To not want to be like my mum?

[MrsDrRanj]

I keep seeing and hearing people saying how a woman is destined to turn out like their mother, especially when they themselves become a mum.

I am fairly close with my mum these days, and she often tells me that I will be like her, just like he is like her mother, and I 'can't fight it in the end'.

I love my mum, but my childhood was mostly miserable. She gave me complexes about being fat (I wasn't) and having a huge head (I didn't, she did). She struggled to ever say anything encouraging to me, never told me she loved me and the little girl I used to be who loved to sing and act has disappeared because she would tell me to 'stop showing off' and make me feel embarrassed to be who I was.

I have a DS now who is 2, and I am terrified of doing the same to him. I know I have made conscious decisions to do some things differently, I make sure I tell him I love him every single day. But I must admit sometimes things come out of my mouth and I do hear my mum. I'm working to fight against it, but am I just delaying the inevitable? Do we all just turn into our parents no matter how much we dislike them?

I obviously have no other example to look to that taught me how to be a mother. Sometimes I worry that if I'm going to be like her my DS is better off without me and should live with his dad. I love him so so much I don't want to crush the beautiful little person that he is.

If you are thinking like this then you are nothing like your mum already ! I think as long as you are aware of the behaviours that you do not want to emulate then you can take steps to not becoming like that
If we all turned out exactly like our parents then my DH would be a drunk and I would be a bitter twisted woman and we are not
Please don't think you have to send your son away. You sound like a lovely mum and don't let your history destroy your future with your son

You are you, not your mum!

In fact you are in a position to be an even better mum than a good mum, because you know how it feels to have a crappy mum and the damage it can do.

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Have you considered counselling to deal with your childhood and your feelings around it? It's understandable to have some worries as a parent but being terrified and considering giving up custody of your child is extreme. The fact that you are so loving and concerned for his feelings shows you are nothing like your mother.

Thank you for comments

I am currently on a waiting list for counselling as I do have unresolved issues and my mother accounts for a lot of them!

It just really bothers me when people (usually friends of hers) tell me how I'm so much like her. And comments like oh we all turn into our mum etc. Makes me worry :(

I often worry about this. But as Ellishand says if you are thinking about this then you won't if you keep an eye out for certain behaviours.

In my case, my children get lots of hugs and kisses. I tell them I love them everyday. I will never make negative comments on their appearance.

Sometimes I hear myself saying something my mother did or find myself behaving in a similar way. I show myself a mental stop sign and think about why I am saying/doing something and try to think of a different way.

Eight years in and I (mostly) havent turned into my mother yet.