To divorce when the kids are happy?

[Judgeybear]

My DH is vile to me - has been for years - calls me fat stupid lazy etc. As it happens I'm an pretty successful "career woman" with two kids (DD 10 and DS 6) whom I adore but all that matters to him is I don't do enough housework (which to be fair he does a lot of - I've hired many cleaners over the years but he sacks them on the basis he thinks they're all incompetent). Sometimes he swears at the kids especially DD who fights back - a lot. He's generally very short tempered with them but mainly just hisses at me how we've all ruined his life etc. I've asked him to leave but he says he's not bothered about a divorce but he's not going and he wants me and the kids out. The truth is I've given as good as I've got over the years but I've always tried to get us back on track - I'm sick to death of the whole thing now but the kids seem to adore him - more than me half the time. Am I selfish to break us up?

If he is so awful to the children as well as you, the only reason they seem to adore him is, I would have thought, because they don't know any better about how life and a father should be.

I think you need to get legal advice as soon as possible.

So sorry to hear that. Hope you find a solution soon.

Are they really happy if he swears at them? Is it good for them to grow up seeing you being treated so badly?
It seems very daunting the idea of being a single parent, but I can tell you it is far easier than living with a man like this.

No, I would even go as far as to say you would be selfish to stay. Do you really want them growing up with him as a role model regarding how to treat your partner.

He sounds awful.

I think you'd be doing yourself and your children a huge disservice to stay. You all deserve better, you really don't want them thinking your marriage is one they should replicate when the time comes.

As to kids seemingly adoring him, do you not think that maybe this is their desperate attempt to keep him in a good mood?

He sounds like a gem.

I question whether the kids are truly happy. Who would be with a father who shouts and swears at them? Maybe they're just putting a brave face on it because they don't want to upset you?

But even assuming they are happy at the moment, I think I would have been really unhappy to learn as an adult that my mother had stayed with an abusive partner for my sake.

At 10 and 6 I would say your kids are not far off from working out your DH's true colours if they haven't done so already. Divorce is hard on kids at any age, but I wish my parents had ended their marriage years before they actually did. In my fathers company, I 'adored' him and pleased him because that's what children do. In private though i hated him for what I knew he was putting my mum through. I was so relieved the day he left.

You could have been my mum 13 years ago.. Me and my db cried hysterically when they finally split up.. Because we were so happy to be away from the horrible attitude, sly remarks, and ignoring the abuse that was clearly happening. My mum was beside herself when she realised how unhappy we had been, as she was only staying to keep us happy.. Try and think about what your dc are actually witnessing, and work from there? But tbh, I'd leave, for my the children's sake..

Thank you all so much! I must be so desensitised to this whole situation I've lost all sense of reality. This is my reality - and theirs - and it feels normal to us I suppose - but it isn't right??

"the kids seem to adore him - more than me half the time."
I very much doubt that they 'adore' him. I'd guess that they are trying to win his approval, because they know they don't have it. They are sure of your love.

This is NOT a healthy environment for your children to grow up in. Be assured, YANBU to seek a divorce from the man you have described. Quite the opposite.

"Am I selfish to break us up?"
You are not selfish and you are not breaking 'us' up. He sounds selfish and any break up is due to his behaviour.

Please, get yourself and your children out of this man's grasp.

This is a tread where it really is appropriate to say LTB!

Reread your post title. It begs the facetious answer "Yes, you should wait till they're miserable." Don't wait till they're miserable. Don't wait till they loathe their dad and despise you for putting up with it.

Agree with everyone else. I think you should leave him for your own good and that of your kids, without guilt. Good luck.

I see no evidence of happy kids.

You owe it to them to leave.

I totally agree with whereyouleftit...children a) seek approval (and time and love and attention) from abusive/neglectful parents and b) they are no doubt afraid of him and trying to please him all the time to avoid explosions. Children hide their feelings very well you know - it's an infuriating and dangerous myth that kids wear their hearts on their sleeves and always speak their minds.

You and your children deserve so much better. You should take steps to leave this awful man asap.

Can you get legal advice? Try CAB if you are unsure where to begin.

Do you have some support? Your mum? A sibling or friend?
I wish you very good luck xx