To ask how you started working again if you had kids and DP earns much more than you

[girlwhowearsglasses]

Sorry long:
So I have 3 DCs - 7, 5, 5. Having twins means expensive childcare - so I haven't worked greatly since. I manage all paperwork for all DPs freelance work and workspace, and I do a bit of freelance myself, and am involved in some v rewarding voluntary stuff (boy does that expand to fit the time if you let it).

Kids all at school and I'm feeling undervalued, lost in the world, and finding it difficult to focus and motivate myself. I don't want to go PAYE as I like calling the shots, kids are in a normal school day, and I want to be quite flexible initially. I have a few different strings to my bow and I could pursue one and get ok paid work - but for myself and on my own, which has its advantages, but I also find quite lonely ( I can be quite an insular person - although many people in RL think I'm quite gregarious).

Anyhows an opportunity has come up to work freelance within a large group doing something interesting to me: although the pay is not what I would normally charge as a daily rate. I think this is a fair exchange actually as they will provide me with some training and experience I don't currently have and I'll make new connections.

Thing is, I can't ever hope to earn what DP does, no way. I don't know how this is going to work with us as regards balancing our family life. Me and my work is always going to be second fiddle on priority and time.... BTW DPs work is a vocation and he's very successful - so what he/we do and are interested in in our leisure time and friendships is an integral part of our life (I'll out myself if I explain more). I also feel my work is never going to be as 'interesting' as his. I used to work in same field but changed careers pre-DCs as it's very stressful and project led (he loves that).

How have you dealt with this?

Don't know about DLA - I doubt it. We haven't been diagnosed - waiting since Jan 7th for assessment date at CAMHS. I keep phoning and the paediatrician's referral definitely been accepted, we're on a waiting list.

Not married - together nearly 18 years.
We had virtually no money and a rubbish flat before DCs - fortunes changed and we could afford to have them.... so much has changed.

OP, I'm in a very similar position, in that we have 3 DC (one also SN!) and DH now earns much more than I possibly can, but I'm going back to work. Ironically, at the point I stopped work because of DC and DH's job, I was actually earning as much as him, but that would have stopped about then anyway -- I was already near the top of the range for my career while he was still on the way up.

I have wavered a lot on this as I go back to work, and it helps that my DH though generally a bit clueless about what is involved as a practical day to day matter is in theoretical agreement with me about a couple of basic points:

1. I have definitely done my fair share of sacrificing for my very DC and have NO REASON to feel guilty about going back to work
2. looking after the DC is NOT more my responsibility than his; even though I feel it more than he may and even though they often prefer me to him, the fact is they are NOT going to suffer from my going back to work
3. the whole point of DH being well-paid is that it frees me to think of myself MORE, not less, and to say: we can afford to subcontract anything we're willing to subcontract to nannies, cleaners etc, and I DON'T have to choose this job just because it's the best-paid: I'm allowed to choose the job that I think is most WORTH my energy. Point (4) is one I will only confess to my fellow-MNers, not to DH or DC or of course boss: my kids are older and I feel the time is right for me to resume some parts of my outside life, but my priorities have not changed. My children still matter more to me, I am not ambitious. If my going back to work doesn't work for some reason, I feel perfectly free to stop work again. But why not at least try? For one thing, I'm dying of boredom here.

Sorry too long -- see my energies need more tapping

Interesting and thanks for sharing CHJR

I know what you mean. I am never going to earn as much as DH. I got work as a bookkeeper but I started when DD was 9 months doing a few hours a week and built up adding more jobs and now both DC are at school I work 20 hours a week. I am lucky that I have free childcare in the holidays though (MIL and mum and DH split the time).

You do not need a diagnosis to apply for DLA, do have a read through the Cerebra guide. There is also a good forum called adders for adhd. www.adders.org

My husband works 5 times what I earn. I had a career break when my kids were small. DD is now 11 and twins 8. I do a part time admin role which isn't my dream but I like working and I've just been headhunted for a much better role at nearly my triple pay!

DH has always respected my work despite my lower pay. I do the brunt of childcare though as he works mental hours.

Sorry terrible typos - really long day!