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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Difficulties with family member!

78 replies

YoureAShoe · 24/03/2014 12:41

I've had problems with this family member in the past. She seems to think my dd is her dd and doesn't like me being there when she sees her Hmm

On the first sunny day of the year (back in feb?) I told her about plans I had for the day she normally has off and sometimes has dd (8 months old) and invited her.

She got really pissy and told me she already had plans (hadn't told me) and she's still taking dd with her. I said we could talk about it that evening. But when I called her that evening and said you're still welcome but the place you have in mind is quite far and too expensive for me she said I knew she had plans and it's her special day with dd.
I said okay well let me know if you change your mind, didn't mean to upset you, etc.

Fast forward about 6 weeks and multiple ignored phone calls, texts and fb messages (I know but they were private messages!) and dd had an hospital appt (nothing serious just a scan under anaesthetic) so I texted family member to let her know how it went and she replied saying "ok can I have her tomorrow"

I was a bit Hmm so suggested we met up and she asked if she was having her on this day off anymore. So I just explained I wanted to spend as much time with dd as possible before she has her big op but of course we can meet up on her day off if love to see her! She replied saying it's not the same, we might as well collect the bits she's bought for her (a couple of toys and clothes) she hasn't seen her for 6 weeks because I've been withholding her!?!
I just said I'm sorry you feel that way and left her over the weekend to cool off.
Texted her this morning to see if she's free in the week at all and -surprise surprise- she's ignoring me. She's read the text, she's always texting and she always replies unless she's annoyed.
AIBU to go with my dd to meet up? Should I be giving her quality time (in her words she only want 6-8 hours a week alone with dd ) or should I stand my ground and wait for her to grow up?!

OP posts:
Original poster
YoureAShoe · 24/03/2014 13:10

I think she likes to play mum. She's only in her forties (both young mums) threw a hissy fit when I was pregnant about making her feel old?! Shock And she's slipped up calling herself mum and me by my name loads - but I let that go because it's easily done.

She took her to get her fitted for a car seat once because she thought I was endangering her keeping her rear facing until 4yo (oh the irony!)

OP posts:
BurningBridges · 24/03/2014 13:11

Sorry cross post, I see the back story now, so definitely, you need to put a stop to it. Well done for standing up to her this time.

cozietoesie · 24/03/2014 13:12

Ah - if it's your MIL, it's not quite so bad. Although bad enough.

You have to set some boundaries for her - stick to your guns.

Original poster
YoureAShoe · 24/03/2014 13:14

Sorry Grin didn't want to put MIL in op because I know some people would just see it as mil bashing!

OP posts:
pumpkinsweetie · 24/03/2014 13:14

It's not odd she wants to take your daughter out, but it is very odd and unreasonable she expects it and not only that, expects it all
the time and doesn't listen or even ask if you have plans of your own.

I think it's rather strange when a friend or family member gets obsessed with taking someones small baby out without the parents being involved. It's rather much like she is trying to take over. Maybe she pretends to strangers your baby is hers?

Floralnomad · 24/03/2014 13:15

Having read your last posts ,you are definitely doing the right thing ,infact you are being way more reasonable than I would be ! at least your DH is sensible and backing you up.

mymiraclebubba · 24/03/2014 13:15

You are not alone OP!! In my case it is my mother though so even worse!!

My mum throws a wobbler every time I disagree with her wrt to my dd (7mo). She threw an almighty strop the day I brought dd home from hospital because I refused to let her bath dd - how fucking unreasonable was I to want to give my first baby her very first bath?!

I have had to out my foot down hard with mum, and have gone nc several times to prove my point. From dd being 3 days old mum has insisted I should leave her alone with dd and go shopping, out with friends etc. She hates that i say no.

Stand your ground hun!! She needs to learn boundaries

OnlyLovers · 24/03/2014 13:16

Giving her chocolate and purées when we were giving just finger foods and hadn't tried chocolate yet. Gave her different medicines without asking or telling us. Gave her sugary water in an unsterilised bottle after we said no when dd was about 3 months.

Shock

Definitely stick to your guns, OP! Who does she think she is?

I really don't understand this desire on the part of relatives to have time with people's DCs on their own. I've only ever come across it on MN. Can anyone explain it? Not trying to be provocative, just genuinely would like to hear the other side of this issue.

Notfootball · 24/03/2014 13:17

FIL was like this, not wanting me around, then trying to write me out completely. Haven't seen him in 2 years, best 2 years in my parenting life.

RoaringTiger · 24/03/2014 13:18

She's wants you out the picture so she can play mum, my Bil was the same-doesn't respect you as a parent at all. Worst thing is they'll bleat on 'it's about the child' it's not at all, it's about them and their need to be more important than you. Bil thinks it's okay to pick up and drop my kids whenever he wants, let's them down constantly but then gets pissed with me if I enforce my rules on my children and will use it as an excuse as to why he lets them down. Apparently he let our eldest down on her birthday because I don't let him play with them, and am always critisising him.....yep it was nothing to do with the fact that he was so pissed out his head at 6am in the morning (knowing he had a 4 hour drive to come see the kids) ringing dp to say he wouldn't see him again cos he's going to jail.....nope nothing to do with that it's all me!

Leave her to stew ynbu

alemci · 24/03/2014 13:24

are you very close as a family?. is it an extended family living together thing. do they have strings on you financially?

my dps and in laws helped and offered advice but wouldn't dream of taking over. they are your dcs not theirs and I wouldn't have put up with it.

EEatingSoupForLunch · 24/03/2014 13:26

Sometimes I get fed up that we don't have family to give us a break - then I read posts like yours and feel fortunate! YANBU OP, the interfering with food and car seats alone would drive me crazy. And I don't believe the calling herself mum is accidental for one moment. Stand your ground, you need to give her some boundaries. It sounds like your DP understands the situation, maybe he can have a word?

Original poster
YoureAShoe · 24/03/2014 13:27

My in laws are the kind of family where someone is always going no with someone else! It's unusual for me as we talk to everyone in my family even if we don't like them Grin

I'm going to leave it with her, we live a 20 minute walk from her house and in a few weeks were moving to a house that's less than 5 minutes away from her!

She has never visited dd at our house, which I didn't notice until this all started. She's picked her up from here once but never come and visited.

OP posts:
Original poster
YoureAShoe · 24/03/2014 13:29

EE he already talked to her, he tried calling her Saturday morning as well to see if he could just come over and see her without me and she didn't answer her phone or call back. She's very immature. Plus, she never had a daughter, only boys! But that doesn't mean she can have my dd!

OP posts:
AngelaDaviesHair · 24/03/2014 13:31

Well, in your shoes I would capitalise on this sulk! Let her stew, stop contacting her, she knows where you are and can get in touch when she's ready.

RoaringTiger · 24/03/2014 13:31

Whether she likes it or not you and your dh are the parents, if she wants to spend time with your child she should respect your family and your rules.

plainjanine · 24/03/2014 13:39

She sounds toxic to me. Have you seen the stately homes thread?

Backtobedlam · 24/03/2014 13:40

She sounds unhinged! If she genuinely cared about your dd at all she would make an effort to get along with you, and would surely rather come on trips out together than not see dd at all?! As a grandparent the odd time on her own with her granddaughter might be nice , but expecting and demanding that this is the only contact she wants is just plain weird.

Original poster
YoureAShoe · 24/03/2014 13:46

plainjanine Not in detail, my family were relatively normal so never needed to look!

OP posts:
AngelaDaviesHair · 24/03/2014 14:19

Her actions suggest control is more important than contact. Which is not a factor that would encourage me to hand over lots of lone access to my child.

Poppy67 · 24/03/2014 14:23

She is a psycho .... Stand firm now otherwise age will eat you alive

Original poster
YoureAShoe · 24/03/2014 15:58

Spoke to DP just now and he said it's up to her now but we're not going to contact her until she contacts us now. I almost don't want her to contact us, she is the root of so many problems!

OP posts:
harriet247 · 24/03/2014 16:07

miraclebubba ummm are you me?!? Exact same thing happened to me almoat word for word!

Yanbu OP! I hate when family try to hustle you away from your own baby!

Corygal · 24/03/2014 16:08

Blimey. Nutter.

Mind you, it never to ceases to amaze me how half the MIL posts on MN are about gallivanting grannies who don't give a fack about their GCs, and half bewail bunny-boiling loons who are trying to kidnap the kids.

cozietoesie · 24/03/2014 16:10

If she's in a real sulk it might last a (blissfully) long time. Just be warned that these fits of petulance can sometimes become so set that the only way for someone to get out of them (if you don't cave and come blubbing for forgiveness - which is what she'll be hoping for) is for them to have an 'episode'. Be prepared for the sudden palpitations and dash to A&E at 3 in the morning!

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