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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this was bloody stupid? (Facebook related, sorry.)

52 replies

JustAboutAdeqeuate · 01/04/2014 20:53

I'll say first of all, I'm normally a big fan of Facebook. I use it to keep up with far away family and friends. I also have a fair few 'facebook friends' that I knew from school, uni & a few other places that I like but am not exactly close to.

I'm 27 weeks pregnant and for various reasons have made no mention of it on fb whatsoever. Not all my fb friends actually know I'm pregnant. So AIBU to be pissed off at someone (very close to DH but not me) posted on my wall for all to see "so where's all the pictures of your baby bump?" They've obviously noticed I'm keeping my pregnancy off FB, so surely they could have been a bit bloody discreet about wondering why?

OP posts:
Original poster
JustAboutAdeqeuate · 01/04/2014 22:13

Grin at the idea that I need to chill out. Trust me, I'm chilled.

I do think there's a huge difference between keeping a secret, and not wanting attention to be drawn to it on the Internet. I'm not going to go into my reasons why, I don't think they're relevant here.

Fair enough that the person probably hadn't realised I'd not made any pregnancy related posts at all, they obviously noticed I hadn't posted any pictures (since that was what he was saying) but I guess they hadn't noticed the lack of posts and so it didn't occur to him I wouldn't want others posting. I really don't expect people to be hanging off my (usually quite banal!) words.

OP posts:
ICanSeeTheSun · 01/04/2014 22:14

Yanbu.

It was bad enough on DS when I bumped into people saying oh haven't you had the baby yet, not long ect with out it happening online as well.

I did put on FB about DD (2nd baby) but that is when I worked all the security settings.

CumberCookie · 01/04/2014 22:24

Just tell her you're not doing that because its really tacky.

CountessOfRule · 01/04/2014 22:32

That would be annoying.

I kept my last pgy off FB. Change your settings so people can't post on your wall, block tagging and get notifications of comments on your posts.

MostWicked · 01/04/2014 22:50

How are people supposed to know that you don't want people on Facebook knowing when it clearly isn't a secret in real life?
Maybe you need to put some of your fb friends on restricted profile and review posts to your timeline.

Alisvolatpropiis · 01/04/2014 22:53

Whilst I don't think you're being terribly unreasonable not to mention it on Facebook, you are being rather unreasonable to expect people to realise you're deliberately not discussing your pregnancy.

Supercosy · 01/04/2014 23:15

Oh dear, I did something like that, entirely unintentionally a few weeks ago. It wasn't over some as personal as a pregnancy but I effectively posted a spoiler to a huge event that a friend of mine in the States was involved in. Like a fool I forgot there was a time difference so when I was watching it here most of them were in bed so I basically ruined it for him by anouncing it to his friends before he was able to. I felt absolutely horrible about it and apologised profusely, he was fine about it and laughed it off. Still cringing just thinking about it though. I think it's very unlikely that your friend didn't mean to upset you.

Supercosy · 01/04/2014 23:17

Sorry, I obviously mean it's unlikely they meant to upset you!

thebody · 01/04/2014 23:24

I think if you are that private a person then fb isn't the place for you really.

it's an announcement platform for sharing news and gossip! that's what people do on there.

Eyelet · 01/04/2014 23:29

If OP is 27weeks then I hope very much she has kore than a few weeks to go as a pp said upthread.

op YAsoNBU. I kept my pregnancy a secret from Facebook until baby was in my arms, I had several hundred "what!?" Comments and also lost some friends who were offended they hadn't known in advance. But truth be told it was just utterly necessary forwme to not have to face inane well meaning commentaries.

Best of luck for a safe and peaceful arrival :-)

OsMalleytheCat · 01/04/2014 23:35

YANBU

I kept anything pg related off FB and there are no pictures of DC or anything relating to him at all, couldn't really give a clear logical reason as to why, I think I just feel that we have become a nation of oversharers, and I'll gladly keep all baby photos if me in an album at my mums! DC can decide to do the same if he wishes when he's older!

However I don't think it was deliberate of said friend to "out" your pregnancy, so try not to be too cross!

Congratulations and good luck x

brokenhearted55a · 01/04/2014 23:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Robfordscrack · 01/04/2014 23:55

Yabvvvu. Why didn't you say it was a secret?

everlong · 02/04/2014 07:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saintlyjimjams · 02/04/2014 07:11

A lot of people use Facebook for conversations & two way interaction. Not just announcements.

If you don't want two way stuff then change your settings so that no-one can post on your wall.

I do find it slightly odd when people want to control how an announcement is made to every single member of their family. If you tell someone the word tends to get out - whether on FB or through people talking to each other. For something like a birth announcement it tends to be because the other person is pleased/excited/interested.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 02/04/2014 07:13

YANBU to be disappointed. I am always careful to never mention things unless I can see they're already public. It was a boring message he could have sent to you privately anyway!

Justagirlintheworld · 02/04/2014 07:36

I kept my pregnancy off of FB as I had had 3 prior miscarriages and I didn't want to jinx it. I also had quite a lot of friends that were ttc and in the same position as me and although you're happy for people when they announce their pregnancies, it makes you feel like a fuck up at the same time. I didn't want to make anybody feel like that.

Sparrowlegs248 · 02/04/2014 07:48

I think i'd be a bit miffed if it happened to me but surely by 27 weeks people will know anyway?

Saying that, a friend posted her pregnancy announcement. There were loads of congrats messages. Poss even a scan picture. Several months later she posted a pic of herself, and i commented 'still looking tiny - no visable bump!' or something which she deleted then messaged me that not everyone knew. Fair enough, I wasn't offended but it was a bit odd......

Stinkyminkymoo · 02/04/2014 08:11

I pretty much kept my pregnancy off fb, I just didn't want it plastered all over the place.

A friend posted a picture of us out on our last ride together when I was 7 months and that's when most people found out I was pregnant and still riding my horse to their horror

I didn't really care but some of the comments about me riding pissed me off. Hmm

whitepuddingsupper · 02/04/2014 09:09

If OP is 27weeks then I hope very much she has kore than a few weeks to go as a pp said upthread

Another 10 weeks and she could have a full term baby, not long in the grand scheme of things or even pregnancy.

differentnameforthis · 02/04/2014 09:17

I don't think they have "obviously noticed" that you are keeping it off fb!

I also don't think it was bloody stupid of them to post.

ebwy · 02/04/2014 09:40

I kept my pregnancy with my eldest secret, only family and my support group knew. I was paranoid ( reasons for that are irrelevant)

I planned on telling everyone once he was born, and since I didn't see any of them throughout the pregnancy wasn't ' found out' that way. my brother ( who has only seen my eldest twice in 3 and a half years, so not a close, over- excited uncle) announced on his fb while I was still in hospital and not on my fb. instead of messages of surprised congratulations, I got texts having a go at me for not telling, people offended I "let" him tell rather than doing it myself (errr how? Was skint, no phone credit and in hospital for 10 days after), and 2 who phoned me to tell me not to bother again and that I am a bitch. (no great loss there!)

That was why I was VERY fb-public about my second child, he still made an announcement but I'd primed both my fiance and my housemate to announce on my fb before my brother could. The baby is 18 months old and has yet to meet him btw... Yeah, he was so excited :-/

Claryrocks · 02/04/2014 09:53

To be honest I think if you use FB you can't expect to be able to police what people say on it. I would be upset too if I was trying to keep it secret but people use it differently and it's not like you are early on in pregnancy (but understand why you don't want to tell people) I announced my third preg and was a bit annoyed that a couple of friends made it obvious they'd known before the scan (They'd guessed!) and they knew before inlaws - who are on FB. Awkward!! But having said that I posted it and so accepted it was as much my fault for using that medium in general. I don't tend to have general acquaintances as friends for that reason.

wannaBe · 02/04/2014 11:28

I think the notion of putting pictures of bumps and such on fb is odd, and endless discussion of pregnancy either on or off of facebook is tedious. A fellow school mum talked endlessly about her pg on fb to the point that most people hid her updates so they didn't have to read them (I wasn't one of them) But when her baby was born he was seriously ill and rushed into scbu and nearly died, and of course she put it on fb. But because so many people had hidden her updates, they had no idea. I remember mentioning to someone in the playground that it looked touch and go for her ds and she was completely oblivious.

Having said that, it's unreasonable to expect that anyone would consider discussion of a 27 week pregnancy off limits - even on fb. The idea that you wouldn't want people to know you were pregnant is frankly odd, and I would wonder if it was because you were going to put the baby up for adoption or something that you wouldn't want people to know. After all, it's one thing to not be into status updates on pregnancy or wanting to put up pictures of your scan/bump, it's quite another to expect people who know about your pregnancy to think that it should be kept secret.

And presumably you won't be expecting people to be happy for you when the baby is born - after all why should they be? If the pregnancy is not worth talking about then IMO neither is the baby...

UrethraFranklin · 02/04/2014 20:18

wannaBe there are many reasons to keep a pregnancy off Facebook - this doesn't mean the baby isn't worth talking about Hmm

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