Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To consider these huge red flags and cut contact?

30 replies

Anonynony · 03/04/2014 00:47

I'm going to keep this as short as possible.

Basically I am one of those people that rightly or wrongly is super aware and worried about potential child abusers etc. Not in such a way that I've ever outwardly suspected anyone but I'm very protective for this reason.
I've recently been getting to know someone and in that time he has let slip two things that have now seriously made me think I should not continue with a friendship/relationship. Though I fear I could be over reacting given my paranoia. One is that in an old job something was found that somehow could have been perceived as child porn but it was just a joke email and no charges were brought. The second is that when he was younger he was accused of abusing a younger female relative but it was all swept under the carpet and only happened because the accusers mother had a mental illness. Though he isn't in contact with any of his living family

I probably won't update with any extra info but I basically want to know is my reaction to run away reasonable or am I being paranoid and weird?

OP posts:

Menolly · 03/04/2014 00:56

I think you'd be reasonable to keep your distance, that would worry me too.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 03/04/2014 01:00

Run and do it fast

ThisLittlePiggyStayedHome · 03/04/2014 01:00

You're not being paranoid and weird, not at all.

It's possible he's been that unlucky, twice. But you don't owe him the benefit of the doubt at the expense of your own discomfort at having him in your life. If I were you, I'd heed my instincts.

Maybe he was being honest and sharing genuine experiences with you. Maybe he was anticipating questions that might come up later (what if you google him and find something out about his last job, or start to wonder why his family aren't in contact?) and trying to give you a narrative in advance to explain those things away. Maybe he was testing the waters to see how vigilant you'd be about these things, or whether you'd assure him that you'd never think he'd be capable of anything untoward. Maybe the thing on his work computer was a joke, and he's just the kind of asshole who thinks that jokes about child abuse are funny.

I don't think I'd be curious enough to hang around and find out.

Suefla62 · 03/04/2014 01:15

If you're only recently getting to know him, I would cut ties and run. Not worth the risk.

rabbitlady · 03/04/2014 01:45

get the heck away from the creep. he's grooming you.

MiniSoksMakeHardWork · 03/04/2014 02:03

Have you tried googling him? One of my friends googled a friend of hers as she had suspicions of his story of being convicted of child porn possession. News reports of his court case said there was a lot of damning evidence to say he was guilty of creating it and passing it on. He was placed on the sex offenders register for life.

Naturally friend has cut all contact to protect her children. Said ex friend had access to all her dc's pictures on fb and she was concerned he may attempt to use them as he was minimising what was reported.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/04/2014 06:01

The thing that would concern me most is the no contact with family.

ICanSeeTheSun · 03/04/2014 06:37

I have 2 DC and there would be no way I would continue with a relationship even if it was the 1 accusation of abuse.

MammaTJ · 03/04/2014 06:40

I agree with testing, that him not having contact with his family is a major concern.

Poppanicolino · 03/04/2014 06:43

There's no way I would continue any contact with him.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 03/04/2014 06:43

So not 2 red flags, but 3.

Get those trainers on. And go fast.

areallady · 03/04/2014 06:54

You could use Sarah's Law - child sex offenders disclosure scheme to check if he has been convicted previously - that's if you are in England or Wales. In Scotland the scheme is called. Keeping Children Safe

Comeatmefam · 03/04/2014 07:13

YANBU - and by the way, why date or stay friends with anyone you feel uneasy about even without these red flags? Trust your instincts and be more confident in yourself. You can cut contact with anyone you like for whatever reason you like, you don't need permission from strangers or rock solid reasons.

AnyFucker · 03/04/2014 07:17

You don't owe this bloke a friendship/relationship

he is testing you

don't "pass" the test, drop him like the hot potato he potentially is

and if he isn't, nothing lost

ICanSeeTheSun · 03/04/2014 08:53

The thing that would concern me most is the no contact with family.

Why is that.

Birdsgottafly · 03/04/2014 09:10

I know lots of people bought up in abusive families, who have had to cut contact, also Care Leavers etc.

This idea that you should have family, or you are odd, is what makes cutting contact, difficult, when it is the right thing to do.

However, I would want a full explanation of the incident of "jokey child porn"!

As said, you don't owe this man (or any other man) anything, so trust your instincts.

Callani · 03/04/2014 10:45

Having no contact with family is not an issue on it's own, but in combination with having being accused of abusing a younger female relative then that's a third red flag to me and suggests that his family have cut him off rather than vice versa.

These are not minor red flags, they're huge bloody sails - OP I'd heed your instincts and run.

43percentburnt · 03/04/2014 11:00

Run to the hills. I agree with pp, he is testing you. Run run run.

Marcipex · 03/04/2014 11:08

Run, fast, don't wait.

littlewhitebag · 03/04/2014 11:12

I assume you have young children? Some men target vulnerable women with children with the intention of grooming them. I would be very alert to any signs he is doing this. I agree that you need to ask more questions about both incidents he has spoken about. If you have any concerns then run for your life.

aworkingmummy · 03/04/2014 11:18

I wouldn't even bother asking questions - I'd cut all contact and run for the hills! Not worth the risk - ever.

fuxache · 03/04/2014 12:01

Listen to what he is telling you.

He is warning you.

Keep away from him.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 03/04/2014 12:04

He sounds dangerous. I don't think you're overreacting at all.

NigellasDealer · 03/04/2014 12:06

drop like a hot potato

meditrina · 03/04/2014 12:28

I'd find these red flags. The police aren't called in (leading to charges being considered) for "joke" emails, no matter how tasteless. Do you know any of his colleagues from that time?

As he is no longer in touch with his family, then there is no-one who can tell you about the events concerning the young relative (or even tell you exactly how young).

Have you met anyone who has known him over the years?

Flip

1 2