to consider selling up so that I don't have to work my children's childhoods away?

[KeepCalmAndLOLKittens]

I feel like I'm working hours and hours every week (PT with extra jobs takes me to about 0.8 plus more in my own time to keep up). DM is ill and MIL is unwilling, so I have no help with childcare, then there's the household stuff including hours of fucking laundry every weekend. DH absolutely pulls his weight but the DCs are bad sleepers so we lose hours to that. I also commute 1hr 40 a day which eats into my family time. Locally the picture in my field is redundancies, so there is very little likelihood of finding a job here. We hoped that by moving here it would ease childcare pressures a bit but MIL having had a change of heart, that hasn't happened. I know I sound bitter I am but I do recognise that this is our problem, not hers. We're unable to work out a way of taking her out of the equation re the small amount she does now because of the childcare situation in our rural area, but really we need to.

Even though we've not long moved and would incur a penalty on our mortgage, estate agent and solicitor's fees and already have a modest debt because we had to replace a car last year, I'm sorely tempted to sell up and rent. That way, even though we couldn't afford for me to leave my employed work, I could perhaps ease off on the extra things and move somewhere with a shorter commute. I would be moving further away from my beloved DM but I am actually seeing her less now than before as I simply don't have the time. Most importantly, I could spend more time with my DCs before they really start to grow up.

We would end up in about £15k of debt, which would take us a couple of years (at least) to pay off. WWYD?

I sympathise- it sounds as if you're in the thick of it right now. However I think what you propose would cause more stress and insecurity long term.

The things which are really biting at the moment- childcare costs and your children being poor sleepers will change. Once they each reach school age you will see the childcare bills start to drop. I'm not saying it'll be easy, because many of found the logistics of juggling out of school and holiday care tricky, but one big advantage of having worked while they are pre schoolers is that it'll seem way cheaper.

They also will sleep better eventually. It must seem really tough now but I would hang on on there, keep searching for full time rather than a mix of jobs which altogether probably create more stress. And remember that if you step out of the workplace it can be really tough to get back in.

I feel for you... Our situation was similar in that we had a very tough time with two nursery places eating up all my salary, no family within 100 miles and this was back in the day when mortgage rates were increasing every month ... I remember our mortgage payments on a very modest house doubling in just a matter of months and we really thought we might end up repossessed and there was nothing we could do ... However hanging on in work was the best thing I could have done. A few years from now you'll look back and the lean time will be a distant memory.

Honestly I think it sounds like you're having a bad time and it's making you think desperately. Your Mum is ill which is very stressful, your DC are small still and you're working hard...I would, in your shoes try to weather this storm...it will get better...look for ways to work from home...there are now online tutoring agencies...where children are tutored entirely online.

Ps I would also look at ways of cutting back on everything but the most basic domestic chores so you aren't eating up valuable weekend time. Could you find a simpler system for laundry so that you're not doing it all over the weekend? Have a strict rota and stick on a wash each morning? And I hope you're not ironing anything! Seriously- you want to keep the house running but with young children you don't need to do anything above and beyond

At the moment your payments are servicing an asset, but if you sell up you will be paying to service a debt. House prices are rising again and therefore if you step off now you may never get back into a house of your own.

I understand where you are coming from. I had the estate agent round to value our house when I had 3 kids under 5, massive child care Bill, and huge commuting costs. I thought I might as well sell up and find somewhere smaller & cheaper, as it was literally costing me more to work than I earned.

Roll on 10 years in the blink of an eye. That terrible phase lasted 1 year until the oldest started school. 3 years later they were all at school, and we began to pay back the numerous loans we had taken out to survive. 10 years on we are still in the house which is now filled up by 3 teenagers, the mortgage is no longer a struggle, the debts are paid off, and I am so glad I hung in there and did not take a radical step to solve a short term problem. Hold your nerve - it will get better!

Thanks for giving me some perspective on this. AwfulMaureen your comments in particular have given me pause for thought and I hope things start improving when you go abroad. Sad, isn't it, that it should come to that.

Laundry and ironing suggestions - really must work out how people manage to avaoid the ironing

Yes it's very sad and as someone who loves the UK I never thought it would come to this. But the stress of living in rental has made me ill to be honest and there's nothing I can do that will serve my children as well as leaving will do.

Renting means a life of insecurity for them...it really does. I am lucky I have the option to move though and will keep reminding myself of that...some people would love to have the chance.

Best wishes Keep.

Seriously re ironing - don't do it, save electricity! Lower your standards. Stop buying clothes that require ironing. Encourage shirt wearers to do their own.

I'm in much the same situation as you, we have a mortgage we both work full time, i have a 2 hour commute and a lovely ds who goes to nursery - we live in the south east and childcare bills are massive. Mil helps 1 day a week at the moment with childcare but will be moving away soon and he will be at nursery 5 days a week 8am - 6pm. I miss him and desperately want to spend more time with him but i can't. I hope that in time things will be different and i can maybe have a part time job closer to home and spend more time with him.

Hang in there it will be okay - this is what i'm telling myself.

All i really wanted to say though was stop ironing, i don't iron at all (iron and board went up in the loft when i had ds - i don't have the time and i hate it) but i am lucky that my husband doesn't have an office job so doesn't need ironed shirts etc. I do work in an office but find that it's only linen or cotton that really needs ironing so i don't wear it very often and then i can save any ironing for my lovely mil or mum who both for some reason love ironing and are happy to do the odd bit for me or i can use their iron while i'm at their house.

Gosh I agree about the ironing! Hang things on hangers if you don't have a dryer....life is definitely too short!

keep Hi, there are aspects of your situation that echo my own but I can see you are in a bit if a spot.

We also bought at the height and have 100% which we are stuck with and have outgrown our current house. We have debts of 15k plus and they are a huge millstone, don't get into more debt its not great. As a SAHM (ex teacher so I know how hard you work) I feel guilt for every £ I spend on anything other than food/bills and for every £ I no longer earn. This is how it has to be for us at the moment. I am desperate to go back to work but cant afford the childcare.

I think you have a house and childcare you can afford. The childcare costs will be greatly reduced, so hang on in there. Get yourself a 24 month plan on paper, just so you can actually see in writing how it will ease. I have a spreadsheet that I look at.

Your commute I used to do this amount, it can be draining and 'dead time' - what an absolute bitter pill to swallow after not reaping the rewards with the childcare.

Dont make big decisions like this when you are feeling this way.
So I agree with awfulmaureen wait for greater perspective.

funny is right too, lower your standards. I thought when I becomes a SAHM I would be all this n that with bells on - no way, it becomes a grinf and I dont actually like doing it so even though I have the time:

Wash everything on 30 - short wash cycle - put these straight on hangers or radiators - eg my jersey day dresses dry ok, i dont iron them.

Wear things more than once - its ok to keep PJs on and 'save' clothes.
I only wear clothes when I go out. none of us have got ill from out clothes. Obviously sweaty clothes dont get rework

I dont bath/shower DC everyday, they have dry skin but I really dont think it is necessary.

I think you need to hang on in there but try to cut yourself some slack. If your DC seem happy then much as you want to spend more time with them do you really need to when the choice is a secure roof over their heads? Working weeks may be long but you get to have more weeks holiday with them than many working parents. So maybe a year long view gives more balance? Totally agree the iron can go in a cupboard and stay there.

I didnt want to patronise by going throught the usual moneysaving tips but have you gone throught your shopping/cooking style. I know it is hard I find when Im busy or disorganised i spend more on food trips to corner shop or worse takeaways.

FWIW, i found mine quite happy at nursery (eldest) and I had holidays to do parks picnic swimming etc...It was when he started school he needed me more to talk through his playground stuff - he seems awkward at this and his homework. So for now your DC IMO ad IME are fine where they are.

Is the decision really between living where you do, or renting? Can you afford to sell up and buy somewhere else, nearer to your work?

I think I would chunk this down into five year chunks.

Now: preschool kids, ill mother.

+5 years: kids in school

+10 years: early teen years.

If you sell now, and can't get back on again; that 10+ phase will be very hard.

Can you cut corners to save time? Definitely give up the ironing, I haven't ironed anything in years and no one has ever said anything. Tumble dry things then hang them up straight away, most things look fine after you've worn them an hour or so anyway.

Can you cut down on your laundry? Are you washing stuff that doesn't need it? Can you stick washes on midweek so it doesn't all pile up at the weekend?

Can you cut corners teaching? It's hard when you're a teacher, but sometimes you have to put your own children above those you teach. Use textbooks, worksheets, other people's resources. Don't teach lessons that require intensive planning. Get the kids to mark their own work/peer assess so you only need to mark their marking. Set less homework, or stuff that is easier to mark. I've just come back from maternity leave and my personal target is to just do whatever it takes to get through to the summer. The house is a shit tip, but if it's a choice between tidying up and reading my children a book, well they win.

If you commute, can you take a train and work on the train rather than drive?

And visit the sleep forums to see if you can get any help with the DC's sleep. Things are so much easier when you are well-rested.

Sorry to hear about your DM OP, coping with all the stress on your plate at the moment on little sleep must be very hard.

Luckily my DM was ok but I had a tough time when the DC were small, I was teaching FT and DH was working abroad. I remember sitting on the kitchen floor crying many times. I hung in there as money was very tight (big mortgage) and even though I wasn't earning much due to childcare costs I was keeping my job, career and pension.

Fast forward fifteen years and, like Jynxed, I am glad I stuck it out. It has given me options and helped me get another even better job. The DC are only small for a short while and it does get a bit easier each year.

My advice would be to try and keep going as you are if you possibly can.

AwfulMaureen so sad to hear your story and wishing you all the best for your move.

Do not sell your house OP.

I live in the south east and house prices have rocketed here. Houses are on the market for a week at the most. If you sell now you may never get back on the housing ladder again.

Our childcare bill is extrortianate but my DD goes to school in two years and we'll be better off by at least £700 a month.

For now we've pulled our belts in big time but there is light at the end of the tunnel. These really are the worst years for many working parents but it will get better.

how old are your children because bad sleeping will pass. if you are sleep deprived everything seems worse I'm not suggesting CC but Tanya Byron has some ideas that sound OK could you use school easter holidays to try and crack the sleeping thing, I am very sorry for you but do not sell house it will be worse