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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think you should know where your kids are when they're out?

58 replies

boosterjuice · 25/03/2014 22:30

A local mum at the DCs' school has admitted that when her DCs (DS age 10, DD age 7) go on playdates she doesn't always know the other child's address, ie where her DCs are.

As it happens, this mum had to track her DS down yesterday after he didn't arrive home by ringing round the neighbours to find the other child's home then sending the babysitter out looking for him. (She'd gone out.) It was fine, the DS was only a mile away and had forgotten to come home under his own steam.

I tried to be polite, but last time I was there to drop something round, on a different night, the babysitter, their granddad, was fighting through the family's emails to find the address of where the DD was, when the mum went to collect her and realised she didn't know where she was.

I feel if I did this I'd look like an idiot if there was an emergency and I couldn't get hold of them. AIBU?

OP posts:

GertTheFlirt · 26/03/2014 07:06

I broadly knew where mine were.

'streetwise' children are rarely the ones who get into any bother or scrapes ... the mollycoddled ones on the other hand always seem to require some form of parental assistance. That carries right through life unfortunately

If I were a scientist I'd commission one of those studies to prove playing out creates a sense of independence and resourcefulness.

Taz1212 · 26/03/2014 08:30

At 7, yes, I wanted to know where my DC were. 10 is the sort of transitional age for me. We started giving DS a lot more independence at 10 and no, I didn't always know where he was. He's 11 now and I don't know the exact address for half his friends, though I do know which estate they are in. He has his phone on him and usually drops a text when he's found someone in to play with.

Stinklebell · 26/03/2014 08:44

At 7, yes, I did want to know where they were, but I have had the "shit, what's the address?" panic at pick up time when I realise I don't know where their friend lives

At 10, not so much. From 10 onwards (my eldest is now 12) I've given them more independence, they knock for each other, go over the park and each other's houses. DD has a mobile I can contact her on if I need to and will send a quick text to say 'going to X's after school' if she's not coming straight home or whatever. I don't know exactly where she is when she's out, most of the time

Ploppy16 · 26/03/2014 09:31

At 7 yes I did. Being able to go out without me knowing exactly where is for when they are older.and can be trusted to not wander off. DD1 is 8 and will play out on the street with friends but they have a kind of natural area that they play in that they don't leave iyswim, its one of those places that has been the place to play for generations and everybody watches out for all of the children.
As they get older they can go further. It seems to work. It's not mollycoddling imo, just common sense. yANBU

cory · 26/03/2014 09:37

In primary school I would expect to know where they are, whether at a friend's house or, as Ploppy says, roughly in what area. Yrs 5 and 6 represent some kind of transition for me, after that I would expect them to be more independent.

LtEveDallas · 26/03/2014 09:43

The only reason I always know where DD (8) is, is because most of her friends live a drive away, so I have no choice really.

When we move we are going to a village and I'm hoping she will have the upbringing I did - out in the morning and only back for food and wees!

At our caravan I might not see her for 6 hours at a time (although I can generally hear her!) - she knows not to go off site so she will be in or around 30 caravans. I reckon if I could find her if needed and most of the other parents are the same.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 26/03/2014 09:45

When DS was primary age then yes, I would always know the address of where his play date was.......if he went out from there then no, I probably wouldn't have known where he was

He is in year 7 now and has a buss pass.....so, if he was to get on a bus and go and see one of his friends (not that he does) then no I wouldn't know where he was but as long as he texts me every so often then no problem.

Feminine · 26/03/2014 10:09

DS (15) is allowed total freedom, goes to London (from Dorset) out at/overnight...this situation is after years of teaching about personal safety responsibility etc...

DS( 10) is allowed to roam the village. With friends, and a phone.

DD(5) is not allowed to go anywhere without me having kittens

But...as she gets older, I guess I'll let her be as her brothers are.

lola88 · 26/03/2014 10:10

If my 7 year old is going into someones house she has to come ask if she can go in the house, only if I know the parents well tbh, but for a play date I wouldn't have the exact address every time I usually know where they live (it's a village it's normal to ask where someone lives here) as long as I have the phone number I don't mind.

dunsborough · 26/03/2014 12:31

Yanbu. I feel I many have stepped into a parallel universe with this thread.

Nomama · 26/03/2014 13:00

dunsborough, I feel the same but for the opposite reason

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 26/03/2014 13:03

dunsborough, I feel the same - of course you should know where a 7 year old is. I don't know anyone who feels differently. The only kids of that age I see playing out around here are ones who live literally right next to the park, within shouting distance from their parents.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 26/03/2014 14:19

I have always known where my DCs are on playdates and sleepovers. I still make sure I know now and they are teenagers. Equally they know where I am and can contact me for help if they want to.Our mantra is, if we had to call the Police for some reason, how would it look if we didn't know where you are or who you are with.
this applies in our home too, I have always known in case we needed to go somewhere and had to collect them in a hurry, or contact the parents to let them know if they are someone's house. when they were younger I would know they were at a certain park but not actually which bit but always knew whose house they were going to it's not over parenting to know where they are. my Ds's have always thought it basic good manners to let us know where they are heading and roughly what time they might be in, especially as plans change, tis easier now with texts etc, they are 17 and 21 now and still follow this.

Cerisier · 26/03/2014 15:23

I am a fan of FindMyIphone. It means any of us can see where every other member of the family is at any time. Also we can see if phone batteries are getting low. It removes quite a bit of the worry, eg if I can't get hold of DD but see from FindMyIphone that she is at the cinema then I know why she isn't answering.

My DDs who are taking trains are 15 and 18- and have been trained/nagged about keeping in touch for years, like Feminine's DCs.

TheLastNameLeft · 26/03/2014 15:31

I'm with lessonsintightropes (interesting article you posted btw, thanks)

I'm from a generation where we were sent out with sandwiches all day every day over the summer holidays, no smart phones or any way of finding out where I was, just strict instructions to stay within the group I was with.

I let my youngest (nearly 11) out with her mates locally, she goes to one of two parks within half a mile, Im never 100% sure of where she is but she always comes home when told.

WorraLiberty · 26/03/2014 15:32

I don't know if I like the sound of that Cersier

I would have hated that as a young teen. It just sounds so intrusive, especially as having mobile phones means we can call home in an emergency.

creamteas · 26/03/2014 15:42

At 7, my DC would play out locally and I would know the general areas. They were supposed to let me know if going inside someone's house, but did not always do so.

So I have had the experience of knocking on doors to find them.

At 10, they were going further afield and I didn't expect to know exactly were they were. They were expected to answer mobiles when called though.

One of my DC's friends had parents who demanded a lot more information than I did. This often led to him lying continuously about his movements.

Mobiles of course make this so much easier as you can always say you are somewhere else. On one occasion, the parents called round as they had tracked his phone to my house. He had asked DS1 to look after it after he found out about the tracking. (DS1 was suitably punished of course).

pixiepotter · 26/03/2014 16:26

..and which group do the kids drinking in the park, vandalising bus stops, shoplifting and mugging, belong to do you think?

Original poster

boosterjuice · 26/03/2014 17:04

So a lively mix of opinions.... would you let your DC of 7 and 10 out without a mobile?

OP posts:

MexicanSpringtime · 26/03/2014 17:14

pixiepotter, being streetwise does not mean having no sense of right and wrong.

I brought my daughter up to be streetwise and she has never been drunk, let alone mugged anyone.

Jinsei · 26/03/2014 18:06

I'm staggered by all the people who think knowing where a 7 year old is counts as neurotic overparenting.

Me too, OP. DD is 9, I let her play out in the park with her friends, but I wouldn't be happy not knowing where she was. I don't know any other parents in RL who would allow primary age children out without knowing where they're going, either. Sorry, but I think it's irresponsible.

My mum always insisted on knowing where we were, even when we were in our late teens. We were allowed to do what we wanted, we just had to let her know who we were with, where we were going and what time we'd be back. I didn't feel stifled or mollycoddled - it was just common sense. And no, I didn't mug anyone, or get mugged..

pixiepotter · 26/03/2014 18:19

That wasn't the question.The question was do the feral kids belong to the group of parents who know where there kids are, or the group which doesn't.

GertTheFlirt · 26/03/2014 18:23

would you let your DC of 7 and 10 out without a mobile?

My 14yo doesnt have a mobile and my 19yo cant afford to maintain his. My 18yo never answers his. Mind you I never answer mine either. Unlike DH who is glued to the fecking thing

So exactly why do we need mobiles? If I want to track my children, I'd have had them micro chipped rather like my car.

GertTheFlirt · 26/03/2014 18:25

The question was do the feral kids belong to the group of parents who know where there kids are, or the group which doesn't.

Good one! The family down the road, who had lovely children when they were primary aged, I used to take out with mine. They had to phone in every 30 mins and say where they were. Then report home every hour on the hour. All four of them were excluded from secondary school by Y8 and tagged by Y10

PenguinDancer · 26/03/2014 18:26

For my DS aged 5 I would know where they are but couldn't give you an actual address. A mum's mobile number maybe...

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