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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Difficulties with family member!

78 replies

YoureAShoe · 24/03/2014 12:41

I've had problems with this family member in the past. She seems to think my dd is her dd and doesn't like me being there when she sees her Hmm

On the first sunny day of the year (back in feb?) I told her about plans I had for the day she normally has off and sometimes has dd (8 months old) and invited her.

She got really pissy and told me she already had plans (hadn't told me) and she's still taking dd with her. I said we could talk about it that evening. But when I called her that evening and said you're still welcome but the place you have in mind is quite far and too expensive for me she said I knew she had plans and it's her special day with dd.
I said okay well let me know if you change your mind, didn't mean to upset you, etc.

Fast forward about 6 weeks and multiple ignored phone calls, texts and fb messages (I know but they were private messages!) and dd had an hospital appt (nothing serious just a scan under anaesthetic) so I texted family member to let her know how it went and she replied saying "ok can I have her tomorrow"

I was a bit Hmm so suggested we met up and she asked if she was having her on this day off anymore. So I just explained I wanted to spend as much time with dd as possible before she has her big op but of course we can meet up on her day off if love to see her! She replied saying it's not the same, we might as well collect the bits she's bought for her (a couple of toys and clothes) she hasn't seen her for 6 weeks because I've been withholding her!?!
I just said I'm sorry you feel that way and left her over the weekend to cool off.
Texted her this morning to see if she's free in the week at all and -surprise surprise- she's ignoring me. She's read the text, she's always texting and she always replies unless she's annoyed.
AIBU to go with my dd to meet up? Should I be giving her quality time (in her words she only want 6-8 hours a week alone with dd ) or should I stand my ground and wait for her to grow up?!

OP posts:
mymiraclebubba · 24/03/2014 16:13

Haha Harriet our mum's must have gone to same school of grandparent lessons!

pumpkinsweetie · 24/03/2014 16:46

One word that sums this woman up, is toxic.
She cannot control the situation so would rather not see her gc at all.. what a loon

Nennypops · 24/03/2014 17:11

Gave her different medicines without asking or telling us.

That's the bit that stuns me. It would never occur to me to give a baby medicine without asking the parents first - you don't know what they might be allergic to or whether it might react with another medicine they're already taking. Good grief!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 24/03/2014 17:28

Don't be surprised if she develops suspected heart/liver what ever problems or takes to her bed, I would also not be very surprised if you get a letter threatening you with legal action.

Ignore both she's being daft

bobot · 24/03/2014 18:12

She's called herself mum and you by your name? You think this is easily done?

I would not leave my children with this woman without being present myself, ever. My Grandmother was like this and it caused huge, lasting problems with relationships within the family.

WitchWay · 24/03/2014 18:24

My mum used to always get DS to do a "first" if ever she had him by herself - first rolling over, first particular sound etc etc. Half the time I think she was making it up for effect.

Corabell · 24/03/2014 19:47

YANBU !

She seems to see your child as a possession and you as an inconvenient gatekeeper! There is no way you are being unreasonable and I am shocked that she would give your child medicine and sugar water.

cozietoesie · 24/03/2014 20:33

I'd be guessing future heart problems, myself, Needs. Some of those can be quite 'difficult to diagnose'. (In fact, I'm surprised she hasn't discovered the advantages of being 'delicate' already.)

hamptoncourt · 24/03/2014 20:38

nah, you will have given her "depression" with all your selfish ways Grin. At least DP is backing you for now. Do not contact her first and make new ground rules if you do resume contact. I would be extremely reluctant to let her have any unsupervised access from what you have said.

Is there really no way for you to not move to 5 mins from her? Surely the opposite direction would be wiser?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 24/03/2014 20:41

Yep cozie the words suspected and "they think" will feature quite heavily all said in hushed tones with much flapping and frequent dramatic phone calls

Original poster
YoureAShoe · 25/03/2014 07:25

She finally replied late last night! Just saying 'no I'm busy this week'
I'm still just leaving it though. Oh god she already gets depression some times. I can imagine we'll be getting phone calls telling us it's gotten worse because of us!

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 25/03/2014 07:41

You don't get depression sometimes. You are either suffering from depression or you aren't. She could have depressive episodes as part of depression but if she's merely saying she's 'depressed' when really she's just a bit down and is using it as a way to manipulate you, then she's a massive twat.

I wouldn't bother contacting her until she can be reasonable.

Original poster
YoureAShoe · 25/03/2014 08:35

That's what I always said cat you can't just get depressed from time to time, you might have days/weeks that are harder than others but her last time it was bought on by my pregnancy! That's hardly something unsettling for her!

OP posts:
alemci · 25/03/2014 08:37

is your mum in law on her own? Perhaps she is lonely but she is definitely using emotional blackmail and it is not on.

londonrach · 25/03/2014 08:41

Simple she's you child so you go with her when she visits. Don't leave your child alone with mil again as it sounds very unsafe for your child

ENormaSnob · 25/03/2014 08:57

Shes a fucking freak.

youarewinning · 25/03/2014 09:08

Is it wrong to Laugh that so many people guessed it's MIL and were right?!

YANBU but sometimes I think the MIL can feel like they will get less time with DGC because the DM will go to her DM iyswim? This may be some very warped and totally inappropriate way to make sure she feels like she gets an equal part taking in DCD life?

But of course it's not about her and she's a total loon which is obvious from her actions. Grin

Original poster
YoureAShoe · 25/03/2014 09:21

She's definitely not alone! She lives with BIL who is still in school, and FIL. It makes me so angry that she probably thinks she's right to stop seeing dd!

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 25/03/2014 09:28

Stay tough. Don't initiate contact with her - and I'd recommend a lukewarm response to anything she does together with rigid adherence to your own rules about your child.

Corabell · 25/03/2014 09:44

It's not that she doesn't get to spend enough time with her dgc it's that she wants exclusive time on her own with an 8 month old to the point of specifying 6-8 hours. It's the fact that she wants to exclude the mother that makes her unreasonable.

Cocolepew · 25/03/2014 09:53

Theres no way shes accidentally calling herself mum and you by your name. My MIL tried it a few times, and my mum who saw much more of DD, she looked after her while I worked , never did it.

AngelaDaviesHair · 25/03/2014 11:28

What Corabell said. That's it in a nutshell.

Koothrapanties · 25/03/2014 11:38

Sounds to me like she wants to play mummy with your dd. I wouldn't be having any of it!

alemci · 25/03/2014 11:55

what does your fil think. can you get him onside or is she the matriach type?

how about her own son. not nice for him either

bubblegoose · 25/03/2014 13:43

You just know she's going to be telling all and sundry that you are preventing her from seeing her precious grandchild.

I think you should enjoy this peaceful period of no contact.

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