to ask you how you found inner courage?

[waitandsee]

Try to keep this brief. I struggled horribly after the birth of my first baby, who is now 2. Struggled in that I spent most of the days for the three months following the birth feeling desperately lonely and sad, cried constantly and generally didn’t function very well. I had sailed through my pregnancy, had a straightforward birth, baby (DD) was healthy, didn’t struggle with breastfeeding – so no reason for my behaviour, which I felt very ashamed of.

Part of my problem (I think) is that I desperately wanted to put my DD on some sort of sleep/feeding routine but, because I was breastfeeding any HV or midwife I mentioned this to said I couldn’t/shouldn’t. And because I am the sort of person who needs constant reassurance that I am doing the right thing, and hates being “told off” I wanted to do as I was told, even though the voice in my head was screaming to just go ahead and try without their approval. I also constantly, constantly compared myself to all other mums around me, and would find myself lacking which really didn’t help. (Facebook has a lot to answer for!).

After much soul-searching and some honest discussion with my GP, we decided to try for another baby, and I am now 23 weeks pregnant with DC2. I promised myself that this time round I would have courage in my own convictions to do what was right for both baby and myself – whether that be breast or bottle feeding, sleep routines or not. However, I don’t know how to put this into place when the time comes. I have already had a phonecall from a HV wanting to arrange a home visit in a few weeks’ time (they are offering me extra support through this pregnancy) and during the course of the call she asked me if I was planning on breastfeeding, whether I had breastfed my first child, how long for and so on. I felt all the old emotions come rushing back, and this desperate need to give her the answers I thought she wanted rather than the honest answers that I thought were best for me. And if I feel like this now, how will I feel when I am knackered, exhausted and hormonal after the baby arrives?

I am not looking for advice on how to feed my next baby, or indeed on the perils or merits of sleep routines. I really want some honest advice on how people have found the courage to go their own path without approval or validation from others that they are doing the ‘right thing’, especially from those who might have struggled to do this in the past.

Sorry this has been so long - I would really appreciate any responses

Thanks all for your responses, a lot of food for thought. It's really helped so thank you x

Surround your self with positive upbeat people who boost you up rather then put you down. Ditch the people who make you feel crap. Trust your instincts, always, you often just know when something is not quite right or if it is working well.

Don't do guilt or regret. Make a good account to yourself of why you do or have done things a certain way and then crack on.

Always always remember that all DC's are different and all parents are different. What comes highly recommended and works fantastically for your friend may be a complete disaster for you, this does not make you a bad parent it just makes you different from your friend. Similarly if your friend thinks that some of the things that you do are 'all wrong' but it works for you, don't worry and refer to paragraph 2!

Having said all that, don't be afraid to listen to advice, but do remember you don't have to take it no matter who it is from. Sometimes among all of the advice will be a tip or two that will be invaluable to you so keep and open mind.

My tipping point came a few days after birth when a MW basically 'told me off' in my own bedroom!! I decided that I wasn't putting up with that again and became quite thick skinned.

Sometimes you have to fake it until you make it.

I didn't have a routine for dC's 1 and 2 but did for DC's 3 and 4. It suited my personality and helped me fit feeds round school runs. I sat down before the births and worked out when I needed to be out of the house. I think I pencilled in a BF about an hour and half before that and then fitted in others at 3 hourly ish intervals (to start with) then 4 hourly.

It worked really well. I loved being able to plan and avoiding that trapped on the sofa for hours feeling. I still had lots of milk and managed to pump and freeze milk most days.

I didn't feel there was any criticism though (finally getting to your main issue - sorry) probably because I already had 2 children and people assumed I knew what I was doing.
Trust yourself, smile broadly and practise saying 'It works beautifully for us'.

My dh said all I had to worry about when the baby came was to keep both dc happy, and to take it as it came. This way there is no pressure and stress as you don't have to do anything particularly, just feed or play or cuddle as the situation arose.

The plan is - there is no plan:) it makes it much easier. How are you going to cope? Baby arrives, bf if you want, if not then ff, bung on cbeebies for fractious toddler, drink tea eat biscuits. Go to park or baby group. Ignore pfb mums:) play with toddler and watch/ bf sleeping baby. That was my plan frankly.

You are being quite hard on yourself. Its ok to say " when the baby comes he/ she will tell me what they want" and I'm open to that. I think you tell yourself it will be fine. And it will be, because you want it to be. Even if you are up all night and still being woken by a hungry toddler at 6, then baby wants a feed etc, its ok, because that's what they do.

My hv was a bit weird tbh, and had some interesting views on child care, like leaving a newborn from 7 at night til 7 in the morning to teach them to sleep. You didn't go in even if they screamed apparently:) I just nodded and smiled and ignored her:)

The difference for me between dc1 and 2 was probably that I has discovered mumsnet! You can't please the HVs etc or pass the test you are setting yourself - you could see two different HVs and they would both have two different opinions (as threads on here show).
I didn't have a good time during ds1's first year, and I was concerned when having dc2 - but there was no comparison. This time round I was already a mother; and I think that was the real boost to my confidence and feeling that I could do things my own way.

And because I am the sort of person who needs constant reassurance that I am doing the right thing, and hates being “told off” I wanted to do as I was told, even though the voice in my head was screaming to just go ahead and try without their approval.

I think it would be helpful to spend a few sessions talking to a counsellor about this.

It sounds like this is your normal way of operating but usually it doesn't become a problem. But after having a baby, tiredness and a bit of PND can make things like this a much bigger issue to deal with.

It does sound like you were a bit depressed too?

Read this article
www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/shouts/2014/03/new-parenting-study-released.html

On a more serious note, a book I found helpful is "A Woman in Your Own Right" by Anne Dickson. Here is a short description of it: "The author describes how you can learn to assert yourself and how calmly to stand up for yourself and make your point. She shows how you can train yourself to be more assertive, to try out and practice new ways of dealing with others, to choose your behavior rather than just react."

I'm a natural people pleaser and it affected my whole life until I did my counselling training and realised that nothing is more crippling than personal guilt. I'd second having a chat to a counsellor or looking at the excellent book recommended above. I also agree that avoiding negative toxic people helps.

Unplug from social media

Get rid of HV.( my one was an awful, unhelpful one too! Where do they get them? )

Say over and over to yourself:
"waitandsee" is a good enough mummy.
"Waitandsee" knows what she's doing.
"Waitandsee" is getting the hang of this.

Etc

I know saying these things is very woo, but they do work, especially if you find yourself doubting yourself - just substitute these thoughts for the old negative ones.

Congrats on your pregnancy, and hope everything goes easily and joyfully for you all!