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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find out baby's sex without letting OH know (semi serious)

17 replies

Curlyweasel · 28/03/2014 14:44

I found out what I was having first time round as I'm a control freak and need to know everything Wink and anyway I was doing it all on my own so could please myself.

Anyhoo... ffwd 8 years and here I am unexpectedly up the duffers with goodness knows which!

It's OH's first time and he wants the surprise of finding out on the day. He is an amazing man and has said that if I really, really am desperate to know, then we should find out at 36 week scan (yes, I know it's not definite anyway. But this just makes me feel rotten.

To be honest, I'm having a lot of trouble accepting the idea that it might be a boy. Friend's son is completely doing my head in and I feel a real dislike towards him. I won't go into the whys and wherefores (and I know my feels are irrational), but would it be terribly unreasonable of me to find out what I'm having (to perhaps get my head round things) and not tell OH?

Could ask the sonographer to write it down for me and me alone?

Would I be letting OH down by doing this?

OP posts:
Giraffeski · 28/03/2014 14:46

Is the 36 week one a position scan? If it is you might not get the chance to find out, sorry! The sonographer went nowhere near that bit ( unless your baby is breech I suppose) and it lasted about 10 seconds.

gamerchick · 28/03/2014 14:48

You could try but I think it's likely that you'll slip up when talking about the baby to your bloke by accident.

Original poster
Curlyweasel · 28/03/2014 14:48

Hmmm - interesting. Baby has been presenting as breech for 6 weeks (goes to loo for umpteenth time).

OP posts:
ViviPru · 28/03/2014 14:51

"Could ask the sonographer to write it down for me and me alone"

If your DP is happy with that then I suppose YWNBU, but then being as you're a self-confessed control freak (I am too so sympathise), how would you be able to resist not being in full control and undertaking sex-specific baby prep without your DP knowing what it is?

Sounds like your current state of mind and reasoning is at the mercy of hormones, have you got a few weeks to push it to the back of your mind and see if you feel the same then?

Heathcliff27 · 28/03/2014 14:51

I wanted to know but my husband didn't with our 2nd child. With his consent I asked the sonographer to write it down just for me. She did this no problem, by the time we had gone outside to the car my DH wanted to know what was written down.

LilllyLovesLife · 28/03/2014 14:52

I don't think you will be able to find out at 36 weeks. Do you not have a 20 week one?

We were in a similar position when I had DS, who was my third child but DHs 1st. I got my own way in the end but wouldn't of done it if it had meant lying. The way I see it, we have to sacrifice a hell of a lot through pregnancy and have the whole pain of childbirth. I think it's one thing we should be able to choose and that DH could sacrifice his want for a suprise, when I had sacrificed so much.

BrightLightsAtNight · 28/03/2014 14:53

My friend didn't want to know but her husband did so the sonographer wrote it down. He knew from the 20 week scan and didn't let it slip!

Original poster
Curlyweasel · 28/03/2014 15:00

I'm 34 weeks now, so 36 week scan is next opportunity. I think it's the getting my head round if it's a boy scenario more than anything. I know my silly hormones aren't helping...

I think that would happen to us too Heathcliff so that's why I'm feeling bad about taking away his surprise. BUT, I want to bond with the baby too.

Argh.

OP posts:
EyelinerQueen · 28/03/2014 15:05

OP I had similar negative thoughts and fears about the possibility of this DC being a boy.

Turns out he is and finding out the sex at my scan has given me the chance to accept it and get used to the idea and even get excited about having a DS Smile .

I understand why you want to.

bonzo77 · 28/03/2014 15:15

From a practical point of view, they can tell you at 36 weeks. We found out at that point with DS1. Though he was head down.

TheOrchardKeeper · 28/03/2014 15:30

Just to help with with worrying about having a boy.

Not sure what you're worried about specifically of course but I was secretly dissapointed to find out I was having a boy at 12 weeks (partly bacause I was going to be a lone parent and worried it would affect out 'bond' as he was going to be a different gender IYSWIM crazy I know )

He's much easier than I imagined. Full of energy like most boys, and kids in general but actually less trantummy than a lot of his girl-friends. Every kid is different though and gender has a lot less to do with it than people think when it comes to kids.

If it'll help then find out (that's why I had to know, so I had some time to suck it up/pull my socks up before he was born) Smile

Good luck! Thanks

IdahoGal · 28/03/2014 15:53

Like The OrchardKeeper, I was disappointed when I found out my second was to be a boy. Not very secretly, though. I actually sobbed. I think it was because my brother and I got along so dismally. He'll be 21 in July and there has not been a minute after his birth that I have been sorry he's a boy. In some ways, he's been easier than my girl - no hormonal moodiness and almost always cheerful and fun to be around. But I was glad I had the chance to get used to the idea first!

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 28/03/2014 16:01

My opinion would be that, as it is YOU who will very soon go through labour and have the baby, then if you feel that knowing the sex will put you in a better frame of mind and make you feel more in control, then yes you should do it.

It's not possible to 'let your OH down' by doing this - the thing that is paramount is YOUR prep, as it that which may just affect the smooth running of the birth. To do your best by your OH as you have his baby, you should make every effort to get in a good place with it all.

What would be unfair is letting slip! But you don't want to find out so you can start buying pink or blue socks, do you? It seems to be a but more important than that. If you are sure you can keep it a secret, you should go ahead. Get them to write it on a bit of paper.

You may not see anything at a 36 week scan, tho.

juneybean · 28/03/2014 16:26

At 36 weeks you might as well wait for the birth?!

Woobeedoo · 28/03/2014 17:11

I simply had to know if my baby was boy or girl but my OH was all for the grand "Ta da!" at the birth.

We both went into the scan room and I explained situation to sonographer whilst handing them a postcard and envelope. On the postcard I wrote Boy, Girl, % certainty, image unclear. The sonographer joked it would be a "pretty huge secret to keep" to which I replied that it would be the best surprise ever for my OH and I'd never ruin it.

Anyhoo, at the sexing part she claimed she couldn't see due to the position of the baby. I was gutted. When we got home I found the sealed envelope hidden in my notes with the postcard, Boy was circled at 99% certainty. She had me totally hoodwinked which meant OH thought we were both in the dark.

36 weeks may be a little late but it may still be possible and if so, I hope you get a sonographer as fantastic as mine was!

eightandthreequarters · 28/03/2014 17:14

If you're 34 weeks I think you just wait for the birth. Sorry, I'd want to know too, and I hope you get a cooperative sonographer!

FrogbyAnotherName · 28/03/2014 17:15

It's OH's first time and he wants the surprise of finding out on the day.

I'm sure the reality of your labour and childbirth will come as a surprise to him; isn't that enough?!?

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