Or is my DP? (Infertility related)

[dannydevitoiloveyourwork]

We started TTC 4 years ago. After a couple of years and various tests we found out we couldn't naturally and our only hope was IVF. Since then we have been on an extremely long waiting list for treatment. Finally, we got the news last week that our names are now at the top and we should be beginning treatment soon.

It has been a very difficult time and I have really struggled being around pregnant friends and babies/young children, and have drifted apart from some friends as a result. Obviously I'm happy for them but I just find it really upsetting. I'm not quite as raw as I was a couple of years ago but I still find it really hard.

We have been invited to a friend's birthday gathering the weekend after next. It's a daytime affair so that everybody can bring their kids. There will be at least 2 heavily pregnant women there, plus around 15 children ranging from newborn to 5 years old. Plus it seems like every time I go to something like this, another pregnancy is announced.

So I told DP that I didn't think I would feel up to going. He doesn't see what the problem is. He doesn't understand why I'm still upset by these things and thinks that now we're at the top of the waiting list, I should be over it. And if I'm not over it by now, when will I be? (Er, when I'm holding my baby in my arms perhaps?)

Tbh I was so that I just burst into tears and told him to f*ck off. I have pointed out that there's only a 1 in 4 chance of the IVF actually working and more likely than not we still have a long road ahead of us. He thinks that I am being overly negative and that the hardest part is over

He has been fairly supportive prior to this but I don't think he's ever really understood how heartbreaking this has been for me (he's quite laid back and although he wants kids he's never been desperate for a baby to the point where that's all he can think about).

So, is he right? Should I suck it up and force myself to go? Or is he being an insensitive knob?

Yanbu. I have had two rounds of IVF, one successful and one not. I feel really pained when I hear friends saythrthey've conceived their third dc etc when I've been doing tests and IVF for a year but still not conceived and I know I have a long road ahead of me if I want no2.

I feel that even though I have one dc, I know it is even harder if you have no dc :-( good luck with IVF x

YANBU. Real friends will understand and at that sort of party, to be honest, no-one will really notice if someone isn't there. Send your friend a nice card and do something that you will enjoy instead.

The friend in question who is having the baby shower says things like 'we weren't even sure if we wanted children yet but we decided to stop using contraception and it happened first month!'

Piss off!

Nearly over? Idiot man you're just getting started. IVF saps all your emotional energy. Don't go to the party because it will be hard. Some weeks such a party wouldn't be hard. Just be kind to yourself and don't deplete your energy levels pushing yourself into situations you're not comfortable in..

I'm a bit worried about your DH in a way. You seem very grounded - he may find the ups and downs to come a hell of a shock. If the clinic offer counselling then take it. Right at the start - then you know the counsellor. Obviously I'm hoping it works but you seem to be a realist.

It's only a "bit" worried tbh - mostly he needs a to man up and learn some empathy.

I'm so sorry. He is being insensitive. The need to have a baby can obviously be totally overwhelming, and I wouldn't be able to face going either.

I really hope it's successful, but it is a good idea to talk to DH about how you feel, some of the drugs you will take can make you more emotional too. Wish you all the luck in the world x

Well he is being over optimistic & you are being realistic imo.

Perhaps he feels that you should feel bouyed up enough by the impending IVF to be able to cope?

I'm shocked that he thinks that the waiting for the IVF is the hard part, though!

Hope all goes well for you & if you can't face the party, don't go.

Sometimes we don't go to things because we cba/don't fancy it-there doesn't always have to be a reason for not doing something, does there?

No one who's not been in this position can ever, ever understand how hard and awful it is. My tips would be
a) confide in a couple of friends/family if you haven't yet
b) don't do anything/go to anything you suspect will have a bad effect on you mentally
c) sit down and have a proper heart to heart with your husband about why, sadly, this could be the start of the hard times, not the end
d) impress in him just how physically gruelling ivf is. Some people seem to think it's a walk in the park
e) if you can, start putting money aside for private treatment. Even if you decide that's not you want in the end, at least you'll have been saving.

I empathise with you so much OP. If anyone wanders in here and asks why don't you adopt? woe betide them...

YANBU and neither is he. You both have a right to your own feelings and both of you should respect the others feelings.

He doesn't want to put his life on hold and stop seeing friends because they have children/ are pregnant, which isn't unreasonable. He might feel frustrated that you are isolating yourself (and maybe feels you are isolating him too).

You don't feel you can face it at the moment, which also isn't unreasonable. You can't understand why he doesn't feel as terrible as you do and are frustrated that he isn't being more supportive.

Neither of you seem to be able to understand the others point of view. I think you need to discuss this and both be honest- I don't think it's as simple as your DH is being unreasonable and an insensitive arse.

Do your friends know about your difficulties? If not, they may not understand why you are distancing yourself and be hurt at your avoiding them. If they do, simply say you don't feel up to it.

I had a friend who I didn't know had been struggling to conceive, and when I was pregnant with DD she distanced herself (and was occasionally a bit unpleasant actually). I didn't know why at the time, but I was hurt and our friendship suffered.

I tried to be understanding and made allowances when she did explain, but the friendship was still strained. She did the same with other friends who had DC, and eventually we all drifted apart because she hardly came to get-togethers (even if we didn't have our DCs), didn't make much effort to get in contact and if she ever did come she would get really upset at any mention of children/family life (which made everyone on edge in case we said the wrong thing). Her DH told a friend's DH some time later that she was lonely and felt isolated.

My point is, if you haven't told close friends perhaps consider it- it might save a friendship. Secondly, it is fine to not go to some events if you don't feel up to it but try not to completely isolate yourself and your DH from everyone with children.

I would agree with others re your DH being over optimistic about "the hardest part being over" though.

I agree with others about "the hardest part being over" and regardless of what you decide to do about the party, I think it's worth talking to him about that. You both have a lot more to go through emotionally, but you also have a lot more to deal with physically. His role in IVF is to wank in a pot. Yours will be to have multiple scans and blood tests, inject drugs (which can do strange things to your emotions) and go through minor surgery (egg collection). It will be a lot harder on you and he needs to recognise this and support you.

I think he also needs to recognise that on average (and this depends a lot of age and other factors so this is very general) the success rate is around 1 in 3. So you might get lucky on your first cycle but the majority of people do not.

Good luck with your cycle.

How many treatments can you have on the nhs?

Wow I must be in the minority in this then. We have been trying for nearly 10 years. Haven't gone down the ivf route yet (thanks to my lovely then pct but doing my nurse training so decided to prioritise that first) but will be within the next couple of years as I def need fertility treatment (have autoimmune issues).

I absolutely love being around other peoples kids. I would def go to the party. No matter where I was in treatment (even after a miscarriage I have been there). And yes friends can be insensitive, incredibly so. I've been upset by a couple. Especially by one who behind my back decided I was being jealous if the fact she had a baby and I hadn't where as she would in fact never let me go round or wouldn't go anywhere as she wouldn't breast feed in public so in fact isolated herself (it happens when you have childless friends). That same one told me to look on the bright side, at least I wouldn't have to use contraception. Err yeah, that's a real bright side thanks.

But I do think your DH is being insensitive as you do have a big journey to go on. I wasn't emotionally ready when we were there. My PCT cut all fertility treatment as they wanted to start a new service in our county (our clinic was at our local hospital but the hospital is in another county and we live just over the county border). So glad we weren't in the middle of treatment as they literally cut people mid cycle. Evil bastards.