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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not tell her?

47 replies

curiousgeorgie · 01/04/2014 15:14

I don't want this to be identifiable so am going to change a few details.

I'm completely torn. My best friend was with her boyfriend for 9 years. They bought a house, got engaged, were deep into wedding planning and she started to have 2nd thoughts.

She asked him for a little bit of space and stayed with me for 3 weeks, it was very confusing but no one else was involved (as she didn't leave my side the entire time, I'm positive about this.

She decided she was being ridiculous and had just panicked, did love her DP and decided to go home. I went with her as she wanted to sort the house, make dinner etc and surprise him with a 'kind of' apology meal and get things back on track. She said it was the stress of the massive wedding she felt she was being forced to plan, and the pressure about having kids he was putting on her.

We arrived at her house and it was a sty. Her DP's laptop was open and on Plenty Of Fish, with his photo as the profile picture, so hard to miss. We (rightly or wrongly) looked at his profile, where he said he was single and looking for fun. He had deleted all recent conversations.

While cleaning up, we also found his phone bill, which was sky high, all calls and texts to the same mobile number at an alarming quantity... But dating further back than when she had left for her 'break'.

We called the number and a female answered, and I asked her who she was (at my friends insistence, as I thought the best thing to do would be call and confront DP but she was getting really upset) and she asked if I was best friend and (with her nodding) I said yes. The woman told to that I should just ask him and put the phone down.

Her DP came back and had obviously heard from the woman as he was totally defensive. He had a go at her for calling, they had a screaming row that went nowhere and she wanted to leave so came back to mine.

They had a conversation later where he said he had started something a week after she left and it was new, before that, they were just friends that met online and swore blind nothing had happened. He broke up with BF and they sold their house via email only, no conversations.

My friend has been destroyed. It's been very hard for her but she recently met someone amazing and is very happy.

Another friend of mine is on Plenty Of Fish and has just discovered something. ExP new girlfriend has an old profile on there, that she updated a few months after the break up saying 'I thought I would update to tell you, I found love, you can too. We've been together over a year now and he's amazing.' And goes on to tell the entire story of my BF's relationship & breakup, including untrue details such as her cheating on him and him never loving her. It also proves what my friend really wanted to know all along, that he had been cheating for a long time and she was right to take a break to decide if she should marry him. She's blamed herself this whole time, that she lost him because of those 3 weeks.

But on the other hand... It's been a long road of upset and devastation and she's finally out the other side, so maybe I should just let sleeping dogs lie and not tell her.

WWYD??

OP posts:

Rexandralpf · 01/04/2014 19:52

Yes tell BF but I would also inform the other woman that her story isn't correct. BF's ex lied and told BF that he only started seeing her after the break, that he had regularly told BF he loved her and BF had never cheated. Only ex had.

zeezeek · 01/04/2014 20:46

I'm sorry, but things like this always turn out bad for the messenger. Not interfering in other people's relationships (unless it is a case of abuse) is generally the best policy.

But then you must use your judgement. If you think there's a chance it will cause problems in her new relationship (trust issues, whatever) then why rock the boat. But then, if she's beating herself up about it....or, if, when she does this next, you point out that she had a bad feeling and that's why she left in the first place and she must have suspected that something was wrong when you found his profile....tell her to trust her judgement.

Not really helping, am I?

Topaz25 · 01/04/2014 21:01

I'd want to know but I have a tendency to second guess myself, so I would find it helpful to know my ex really was an ass so I wouldn't wonder if things could have worked out. Even if she has moved on, I'm sure she will sometimes think about the relationship and it might affect her future relationships. If she blames herself for taking the break it might be helpful to know he was already cheating.

OTOH if she finds out her ex's new girlfriend is lying about her online, especially if she is identifiable, she may be tempted to confront her, which will lead to more drama.

Topaz25 · 01/04/2014 21:02

Only you know how your friend will react.

theimposter · 01/04/2014 21:06

I'd tell her. I found out a year or two after my ex left the real reason why he did. It put the jigsaw pieces into place and allowed me to finally write off that part of my life.

Coldlightofday · 01/04/2014 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Simplesusan · 01/04/2014 21:13

I would tell her it will help to give her closure and confirm to her that she was right to split with her ex.

I think whoever talked about the final piece of the jigsaw is correct.

I would want to know.

DebbieOfMaddox · 01/04/2014 21:15

She already knows, really, deep down. The doubts that led her to suspend the wedding planning... the phone calls to the OW's number going back before the cold feet episode... her ex's general demeanour... I bet you that if she had to think about it and put money on it one way or the other her version would be pretty close to the truth.

So I'd leave well alone. You won't really be telling her anything she doesn't already know, and you'd be raking up the past when she's through the other side now.

thebody · 01/04/2014 21:15

just shows how difficult this is as everyone here would consider themselves a good friend but no real consensus on what to do.

it's your call op good luck.

WeAreDetective · 01/04/2014 21:17

I think I would want to know. It would help complete the picture, so to speak

blibblibs · 01/04/2014 21:27

I would want to know.

12 years on, happily married with 3 DC and I'm sure Ex was cheating but never found out for sure, and even now I would want to know. Not for revenge or anything like that but just to know.

HearMyRoar · 01/04/2014 21:29

I think screenshoting and then just holding onto it in case you might want to tell her later is a terrible idea. If I found out a friend has done this I would be furious and upset that they had just sat on this until they decided to bother telling me. I am not sure I would be able to consider them a friend afterwards.

If she is blaming herself she needs to know it wasn't her fault. Go round with a bottle of wine and some chocolate and show her the page for heavens sake.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/04/2014 21:34

I started off thinking best to tell your friend but now I am leaning towards just letting that particular dog lie.

Original poster

curiousgeorgie · 01/04/2014 21:34

Well, I'm going to ask her if she would want to know if I found something out, I think.

Then gauge the reaction. She may well say she doesn't want to know!

OP posts:

giveadogabonio · 01/04/2014 21:34

I wouldn't tell her.

I had a v similar thing with a friend. They were buying a house together and she wanted to marry her. He left her out of the blue and she found out he'd gone to Paris a week later with a girl he'd known since school.

Anyway, a couple of years later she was at my house and it came up on facebook that he was marrying someone. The person he was marrying had the same first initial and surname as the one on the travel details from the Paris booking.

For some reason I remembered her name from 3 yrs earlier (my friend had asked me to try to find her on facebook at the time I think). Anyway, it was obvious to me that my friend didn't recognise the name - I could have pointed out that her ex bf was marrying the woman he swore blind he never left her for. But why on earth would I do that?

Just leave it.

StrawberryGashes · 01/04/2014 21:35

I would tell her. She may have regrets or worry that she was being paranoid but knowing the truth would push those thoughts away.

Smo2 · 01/04/2014 21:36

I would tell her. I was your friend, my husband left me for another woman. He eventually told me he'd been having an affair for a year. A lovely friend who spent alot of time worrying about telling me had found out accidentally but without doubt that he had actually been having an affair for 5 years with this woman. I'd had another child in that time!

She told me, and it bought me closure, as I'd never believed it completely and always felt I'd never know the whole truth.

It's a shitty situation to be in, but I would def rather know, and I'm very grateful to her that she told me!

xxxx

somersethouse · 01/04/2014 21:38

I'd definitely want to know and I would definitely tell her.

In the long run you can be sure it will make her feel better. Well, it would me. Any lingering doubts, and we all have them, will be gone.

I think you want to tell her and I think you sound like an excellent friend and should trust your own judgement.

BitOutOfPractice · 01/04/2014 21:46

I would want to know. I think you should tell her.

But as this thread shows, there really is no right or wrong thing to do. Good luck

ProlificPenguin · 01/04/2014 21:50

I am sorry but I would have to tell her too. I would want to know. It would set me free from those regrets.

Logg1e · 01/04/2014 22:02

I wouldn't want to know, and would think it a bit strange if you were to tell me (having experienced something similar years ago).

DoJo · 04/04/2014 18:37

Just thought - is there a possibility that she has been exposed to sexually transmitted diseases that she might not know about through this man. Because that's ALWAYS a justifiable reason for telling someone that they've been cheated on in my opinion. Her health has to come first and if she has met someone new then putting him at risk is also a consideration.

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