off because all the other times I asked to see her she was unavailable she is when it suits my wife.

Over the last 3 days I have texted her to say on Sunday "Goodnight love Dad" - No reply - and also left her a voice mail on Monday saying I have the boys stopping over on Tuesday Night and obviously you are always invited - NO reply......plus I texted her on Tuesday morning inviting her again - No reply.........plus Tuesday Night "Goodnight hope you had a nice day xxx" - No reply

I am sure she is mixed up and upset with her parents splitting up. I probably don't really understand what she is going through, but I have reassured her a few weeks ago face to face saying " I love you , I will always be there for you if you need me, you are exactly the same to me as the 2 boys please believe me"

However over the years when me and my wife have fallen out I have been poked with the stick thst "she will never be your daughter"......ouch and I think this in time has crept into my stepdaughters head a little bit.

She thinks she is not as important to me as the boys but this feeling is fed a little bit by her mother......as she only ever talks about me "and the boys"

I love my wife and would do absolutely anything to get her back however I am just giving her 100% total space while I concentrate on looking after myself and more importantly my children (all 3 ideally)..I am trying to prepare myself that we will never get back together although this is terrible and I have spent quite a few mornings crying about it I can tell you. Each day so far is absolute AGONY!!!!!!!! I miss them all so much.

However in the meantime what do I do if anything about my stepdaughter. Does she need time to readjust ????Should I stop contacting her so much????? I just want to make her know she IS VERY important to me and I a have always treated her EXACTLY AS ONE OF MY OWN....Surely everyone needs a Dad but because she is so close to her Mum and maybe feels guilty about leaving her I just think I am going to lose her.

Can anyone help me.........thanks

Gordy I tried to ring her the other day but it went to answer....I left her a very cheery message saying it would be great to see her when she is ready blah blah blah........I am trying not to put any pressure on her

For the record however it comes across I am not really ANGRY with my ex at all........very sad and frustrated about the situation but not going to eat myself up with anger at all

Of course I will give her time as much as she needs.....I love her and miss her

Ok but it's been 3 weeks and she did want to see you the 2nd week in. You said no. I accept you were away but to a 12 year old it might not be as black and white as that.

Could you try and arrange a sit down with your step daughter. Organise something for just the 2 of you like a meal out. At 12 a lot of girls are caught between acting like a child but wanting to be treated like a young adult. Stop with the texts and pick up the phone or go round to the house to organise it with her directly.

then you have to wait it out - keep phoning, keep leaving messages - let her have space x

Meep for the record and sorry for any confusion

Me and her Mum have known each other for 10 years

The first 2 years we just fooled around and were not that serious . We were both in our early 30's had our own lives and houses etc.....Very embaressing I know

However 8 years ago I had a lightbulb moment and just manned up. I told her I did not want to continue as we were and wanted to get serious. From that days forward everything just changed. We started making PROPER grown up plans, bought a house together, planned a family the full 9 yards......it was great

And if she says no. Accept it, try again in a couple of weeks.

It will take time.

Meep I am thinking about asking her to go out Friday night now that I don't have my 2 boys until Sat / Sun.

Yeh going to send a text in a minute....no pressure

Quietly......no legal status at all........just been in her life for 10 years

You are right I totally get it........It will only continue if her mum encourages it.......Her mum is probably just a bit scared of losing some kind of power / influence over her and thinks she will lose her.........which is not the case at all

However as she has 2 young brothers who are in the mix I just desperately wanted to keep the 3 of us together rather than going our separate ways ....I thought everyone needed a Dad?

DON'T TEXT!!

Phone her, leave a message and if you don't get a response try the house phone when she's likely to be home. If you still don't get to speak to her THEN text.

And also everyone doesn't need a Dad. There are plenty children being raised by single mothers just fine, just for the record.

I presume she doesn't see her biological father?

She is 12 in all the years I have known her she hardly ever answers he phone

She only does text and facebook

Yes she sees him for 4 hours on a Saturday every 6 weeks.....He lives away.....She is not close to him at all and does not look forward to him coming up that much....

He is way older than me and her mum and does not have much in common at all.

Saying that he is a really nice fella and I think he does email and text etc so it must be confusing for her......She is now staring down the barrel of 2 dads etc and who knows maybe another on the way.

Its hard for me to understand whats going in her mind......My mum and dad are still together

So she has a Dad. She has you too. She is also old enough to make her own decisions. By all means try to maintain a relationship buy you have to respect her choices.

The comment regarding possibly another on the way sounds bitter and I'm hoping you don't say thing like that in RL to anyone involved in this situation.

Look I am not bitter...........I would never mention anything like that to her although I do feel for her and ANY kid who has to go through a succession of different parents

Like I said I am very lucky......had the same man and dad all the way through.......I don't know any different

I just want to be there for her..............and I intend to be, but just if she wants to ................I wont push it