To be worried about leaving DW next week to work away?

[dancersdad]

Have nced. I'll try to keep it brief, 3 years ago DW was diagnosed with an eating disorder after coming out of an abusive relationship- we weren't together then but very close friends. She was in hospital for several months and finally recovered about 1 year later, but has had a few relapses since, thankfully all dealt with in early stages. Aside from these she has a few health problems remaining but mostly is fine. Before she was diagnosed and we were together I was working abroad on projects for a few weeks/months at a time, when DW and I got together and I was caring for her I took time off and was able to go back to work without travelling when she recovered.

Next week is meant to be my first time working abroad since DW was diagnosed, as it's temporary we will not be relocating, I will be away for 4 weeks and she will be here with 10 YO DD. When I agreed to this trip I was obviously concerned as this will be the first time I'll be away but as DW had been well for a while I thought it would be OK. However this week I've noticed the warning signs of a relapse and am worried that me being away for a long period of time might be enough to tip her over the edge. On the other hand, I know she wants me to go as this is a big part of my job I haven't been able to do in a long time, and I do wonder if perhaps she's worried about it now but it will all be fine when it happens. Not sure what to do really.

*couple of quid from amazon

sorry, tired.

Hi again. I really do understand the feeling that, if it goes wrong, you will be picking up the pieces, and that the past tells you that is what you will be doing in the future. Which is why trust is such a difficult issue, and as I say, you have to do it once, heart in mouth, and see what happens. For carers of those with eating disorders, and i guess those who care for alcoholics too, you have to trust that first time over and over again, in the knowledge that last time the person you care for was trusted, they were untrustworthy.

My experience, with a much younger sufferer, is that the point at which we decided to get our lives back, and give her responsibility, was the point at which things changed. But we had many years of distress before we felt able to take that step, as it felt as if we were abandoning dd to her demons.

The question for me is, does Dw want to get better, and does she want that badly enough to cope with the struggle she, and not you, will have every day with the eating disorder? And that struggle is not limited to the time you are away.

Thanks everyone for your advice, much appreciated. We've talked about it, DW has confessed she's anxious about me going but doesn't want to be the reason I don't go, so we're back to trying to get a support system in place so she's able to cope. Theo she does want to get better, I honestly don't think she wants to relapse. I think it's more of a case of struggling to be solely responsible for her own eating- that probably is partly my fault. It's difficult to retract when you know what's already in place is working and changing it could be catastrophic.

We've used b-eat before and found them helpful but not that book noodle, I'll look into it, thanks. I definitely wouldn't consider myself a 'rescuer', I do however appreciate it might look like that based on the information I've given on here. She is on medication, I'll look into deliveries.

That is really well put, Dancersdad. It is hard to change something that is working, but if its working because you take responsibility not her, it can only be a temporary fix. And being afraid of the consequences of changing it is, in the carers of those with eating disorders world, absolutely normal.

I don't think there is an easy answer for you, but what I can tell you is tha there is hope. My dd is doing ok, recovery is possible. Hang on to that.

I would agree with others on here that she has to take responsibility for herself. I am coming out of anorexia at the moment and am out of the danger zone weight wise, but I can feel the old compulsions still there at times.
I understand the need to monitor and rescue. My DH and two DDs, particularly my 14 year old, constantly nag me to eat. The problem is that you just get ever more manipulative and better at lying, better at compensating for the times you know you will have to eat. I know it's something I have to beat for myself, not something others can do for me.

I would get family to keep an eye on her general health but not try to get someone in to monitor her eating 24/7, or ask your DD to do it. Keep talking to her while you are away - about other stuff, not eating, and you will get a general feel for how she is doing. You can then work out how to intervene if you feel things are going pear shaped.
Good luck.