Why would you withhold info about diagnosis/prognosis?

[PloptheBarnOwl]

My mum is moving house, and clearing out decades' worth of stuff. She's just given me my dad's diaries- my dad died several years ago, and the diaries date from long before he met my mum.

My dad was very close to his mother, and the diaries stop in mid-1972, the day after he was told of her terminal cancer. It is heartbreaking to read. The saddest part is that my dad was told that his mother had terminal cancer and had less than a year to live, but she was not told. He writes that he was told privately by her doctor, who instructed him not to tell her. He doesn't seem surprised by this. I've seen this in the plots of old films, but am shocked it happened to someone I love. HOW can people have thought this was acceptable, or the "kindest" thing to do? My dad's final diary entry starts "The duplicity is going to be very hard to maintain, but I must do it, and Mother must not know".

This seems to cruel, and unimaginable. It must have made things so much harder for my dad and his.mother if they couldn't grieve together.

Why did people do this? I can't get my head around it at all.

My FIL was diagnosed with a rare form of dementia that is incurable and fatal within five yeaRs. The consultant told MIL and suggested / advised she keep it secret from FIL.

Aside from the moral implications of this (seems totally wrong to me), one of the main problems with this is that the consultant didn't know MIL at all. She could not cope with this pressure, handled everything in a very odd way - who could blame her - and we are still suffering the fallout now, including her and FIL's relationship.

This was five years ago. Happily FIL was re diagnosed with a less serious (although still pretty awful) disease. Eventually the GP persuaded MIL and the consultant to tell him his original prognosis before the rediagnosis but it was all handled very very very VERY badly.

If I discover anyone has done this to me, I will kill myself sooner than need be.

When I'm debilitated, dependent and in pain, then owning my own mind, life and rather crap body are all that's left that make me human.

If you take that away, I'm just a warehoused pet. You've already destroyed the bit of me that matters.

MY mil died in 2001 she had various health problems and was not really Lucid( is that the right word) dh and his brother were told she was not going to live as the pneumonia had taken hold, Mil was talking etc but they didn't think she would understand or manage the news, (who can manage news that you are dying) it was for the best really, perhaps that is what they thought with your grandmother, My neighbour died of breastcancer she was in her late 80s she didn't know either she had early dementia

My grandad recently died from pulmonary fibrosis. He was told by the consultant last September that he was in the final 6 months of his life-he handled it really well. He had the chance to make decisions about his death and get all his affairs in order, though he still found it difficult to talk of his funeral.
He still lived his life as well as he could until about 3 weeks before his death, roughly the time that his will and paperwork was tied up, when he took to his bed and he never left it after that. I remember the GP coming out to see him as we thought he was being stubborn and a visit from the doctor might shift him but the GP told me that whilst he might not consciously know his body was shutting down, he had made peace with himself about dying and death wasn't far off.
By knowing his prognosis he got to make decisions of how he wanted things done and as a family we were able to help him do that-he ultimately had the death that he wanted given his circumstances, which Im sure in an ideal world thats all any of us want

The idea that patients should be informed about their choices and should consent to procedures (along with the right to refuse consent) is a very recent one in medical ethics. It began in the US and has become the dominant paradigm in the UK and other countries however it is still quite a different matter in other countries.

In Greece, for example, a paternalistic approach, according to which the doctor knows best and makes decisions without the patient's knowldge is still very much prevalent. Patients are considered to be too fragile and vulnerable to be informed about their health. Families will generally be kept informed but decisions are made by medical professionals. My grandmother passed away last year without knowing she had cancer, her sister passed away similarly ignorant, and a colleague of my mum's at work went through chemo for a couple of years and unfortunately died without a cancer diagnosis ever being discussed with him (of course you assume that in this last case the man must have known at some level what was going on, but the secret was kept my all his doctors, family and friends).

Other countries have a mixed approach. For example, in France there is lip service to consent, but in reality doctors made most medical decisions and there is no legal right to refuse emergency treatment, e.g. Jehovah's Witnesses have been forced to have blood transfusions unlike the US and UK where the refusal is respected even if it risks death.

My Granddad died in 1966 of stomach cancer. He knew he had cancer but he wasn't told it was terminal. My Nan was told not to tell him and let him carry on as normal for as long as possible. She actually had to go to his boss and tell them so they wouldn't send him on long trips anymore and they had to make up a pretend reason for changing his job. When the end was approaching he did know, but not for the year prior to that. I think it was a terrible burden for my Nan and my mum who was just 19 when he died.

I think I would want to know. That way I could make plans, have final discussions, may be write letters to my children and grandchildren if I had any etc. If I was well enough there might be something I'd always wanted to go and do and I would make sure that I went and did it.