Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Seperated Wife Changing Visit Times

18 replies

rb512022 · 03/04/2014 08:17

Been together for 10 years married for 3. We have 3 kids, 12yo (my stepdaughter) plus our 2 boys 6yo & 2yo.

A month or so ago she told me she was done with the relationship. We clashed and fell out on how to bring up the kids....She said I leave or she leaves so 3 weeks ago I moved out to my parents and get a house to rent in about 4 weeks time. The boys now have their stopovers at my parents house.

My wife is also moving to a new house to rent and we are going to to sell the house...I am totally and utterly devastated by what she wants....I llove her to bits and want her back badly so in the meantime I am giving her 100% space to be on her own etc

However its agreed that they stop with me alternate Friday / Sat night and every Tuesday night.

I have them this weekend (the boys only usually as the 12yo girl is glued to her mum........but I really miss her) and Its agreed I drop them off at midday Sunday. However she emailed me last night and wants to take the daughter to a gymnastic event all day Sunday 60miles away (she has known about this for weeks) and tells me could I also have them to stop on Sunday as she will be back too late.....Obviously what she does not admit is that it is a major hassle to take 2 young boys to an event like this as you just sit around for hours.

I cant really ask my parents for them to stop yet another night on the sunday as they are doing enough for me anyway....plus I get them on Tuesday anyway......so they would be with me Fris, Sat, Sun back to Mum for 1 night then Back with me for Tuesday (not ideal for the kids imho)

Her wanting to change things late on just makes me feel strange inside my stomach I don't know why as I am finding this whole process even these kind o decisions very difficult.....I am stuck between not been used as a doormat whenever something crops up and also wanting to see the kids and have a set routine for them....Am I overreacting here??

Where its coming from is that I have made lots of attempts for my stepdaughter to stay over the last few weeks since we have been seperated but she is always "unavailable" however when my wife was going up the town on a Saturday night 2 weeks ago she said the daughter "wanted" to stay with me that night.......very convenient

I just need some guidance on how best to approach these sort of niggles.....I love my wife and would love to reconcile more than anything in the world. I am however preparing my head that this is not going to happen.

But If I turned her down for this Sunday I am scared she is going to feel that I am been awkward and in some strange way push her further away from me....

Sorry this is probably a really minor issue but its just so raw at the moment and I am overthinking everything

OP posts:

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 03/04/2014 08:25

So... you're upset that's she's offering you more time with your children?

Sorry, I'm confused. If it doesn't work for you/previous commitments I'm sure she'll organise something. But I admit I think the fact you view this as a negative is very strange to me. You seem to be viewing it as your ex wanting to use you as a 'babysitter' for your own children rather than offering you more time with them?

meditrina · 03/04/2014 08:27

If this event was known about for ages, do you mean it was on the calendar before you moved out and so you also forgot about it - totally understandable given wha has happened in the last few weeks.

As you are only going to be at your parents for 4 weeks, then I think asking for the extra nights for your DC is totally reasonable. unless there are major problems in the relationship with your parents, they will surely see this is an unusual time that merits extra tolerance?

And yes, flexibility is good. You need to find productive ways of communicating the adc's admin with your ex - start with a reminder of anything else at might already be booked for the, and a means for adding all weekend events in a timely fashion, so you can avoid double bookings and anticipate the times when you need to put the DC first and change the routine.

Thegreatunslept · 03/04/2014 08:29

Why not suggest justsat and sun stop over so the children are not at ur parents house just as much but you still get to spend time with them.

Foxeym · 03/04/2014 08:40

To be honest these things happen, my eldest DC's father and I are seperated and although the arrangement is he has them every weds and every other weekend if something comes up for either of us we are both quite relaxed to change things about to suit. It's not easy, especially in the beginning (he left me for someone else, a complete surprise for me) but I didn't want the DC's to suffer for my anger and upset as it's important for them to maintain a relationship with him regardless of what's happened between us

ICanSeeTheSun · 03/04/2014 08:48

If you was living at home, would you have refused to have them.

InAGrump · 03/04/2014 08:51

You both need to be flexible to make it work. Take them.

OwlCapone · 03/04/2014 08:52

Do you realise how hard it is to juggle the needs/wants of three children with only one adult?

Tabliope · 03/04/2014 09:25

So have them on the Sunday night but not on the Tuesday that week. Also the 12 year old might be feeling a bit more torn in two as she's older than the boys. Doesn't matter if it was convenient she came the Saturday night your wife went out. Just take any time you can with the kids. You're definitely overthinking it. Hopefully it'll get into more of a routine when you get your own place but remember there'll be times over the years too when you might need to swap a day or weekend so don't be awkward for no reason now.

AnnieOats · 03/04/2014 09:35

Until you're both settled in your new houses I would just go with the flow. At the beginning exh and I had teething problems but eventually it sorted itself out and we now have a set routine but do swap and change when needed.

I would just see how things pan out in the future and even if you're being used at the moment there's plenty of time to knock this on the head later. Just take advantage of the fact that you're getting to see your DCs more.

I know you say that you don't want to ask your parents about another night but they may not mind too much as they get to see their GDCs more and know that it's only going to be for a little while until you get your own place.

Original poster

rb512022 · 03/04/2014 09:38

Thanks guys for your valued advice.....

My heads all over the place........I just miss my wife, kids and family set up like crazy

I know I am not thinking totally straight so I wanted to put it out there as I don't want to get on her wrong side etc.

However if you were in the heated discussion a few weeks ago when we were discussing custdy visits etc when SHE INSISTED

"NO WAY CAN YOU HAVE 50% JOINT PHYSICAL CUSTODY" - Even though that's what I am capable of doing...I am self employed

"NO WAY CAN YOU HAVE THEM STAY OVER FRI, SAT & SUN AS THIS IS FAR TOO LONG FOR THEM TO BE AWAY FROM THEIR MOTHER.......Now when it suits her is fine!!!!!

Ok maybe been a bit petty but when I was having to bow down to seeing the kids on HER terms its just gnaws away at me a tad how when she wants it changed its fine

OP posts:

Aventurine · 03/04/2014 09:39

It makes sense for you to have the boys so they dont have to sit around bored at the gym event doesn't it?

WilsonFrickett · 03/04/2014 09:44

I completely understand why you're doing it, but you are being petty. It's not about 'her' terms, its about what is best for the DCs and I think you know the two boys would be bored out of their heads at a gymnastics event, so the best solution is for you to take them.

You need to stop trying to control your X's actions, read up a bit more about current case law (it's not about custody any more, for example), get to mediation and get things on a more formal footing.

I'm honestly not having a pop, I know it feels like the rug has been pulled from under your feet and you feel very out of control, but seeking control by being petty isn't the way forward.

Original poster

rb512022 · 03/04/2014 10:34

Point taken guys.......that's why I am using this forum as I just want to do the right thing.....several heads are better than one.

I have just emailed her back and said its fine. I suggested that I put back their 2 night visit to Saturday and Sunday night.....instead of Fri / Sat

So hopefully she will be happy and as you say its probably better for the kids

OP posts:

Original poster

rb512022 · 03/04/2014 10:40

I have also started a thread on how do I connect with my 12yo stepdaughter after the separation with my wife.....Its a really difficult subject for me and I don't really know what to do for the best......

If anyone has any advice or first hand experience I would really appreciate your advice

Thanks

OP posts:

aermingers · 03/04/2014 10:47

Sorry. It sounds really tit for tat. 'She did this so I'm doing that to get back at her'. This is the worst thing to do from the children's point of view. What's best for them should be the deciding factor , not games between you two.

In this case the girl wants to go to the event and it is unsuitable for the boys. Therefore the best thing to do is take the boys in the interests of your stepdaughter so she can go to an event she has presumably worked hard for.

LokiTheCynicalCat · 03/04/2014 11:15

To not lose contact with your stepdaughter will be tricky. She doesn't want to come along at the moment if she is glued to her mum, but keep the door open for her and don't get disheartened by rejection. If you are doing something special with the boys that you know she would enjoy too, make sure to specifically extend the invite to her too each time. She may be sticking to her mum as her comfort zone now, but start to feel left out later, and a consistently repeated express offer on the table will be easier to accept for the child if she changes her mind, than for her to speak up later and try to change the status quo that has by then arisen out of habit.

Be willing to see the children as much as you can, even if you suspect you are being asked at your ex's convenience rather than for their or your benefit. If you have them with you, it WILL be for your/their benefit in the end, regardless of your ex's original motivation for asking.

WilsonFrickett · 03/04/2014 11:18

It's the same thing for your SDD - you have to let it be on her terms. You can't control or dictate the pace. Keep the door open, keep offering contact and invites. Text her often - just to say hi or share a joke or something. Make sure you are unrelentingly positive about her mother.

meditrina · 03/04/2014 11:35

It's only been three weeks.

Has the 12 yo been doing her normal stuff, or have things been deliberately altered so she is "unavailable"? How often do you speak to her on the phone? Can you see her round one of her regular events (between school and a gym class perhaps?) It's very early days; everyone is confusing and feeling their way to a certain extent.

Flip