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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say NO.

29 replies

RedandChecker · 25/03/2014 17:53

Me and my sister work together for a family run business. She has only recently started working there it's been hard, but it's another story.

She sent me a text message yesterday saying 'we need to discuss childcare for half term' I just replied with what do you mean?

She wanted to arrange childcare with me to balance it so I had her to DCs on her days and she had my DS on my days at work. I am recently pregnant and have suffered recurrent miscarriages and currently suffering anxiety plus other problems so I am seeing a consultant who has advised me to take it easy so I am not prone to stress. This would leave me with no break. Also I am awaiting a letter for my scan which will be in the half term so I cannot guarantee days yet.

I said to her, I am awaiting a hospital appointment and that I have arranged childcare for one day and after that I only have four working days during half term which I have said I will take as holiday to enjoy time with DS. He is four so is too young to attend any of our local holiday groups. Her eldest DC also fights with my DS a lot, calls him names etc and I do not want my DS spending the whole Of his half term with this environment. I want him To enjoy it.

I advised her to use the holiday groups and that she could claim it back on tax credits but she said it's not something she can afford until they paid it back. I didn't know what to suggest. She said to me that if that is what my plans are for half term she would 'let mum know' Hmm it made me feel like I was going to be in bloody trouble!

Just this evening she has text me at 5:30pm saying shit it's strike tomorrow can you have DC. I have been extremely stressed these last two days have big problems with DP and planned to take it easy just reading a book. If her DCs were well behaved it would not be a problem but I know this is just going to be an awful day and then back to work again. It is my first child free day in ages as I have my other DN every Wednesday on my day off.

How has she only just realised it is strike tomorrow.

Now if I say no I will be completely in the wrong and moaned about to mum Hmm FFS!! I don't even have an excuse apart from I just don't want to! Is this really unreasonable of me, I really don't know.

OP posts:
tumbletumble · 25/03/2014 17:56

This makes me feel glad I don't have a sister!

Of course you can say no if you like. But remember you might need to ask for her help with childcare in future.

YouTheCat · 25/03/2014 17:56

Not unreasonable. You've been told to relax and keep stress down.

It's her problem, not yours.

Angiefernackerpan · 25/03/2014 17:57

Yanbu. You are not responsible for her childcare. If you enjoyed looking after her dc every noew and again, fine, but I don't think it'd be fair on you for her to expect you to do it.

It sounds like you need to put your feet up and enjoy your free time!

CountessOfRule · 25/03/2014 17:58

Why does it matter if she does tell your mum? "No, I'm too pregnant and I can't cope" is totally fair enough.

phantomnamechanger · 25/03/2014 17:58

It's not unreasonable IMO, you are pg with a high stress pg due to your losses, you are working, you NEED some down time without being at her beck and call.

But I bet you get plenty of people telling you YABU and "it's famerlee innit" Grin

You do not have to justify your decisions - if you start saying yes every time now, it makes it harder to stop - she will assume you are her first port of call for childcare and you don't want to be dumped on when you are at home about to pop/getting to know newborn!

Be gentle but firm "sorry, i can't do that/we have other plans"

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 25/03/2014 17:59

Just say no. If she really feels that she needs to go running to your mum, just point out that your health and the health of your unborn child come before her being too lazy to make arrangements for the care of her child.
If her child is school age, is s/he able to go to work with your sister, since it's a family business?
Either way, your health is your main priority, not her convenience.
Stand firm! :)

girliefriend · 25/03/2014 17:59

Yanbu re Easter, your sister sounds quite entitled, I would never 'expect' anyone to look after dd and she shouldn't assume you would want to do shared care.

However re the strike day I am not sure, if the kids are well behaved and you have no plans I would prob say yes although be quietly annoyed Wink

shakinstevenslovechild · 25/03/2014 18:01

This is not something you need to get in the habit of doing, especially with summer coming up fast.

You are best to put your foot down firmly, try not to give into emotional blackmail, and hope you don't get grounded when she tells your Mum Grin

Yanbu at all.

UncleT · 25/03/2014 18:02

It sounds, quite simply, that you're not feeling up to it right now. There's no problem with that, and you should be honest about it.

sunbathe · 25/03/2014 18:04

You sound like the family go-to child carer.

Why do you have your other nephew on your day off?

When do you really get time off?

GertTheFlirt · 25/03/2014 18:05

Families help each other - but I understand you are somewhat under par and can't.

Just remember though, you might need her in the future.

Original poster
RedandChecker · 25/03/2014 18:08

Thanks for quick responses everyone!!

And bring on my side Wink ! However she doesn't know about the pregnancy, due the the MCs and lack
Of support afterwards I decided not to tell anyone until I know all is safe and well. So I am unsure how to respond for a justified reason.

It matter just because I am worried my mum will think I am not doing my bit for family or for work.

DC can't go with her to work because it is out of
Office on Wednesday.

And they are far from well behaved !

OP posts:
Original poster
RedandChecker · 25/03/2014 18:09

Sunbathe -

You are completely right my SIL books in her appointments on a Wednesday as she knows this is my day off!

OP posts:
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 25/03/2014 18:10

Why don't you just be honest with her and say, 'look, I'm sorry, I would help if I could but I'm under a lot of strain at the moment and really need time to myself on my days off'.
Good luck. I feel the same way.

MaxsMummy2012 · 25/03/2014 18:11

YANBU and if I were you I'd make up a little white lie, 'ooh sorry but I have plans tomorrow - meeting a friend, midwife app or some such thing'. She's a big girl and clearly needs to learn to organise herself and her kids not running to you to bail her out! Enjoy your rest.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 25/03/2014 18:12

But tell her you're pregnant- she will understand if you're honest

HeadfirstForTHiddy · 25/03/2014 18:12

Could you swap a shift with her so she looks after her own children tomorrow but you get Thursday or Friday off?

LaurieFairyCake · 25/03/2014 18:13

"I've got plans tomorrow, hope you find someone"

BlackeyedSusan · 25/03/2014 18:16

say you have been advised by your consultant that this is not possible and that she does not want to be responsible for the death of your baby.... (hard stare)

sorry for your losses. Thanks I hope this pregnancy goes well. you are not unreasonable at all to do as little as possible without feeling guilty. medical advice and all that. and it is family innit and she should be helping take the load off you rather than give you more to do.

CunfuddledAlways · 25/03/2014 18:20

just say your sorry you already have plans that you can't cancel tomorrow.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 25/03/2014 18:46

Nip this now- she seems to be working up to getting in in her head that now you're working 'together' for the family business, somehow childcare obligations are going to be part of that.

Say no. Make excuses until she gets it out of her head that you'll be the first port of call.

GandalfsBeard · 25/03/2014 19:19

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.
You're not a babysitting service!
Just tell your sister that you can't have her Dcs because you already have plans. Whether those plans consist of going out, shopping, seeing friends or simply reading a book and having a quiet day, it's nothing to do with her. It's also not really your mum's business, so try not to feel pressured in to doing it incase your mum thinks 'you're not doing your bit'.
I would definitely say no, but perhaps I'm just a meanie I don't think I am Grin

OlympiaFox · 25/03/2014 19:57

Tell her to sort out her own childcare, you're not responsible for her kids. You need to not care what other people think. If something doesn't work for you, don't be ashamed, guilty or apologetic to say so. Say no and let her know how inappropriate and rude it is for her to presume to tell you that you have to mind her kids. No apologies. No explanations or excuses. Just no as many times as it takes to get through to her thick, entitled head that your life is not going to be dictated by her childcare needs.

Mouthfulofquiz · 25/03/2014 20:05

Just say you already have plans... No need for any more detail than that. My SIL used to start texts like this: 'hi, what are you up to this weekend?'
I (gullible) would reply 'nothing really, what've you got planned?' (Hoping it would be a fun suggestion coming my way... Drinks, dinner, family BBQ....
Her: 'oh cool, if you're not up to anything, can you have the DC on Saturday pm?'

Oh crapbags. Gullible mouthful falls for it again. I have stopped all of that now by asking outright what she is suggesting, and having plans if I don't want to babysit the terrors.

HillyHolbrook · 25/03/2014 20:13

I have a cousin who is close in age with my sister. He was a nightmare as a child and was awful to DSis so we never looked after him and she never was sent to our aunts whereas I was older so he was okay with me and I would stay with my aunt all the time.

Just because they're family doesn't mean you have to look after badly behaved children. Especially not if one is awful to your poor DS.

You're a grown woman and sorted out your plans for your childcare and so should she. YWNBU if you said no to her, even if you weren't having such a hard time. If you're not up to it, she has to get over it, and if she reports you to your mother, remind her that you're grown ups and will do as you please and as is best for you and DS.