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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my stepson was quite rude?

48 replies

SelectAUserName · 31/03/2014 17:38

Before I start I know this is a bit pathetic to be dwelling on this and I'm probably BU - I'm just ranting really.

My stepson and his GF live in London, my stepdaughter lives in NE England, we live somewhere in between. My DSD was travelling down to stay with her brother today for a few days and asked if I would be able to meet her for coffee if she broke her journey in our town as she had a Mother's Day card and present that she wanted to give me in person. I work FT and had a 2pm meeting today but I worked out I could take a long lunch, get the 12.10pm bus to the station (about 15 min journey), have a coffee and grab a quick sandwich with her and then get the 1.25pm bus back to work in time for my meeting. She was fine with these timings.

My DSS and his GF decided to travel up to meet her here as GF's family lives in the same county as us, so they stayed at GF's parents' last night. So everyone was now meeting at the station, including my DH to see his DCs, but I was the only one with time constraints as they were all either on holiday (the young 'uns) or retired (DH).

My DH sent me a text to tell me where they were; when I joined them at about 12.30pm - my bus being a few minutes late - they were in a pub which didn't serve food. After saying hellos to everyone and my DSD giving me my presents and a few minutes general chat, I asked if there was anywhere nearby where I/we could grab some food. If I'd been going back to my desk I would have been happy with a takeaway sandwich but as I was going straight into a meeting I really needed to eat before going back to work. DH and I have only been living here for a few weeks so don't know all the amenities yet, but GF knows the place fairly well due to her family connections. She suggested a few different places and I said I honestly didn't mind where we went so long as I could get something quick (by this time it was about 12.45pm).

We moved on, which DSS wasn't too pleased about as he had to finish his drink in a hurry. The first place we tried, he turned his nose up at the food choices on offer (fairly basic choice - pies or sandwiches) so we went on to a Wetherspoons. We ordered and the barman told us there was a 20-minute wait for food, was that okay? As it was now approaching 1.00pm I said to cancel my meal as that wouldn't give me time to eat it before having to leave for the bus, but that they should stay and have their lunch and I'd head off now and grab something en route to the bus stop. DH and DSD were obviously (but politely) unhappy that I'd have to resort to eating alone after coming out specifically at DSD's request, so they cancelled their meals too. DSS then quite huffily and grumpily did the same for him & his GF. We went back to the previous place - I said I was happy to just get a sandwich and they could all go back to Wetherspoons after I'd left, but DH and DSD said they were happy to eat there too.

We three ordered and ate our food while DSS withdrew and messed around on his phone, barely saying a word for the rest of the time I was there.

I wouldn't care but he's 38, not a teenager!

OP posts:

Laquitar · 31/03/2014 18:56

Since the time was limited it was a bit stupid imo to lea e the second place and go to the third. Pies and sandwitches are the best choice when you are in hurry. And i don't know anyone who hates ALL sandwitches.

But better to let it go.

matildasquared · 31/03/2014 18:56

Yeah, you're right. He could have been more thoughtful. They all could have been more thoughtful of her time constraints. But then if it had been me, I would never have agreed to go and meet with them if I absolutely had to get some food in me before a big meeting (never mind the bus)! Way too stressful.

Patilla · 31/03/2014 18:58

YANBU

But your DSS was.

But Id put it behind you now and perhaps resolve not to do work lunches with DSS if at all possible.

nooka · 31/03/2014 18:59

A granola bar is not a good lunch. I need to eat regularly and just having a bar (or two) would mess up my energy levels and likely make me feel quite sick a bit later. Plus why would the OP be carrying granola bars when she was expecting to eat lunch with her family? When you arrange to meet someone for lunch generally speaking you expect to eat lunch!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 31/03/2014 19:08

He's 38 he isn't a teenager. OP was the only one with time constraints so if he invited himself along why be sulky at a bit of a rush around.

(Just speculating but he wasn't feeling grouchy because his DSis had thought of giving you a present and card was he? Some sort of irritation she was somehow being disloyal to their mother? Sorry ignore if irrelevant).

Anyway the main thing is, you did get to meet up with DSD.

Original poster

SelectAUserName · 31/03/2014 19:15

That did briefly cross my mind Donkeys, but he doesn't get his mum anything for Mother's Day - he's not one of life's "occasion celebrators" IYKWIM so I don't think so. His dad and I have been together for 22 years and DSD has been giving me a MD present for at least the last ten of those, so I doubt it was that.

He can be a wee bit moody - sometimes he's the life and soul of the party and on great form, and other times he can be harder work, although not usually quite so blatant as today, so I'll just chalk it up to being one of the latter days and move on.

OP posts:

Burren · 31/03/2014 19:22

Honestly, I know you really wanted to see your stepdaughter, but the whole 'limited time, public transport, absolute need for a meal, only one person with time constraints and an important meeting, everyone else on holiday/retired and drinking' was always likely to end in stress or minor disaster.

Your stepson sounds ungracious, but clearly, reasonably or not, found your need for immediate food fussy and ruining the mood of an otherwise chilled family meet-up, just as you found him rude and teenagery.

I can imagine his AIBU: 'Having a nice drink with GF, DS and DF, when DSM rushed up as if no one else in the world had ever had a 2pm meeting, and demanded immediate food, so I had to gulp my drink, and we traipsed off around three different places before we found somewhere that served food that wasn't really basic AND would serve it on time for her to get the bus back to work inside fifteen minutes, and even then it was crappy Wetherspoons. AIBU to think she should really have thought this through in advance, and realised the timescale wasn't practical, and just brought a packed lunch, or just got DF to pass on the Mother's Day card and stayed at work?'

You don't mention a Mother's Day card from him - are you less close than you and your stepdaughter?

nooka · 31/03/2014 19:31

He might well be thinking like that, but I wouldn't say he was reasonable! If you join a pre-organised 'lets meet up for lunch' arrangement, you shouldn't be surprised if someone expects to eat lunch! An hour is totally normal for timing surely?

LineRunner · 31/03/2014 19:33

So you were originally thinking you would all spend an hour at the station and grab a sandwich and coffee together? But then when you were on your way they unexpectedly told you they were on a pub, one that didn't sell food?

Original poster

SelectAUserName · 31/03/2014 19:34

Burren I would absolutely agree with you if the original plan had been for me to join a full family get-together. However the original plan was for me and DSD to meet for coffee / quick lunch at her suggestion, with her fully aware of my time and travel constraints up front and more than happy to accommodate them especially as this was a breaking-the-journey-to-London pitstop for her. We made our arrangements last Thursday. DSD invited himself and GF along yesterday. In my book, that means he should have made more effort to fit in with our existing plans rather than change them to drink-in-food-free-pub to suit his preferences.

OP posts:

matildasquared · 31/03/2014 19:37

In that case, yeah, they were all being thoughtless.

Original poster

SelectAUserName · 31/03/2014 19:38

Exactly LineRunner. I thought we'd find a Starbucks / Costa or similar on the station, not have a pub crawl round the adjoining streets. They were getting an onward train to London so not an unreasonable assumption, and it's the sort of thing DSD and I have done previously if we've met for lunch when I've been at work - not here, as this is the first time we've done is since we moved, but when we lived closer and could do it more regularly.

OP posts:

ll31 · 31/03/2014 19:42

You sound quite unreasonable tbh... surely you woukd have survived without a meal for one day... you seem to have made an every day thing into a major logistical event tbh... he was rude yes, but I wonder were you emphasising how important your time was as compared to everyone else.

Im sorry if ive got the wrong impression but you do sound as if you could use some relaxation techbiques.

ll31 · 31/03/2014 19:43

Original poster

SelectAUserName · 31/03/2014 19:48

Gosh, is it really unreasonable to want to have lunch during a working day of 8.30-17.30 after arranging to, err, have lunch?

OP posts:

giveadogabonio · 31/03/2014 19:50

For me, the point at which the plans changed to include everybody else would have been the point at which I decided to eat a sandwich at my desk before I left and just meet them all for a drink.

Personally, I'd have been stressed about the 1:25 bus turning up late/not at all if it took 15 minutes and I had a meeting at 2 so I don't know if that would have been reflected in my manner about lunch plans (did is stress you out? did it affect your manner).

Having said all of that, your SS accepted the plans that were already made so should have understood.

Also agree that it was a bit mean of them all to choose a pub with no food and I wonder why they did that?

LineRunner · 31/03/2014 19:55

They should have stayed at the station. Food, coffee, booze, convenient for onward journeys.

Whose great idea was it to go to a foodless pub?

NurseyWursey · 31/03/2014 20:04

I think you could have made it much simpler rather than having 4 people traipse around so you could get food to be honest.

steff13 · 31/03/2014 20:09

surely you woukd have survived without a meal for one day

I don't understand this thinking - the OP should have been willing to go without lunch at all, rather than inconvenience her SS by having to eat someplace he didn't prefer?

The OP's DH and SD (at least) knew that she wanted to eat lunch, why didn't they choose a pub that sold food to begin with? That's the silliest thing, IMO. If that had been the case, there would have been no running around at all.

ferretyfeet · 31/03/2014 20:11

Seems a lot of fuss about nothing to be honest

giveadogabonio · 31/03/2014 20:15

To be fair, your DSD invited you out for coffee and you decided to squeeze lunch into it.

giveadogabonio · 31/03/2014 20:16

To be fair, your DSD invited you out for coffee and you decided to squeeze lunch into it.

Original poster

SelectAUserName · 31/03/2014 20:23

I asked her if she'd have time for me/us to have lunch when she first suggested it and she was fine with that, giveadogabonio.

OP posts:

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