To wish I was straight

[HotChocolateAndACookie]

I have name changed for this in case someone recognises me.

I'm a lesbian and I hate it. I'm actually only out online, I haven't actually told people in real life for fear of how they will react. I've tried so hard to be attracted to men but it just doesn't work. I've had boyfriends but I've never had a long term relationship, I always end it before it gets too serious as I hate leading them along like that. It's also a nightmare for me to have to pretend to be attracted to them and it just gets too hard to play along in the end. I haven't been in a relationship for two years now and I've made a vow to myself to not date any more men and will always turn down any offers for a relationship from men these days, using the excuse that I'm not ready for a relationship yet.

Everybody thinks I'm straight and I feel like I'm living a lie constantly. I really do wish I was straight as it just seems easier that way but lying is just so tiring and I know I won't be able to hide it forever.

I'm scared about how people will react, that people won't accept it and I fear people being homophobic towards me and that I will get abuse for it. My mother is homophobic and I know she will hate the fact that I'm gay. I worry that any future children will be bullied for having a gay mum.

I mean, it's not wrong to wish I was "normal" (and I hate that word), right? Just for an easy life.

You see, that's what I'm worried about too. I'm not stereotypical either - I'm really girly which I don't think helps much. I can picture my dad saying something similar along the lines of "you're just confused" or "you haven't met the right man yet". He's not homophobic...he just won't take things like this seriously.

I was 18 at the end of the last century. Section 28 was still in force. The age of consent for men was still different to men/women. People still thought AIDS was a gay disease. The idea of same sex marriage was something only cranks thought was possible or even desirable. The campaign groups I was in used to ask for us to be "tolerated."

Things have changed SO much. Shows like "The L Word" although they're still a bit stereotyped have done a lot for girly lesbians (same here, although I'm not really girly, I'm just not very butch either.) You don't need to "look" gay to be accepted as such these days - whereas I think you did years ago.

I imagined that my dad would be awful when I came out. He used to think no Sunday lunch was complete without a 'poof' joke. He's actually been absolutely amazing. And if your dad doesn't take you seriously? Well, these days, your dad doesn't choose your dating pool. He'll take it seriously eventually.

Please check out www.emptyclosets.com

They've been really lovely and helpful. :)

Didn't want to just read this and run but you have my support and I wouldn't care what you were if you were my friend. All the above have given lovely advice and support. Good Luck for the future.

Oh I am sorry you going through this and it must be awful to live a lie. I have no advice apart from come live in Brighton or even just visit and learn to love who you are. Your family will get used to it.

I am gay and have been with my girlfriend for 7 years now, we have 3 children together.

Many of the things that scared me so much when first telling people have not been issues at all and others have been hard to deal with.

My family are catholic and as such do not accept my relationship, that was really hard an I still miss them but you have to be happy and you can't live your life how others want you to.

Feel free to PM me and chat if you want to ask any questions or just rant away. I've been there and know how your feeling. X

Hotchocolate, think your idea of starting by telling your match-making friend is a good one!

Just want to thank everyone for all their kind advice, I appreciate it a lot.

Just wondering, from anyone who has experience, are university LGBT societies any good? I suppose it would depend on the university in question but I am going to university in September (better late than ever) and will have to move away to go. I was thinking about joining one of these things. You know, maybe get a chance to live life as 'out' for the first time.

MrsCosmopilite no I'm not near London, actually in a small hick town in the north east. But thank you all the same.

You can't change who you are, nor should you try. If your mum can't accept you (which is unlikely) then you mustn't blame yourself for the fallout. You don't have to discuss your sexuality with everyone, but you're unlikely to be happy living a lie, so I think you're far better being honest when it comes up.

I'm a lesbian and it's great but tough at first. My advice would be to tell your gay male friends first. They've been there and will understand. They'll be able to help you meet other LGBT people.

Volunteering at LGBT charities is a good, unpressurised way to meet new friends. An university LGBT society would be great too.

In terms of your family, there's no rush to tell them anything. Find your confidence, find a network of people like you and it'll become easier.

I've been with my partner for over a decade and we've got three kids. Life is great for all of us.

Oh, and finally, look up the "It Gets Better" videos on YouTube. There are hundreds of happy LGBT people talking about how they got through the tough, early stages. There are messages of support from loads of straight people too.

Hang in there. It's going to be fine.

PS - congratulations on coming-out here. And welcome!

I have lots of gay friends and your story is very familiar. They tried very hard to be straight and thought that all is friends thought they were indeed straight.

We all secretly thought they were gay and honestly when they came out no one batted an eyelid.
Dont worry :)

I have noticed a huge increase in openly out gay people in the past say five years, from the two mums at school (no bullying in primary school about it from what I understand) to several colleagues of mine who are openly gay and bring their partners along to events, talk about them at work and so on.

I think there's been a big shift- I think you will find lots of like-minded people at university and that might be a great place to start and get support before thinking about how to tell your parents.

My friend came out to us all when were all 23...we had all guessed though despite them having some past, brief, heterosexual relationships to try to change/cover it up. People may not be as surprised as you think. In our case it was a bit like 'oh ok, whose round is it then? ' lol. Good luck Op x