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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish I was straight

64 replies

HotChocolateAndACookie · 27/03/2014 22:29

I have name changed for this in case someone recognises me.

I'm a lesbian and I hate it. I'm actually only out online, I haven't actually told people in real life for fear of how they will react. I've tried so hard to be attracted to men but it just doesn't work. I've had boyfriends but I've never had a long term relationship, I always end it before it gets too serious as I hate leading them along like that. It's also a nightmare for me to have to pretend to be attracted to them and it just gets too hard to play along in the end. I haven't been in a relationship for two years now and I've made a vow to myself to not date any more men and will always turn down any offers for a relationship from men these days, using the excuse that I'm not ready for a relationship yet.

Everybody thinks I'm straight and I feel like I'm living a lie constantly. I really do wish I was straight as it just seems easier that way but lying is just so tiring and I know I won't be able to hide it forever.

I'm scared about how people will react, that people won't accept it and I fear people being homophobic towards me and that I will get abuse for it. My mother is homophobic and I know she will hate the fact that I'm gay. I worry that any future children will be bullied for having a gay mum.

I mean, it's not wrong to wish I was "normal" (and I hate that word), right? Just for an easy life.

OP posts:

ebwy · 28/03/2014 10:37

I have the view that the only reason I'd be upset if my children turned out to not be straight is because they would have a harder life.

I just want to hug you (very un-mumsnet, I know)

if someone has a problem with you because you happen to prefer women then it's their problem, not yours. I'm so sorry you are under so much stress.

MaidOfStars · 28/03/2014 11:32

I don't have any personal experience of your problem but have the usual assortment of gay friends, some of whom were always out, but some, like you, who pretended to be straight for a long time (including straight marriages, double lives and so on).

From the outside, I have observed the sheer relief - maybe a better word is freedom - when they have finally been ready and able to come out. What you feel now isn't going to go away. So you have a choice to face it now, or to face it later but adding in several years of misery. For what? People are going to love or hate, whether it's now or an unspecified point in the future.

You are who you are. You have the right to be happy, not miserable, and fuck those who say differently.

MackerelOfFact · 28/03/2014 12:36

I think for the time being you're doing the right thing. You're 'out' to some (even if just online) you're not dating men, and you're single. IMO until you are actually in a relationship with a woman, there isn't a huge need to really come out to friends and family, because there isn't really anything much to tell them.

For now, focus your efforts on meeting and coming out to other gay people who won't judge you and who may lead you to have a relationship with a woman. This doesn't mean necessarily having to become a member of the gay 'community' - even online groups, clubs or dating sites would allow you to meet like-minded people. Not all lesbians hang out in gay bars with gay friends - many are just like you and you wouldn't know they weren't straight either.

The truth is, unless you look stereotypically 'gay' (and IME, only a pretty low percentage actually do) most people will automatically assume you are straight. That goes for anyone, and it does not necessarily mean that people will be less accepting of you.

quirrelquarrel · 28/03/2014 12:40

Aw OP

I'm bi, sort of, on the Kinsey scale probably about a 5. When I was fifteen I had a bit of an epiphany moment and realised that yes I did like girls, but since I wasn't homophobic, I didn't have to feel bad about that anymore. It just sort of clicked. I'd been scared on and off that I was gay since I was about five!
I think you should separate your coming out related apprehension and how you feel about yourself.

The LGBT and fem socs at my uni are great. I think the best thing is to surround yourself with people who see sexual orientation as a total non issue IFYSWIM (which of course it is).

Echoing MrsCosmo, if you're in London I'd be happy to have a chat sometime, hate the thought of people feeling sad about this sort of thing, it's so unfair and unnecessary.

quirrelquarrel · 28/03/2014 12:41

argh all badly expressed! I'm dozy today!

Original poster

HotChocolateAndACookie · 28/03/2014 18:48

That's what I was thinking. I mean, it isn't wrong to wait until you're ready, is it? Even if that might take a while.

OP posts:

Original poster

HotChocolateAndACookie · 28/03/2014 18:55

Just to expand on my OP:

It's not just my mum who is homophobic. Pretty much a good proportion of her side of the family are too. For instance her sister, my aunt, has said that she wouldn't eat in x pub because it's managed by a lesbian couple which lead to a whole rant of her going on about how she would never eat food prepared by "carpet munchers" and "fanny flickers" and that it was "wrong" and "yucky". This was said in front of several other family members (including me) and not one of them challenged her on it, a couple even laughed along with her. And there's me, sitting there and cringing.

They honestly have no idea.

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 28/03/2014 20:01

Your family are really in the minority!

I know a young man who came out at school by jumping up in assembly and shouting he was gay no shit Sherlock and everyone accepted it.

Most people really are a bit meh about the whole gay thing! I was going to put accepting, but it isn't even that, it is more 'So what, it isn't relevant to my life'.

I really could not care less if someone I am friends with is gay, straight or a little bit wonky!

The only time it would make a difference would be if it was someone I fancied, and they fancied the same sex, rather than the opposite sex. not going to tell you I have a major crush on a guy who is gay, but it doesn't matter anyway, cos I am in a relationship

HermioneWeasley · 28/03/2014 20:03

I went through years of self loathing when I realised I was gay, in part due to my parents' homophobia. Meeting LGBT people was a huge step in accepting myself.

It took me years to be out beyond the LGBT scene. When I finally worked up the courage.......nobody cared.

Optimist1 · 28/03/2014 20:04

You can't live your life pretending to be someone you're not, OP. At some stage you're going to have to bite the bullet and tell your mother you're gay. Have you seen the film "Milk"? I found it a very moving account of how things were back in the bad old days, and the message that really stays with me is that homophobia is often based on ignorance. Homophobes like your mother don't know any lesbians personally, so they don't know that lesbians can be bright, kind, funny, supportive, sensitive people - i.e. just like straight women! The more people in the closet who come out and take their rightful place in their families the more families there are who accept that this is a non-negotiable feature of their daughter/sister/niece/granddaughter.

I'm not sure I explained that reasoning very well! But feel free to PM me if you want to talk to a mother who has wholeheartedly accepted her daughter's sexuality. Other posters have mentioned that the actual coming out can be a bit of an anti-climax in the event - I'd endorse that view 100% in light of my very straightlaced 80-yr old mother's reaction to my daughter's situation!

In any case I wish you well with your future. Things will get better.

Lilybensmum1 · 28/03/2014 20:09

It's such a shame we have to stereotype and assign worth to people based on what society says is 'normal' this must be awful for you living a double life, if you know your mum feels like this it makes it more difficult.

Maybe you would be surprised by people's reactions maybe not all negative! if you do tell people I guess you would find out who your real friends are and clearly the only ones you would want in your life anyway!

I wish you well, if you were my friend it would make no difference to me I just hope you can be happy.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 28/03/2014 20:11

My mum was quite homophobic when we were growing up. She was a devout catholic and went along with the church's teaching. Then my sister came out. Now my mum is no longer homophobic, has rejected Catholicism and considers herself an atheist.

Your family might surprise you

itsbetterthanabox · 28/03/2014 20:17

That sounds horrible but I am certain what you are imagining it to be worse than what the reality would be. You just need to bite the bullet and tell people. It is the only way you can be happy. You won't be able to start any kind of meaningful relationship with a woman until you come out. Tell friends first, then co workers. Work up to telling family. Many people make flippant homophobic comments without realising which of course is completely wrong but when faced with a friend or family member coming out they are forced to learn to respect, understand and confront their own prejudices.

Original poster

HotChocolateAndACookie · 28/03/2014 21:57

I'm thinking of maybe telling my friend before I get the chance to meet this so-called 'perfect' boyfriend who'd be 'just right' for me.

Good idea...or no?

OP posts:

AnnieMaybe · 28/03/2014 22:25

yes tell her if you are comfortable with it

But loads of straight women don't want to be set up with their friends idea of the perfect man either

Ilikepancakes · 28/03/2014 22:25

The worlds changing and the UK is helping lead the way. Homophobia is becoming unacceptable in polite circles. There is not on,y nothing wrong with being gay but the world is a better place with diversity. Your family is probably homophobic mostly due to lack of knowledge- once they realise somebody close to them is gay they might rethink just what gay means to them. It's easy for them to say those things about people they don't know but I think they would rethink their views once it was you they were talking about.

Coming out can be a gradual process, you could start with the people you must trust to react well like close friends and work up to telling your family.

I think you'll be much happier when you can be yourself in all situations and get out there and meet girls. Give yourself a chance of happiness.

Original poster

HotChocolateAndACookie · 28/03/2014 22:35

She doesn't do this all the time. I really think she's trying to be helpful, in her own way.

OP posts:

PosyFossilsShoes · 28/03/2014 22:36

But completely relate to the desperately trying to make relationships work and ending up leading on men you are not attracted to at all simply because you want to be so much.

This, so much. I came out when I was 18 and was met with a barrage of "you haven't met the right man" / "it's a phase" / "you're just trying to be interesting" which made me, ever the people-pleaser, attempt to meet the right man for ages.

I was exactly in your position myself for a while, wanting to be straight, and I remember how awful it was trying to make myself straight through the medium of fucking unappealing men and wondering if straight women disliked it just as much.

Eventually I came out properly (as in NO PEOPLE, I AM THE ONE WHO TELLS YOU WHAT MY SEXUALITY IS AND NOT THE OTHER WAY ROUND KTHX) and then I met the right woman.

I wouldn't take the straight pill now if it came wrapped in a £50 note.

It gets better.

almondcake · 28/03/2014 22:39

OP, I would see coming out as a process not as a one off event. You have already come out online and now you are starting to consider who else to come out to. I think coming out to friends who you trust is a good idea.

Only tell your family when you feel ready to. Their opinion is not the be all and end all. You could have told many other people and spent more time with other gay people before you tell your family. Like an earlier poster, my parents were homophobic until my sister came out. Now they are not.

I am straight but have many lesbian friends. I think the gay community is a really positive one, and there are lots of things that you can join and take part in to make gay friends that are not all about bars. I'm not saying forget your old friends, but people benefit from having some friends they share common experiences with.

Original poster

HotChocolateAndACookie · 28/03/2014 22:41

I came out when I was 18 and was met with a barrage of "you haven't met the right man" / "it's a phase" / "you're just trying to be interesting"

You see, that's what I'm worried about too. I'm not stereotypical either - I'm really girly which I don't think helps much. I can picture my dad saying something similar along the lines of "you're just confused" or "you haven't met the right man yet". He's not homophobic...he just won't take things like this seriously.

OP posts:

Original poster

HotChocolateAndACookie · 28/03/2014 22:44

I know a young man who came out at school by jumping up in assembly and shouting he was gay no shit Sherlock and everyone accepted it.

Seriously, how do people do that? I am in awe at other people's confidence and how they can be so self assured.

OP posts:

HerGraciousMajTheBeardedPotato · 28/03/2014 22:58

But completely relate to the desperately trying to make relationships work and ending up leading on men you are not attracted to at all simply because you want to be so much.

This. Oh so true.

But are you sure you are gay? You don't say anything about being attracted to women, only about not being attracted to men. I was 25 before I knew I was hetero. It was really quite miserable not knowing. I wish there had been some one I could have talked to about it. It felt lonely and pressured.

TBH I think I'm neuter with slight leaning towards hetero. But even though I have not felt any attraction towards women in many years, I echo the PP who said that it could have been different had the right woman turned up, rather than the right man.

SongsOfInnocence · 28/03/2014 23:48

I came out at the grand old age of 27 to my (catholic, conservative, loving) parents. They had already known. It shook up their world view somewhat, it hasn't always been plain sailing but they still love me, and my partner too.

Most importantly, I can't even imagine anymore how I managed to live for so many years without being fully me. It is just exhausting. I am much happier now.

I read something interesting by Dan Savage today and thought it might encourage you:

www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=19138470

(The first Q/A)

Alternatively, if it all just seems too much right now, you could use your "otherness" to spur you on - I went to study abroad. One important reason for this was that it gave me an excuse to be far away from my family and small home town, and to have some space and time to figure out (and live!) my sexuality.

TheGinnerTakesItAll · 29/03/2014 00:02

This is a great project with lots of inspiring messages. You're not alone. www.itgetsbetter.org/

CailinDana · 29/03/2014 00:09

Isn't it bloody weird for people to have an opinion on something that has no impact on them whatsoever? I've had relatives discuss how "yuck" the things that gay people do are and I've just said "Gosh you think about that in a lot of detail!" Soon shuts them up.

My point is, you seem to agree with them that they should have an opinion on your private sex life and that thar opinion actually counts for something to the extent that you've put your life on hold due to it. If anyone tried to have an opinion on my sex life I would consider them to be extremely rude and odd. I certainly wouldn't entertain it.

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