to feel I'm wasting my time being a good parent because exH is the opposite?

[PuffyPigeon]

Dd is 7, exH and I have been separated since I was pregnant. Since September we arranged he'd collect dd from school on her weekends with him. He does so but doesn't do homework, spellings or reading book, nor empty or clean her lunch bag. Her spelling test is on Mondays and she gets 6/6 when she's been with me and usually 2/6 when she's been with him. Simple homework which would usually take 5 mins takes up to 45 because she is whingey and sulky about having to do it on a Sunday evening. She cries if I say we won't do it as she doesn't want to be the odd one out at school.

Every time he's returned her he's forgotten at least one thing - like her school shoes or coat - and sometimes her entire uniform. It's too expensive to have double everything.

I emailed him a couple of months ago now asking him to ensure he returns all belongings, empties and cleans lunchbox (it's had to be replaced a few times as he leaves it to congeal in hot car) and does homework etc. I also Pointed out that dd is becoming overweight and could he please watch what she eats there, without making her conscious of the fact. She mentioned a few times that she helps herself from his cupboards, had eaten a multipack of crisps etc.

Since then he's taken to weighing her on the Friday, telling her she's lost weight then allowing her to eat what she likes for 'a treat.' Today she had a fry up for breakfast, crisps and chocolate mid-morning, a large adult meal with milkshake from McDonalds for lunch and cake and fizzy drink before returning. Every day she's with him is similar. Cue tonight her refusing a meal she'd usually enjoy because it's too healthy and crashing and being unable to do her homework because of all the sugar. I know the next few days will be filled with her whining for food because she's been so full over the weekend and tbh, I'm thoroughly fed up of doing all the hard work for him to undo it, to the detriment of dd.

He thinks that because he only has her eow her eating won't impact her weight if she eats healthily when with me. He doesn't get that he's teaching her awful food habits, not to mention the fact that he lets her watch tv/play computer games the majority of the time to the point where she's so lazy that even getting her to walk to school is a battle.

Aibu to feel that every good thing I do for dd is undermined by him and that theres nothing I can do about it?

Lets get real!
Eating junk food and watching TV for 2 days out of 14 would not make her fat and lazy!!Making a 7 yr old learn spelling is not 'bad parenting'.Damned sensible if you ask me.And as for the lunch box thing, I regularly find lunchboxes a week old or more, but the dishwasher sterilises them it's no big deal.

pixiepotter the average recommended calorie intake for a 7 year old girl is 1530 cal per day. If the OP's DD is having an adult McDonalds meal with a soft drink then that's probably around 1000 cal, add in breakfast and lunch plus unlimited snacks, then she could easily overeat by 2000 cals per day.

I think it's only around 3500 calories over your needs to gain a pound so the DD could easily gain a pound more than she needs to every single she is with her father. Over the course of a year that adds up to 26 pounds or almost 2 stone, which is a hideous amount of easily avoidable extra weight.

The only way the OP can counterbalance that is by being positively draconian on her diet for the rest of the fortnight, so absolutely no snacks, no trips out for meals, no food related fun at all for the person parenting 12 days out of 14.

OP I have thought of something on the spelling. For DS I write out his spellings then test him on them in the car to and from work, as a short term compromise this could work on the way to school on the Monday to hopefully boost her score a wee bit.

What about him having her from hometime Friday till dropping off time Monday? Then he would have to take on the responsibility of washing her lunchbox, making her a lunch, doing homework, etc.

Or I would tell him that he either accepts he is a parent and takes on that responsibility, or overnight contact stops and he can take you to court if he's unhappy with that.

It's a total pisser that you should have to do ALL the weekend parenting in any snatched ten minutes on Friday/Monday just to make up for your useless ex.

OP, that's a terrible position to be in. He is a total plonker, and not looking after your DDs interests.

Does your DD enjoy the time spent with him ? Would she feel she is missing out if you changed contact to Sat morning? Could he drop her to school on Mon rather than collect on Fri?

With the homework on Sun, since your DD wants to do well on Mondays test, can you set expectation that if she makes a fuss that the homework will be put away again, and she won't be prepared for the test. That you are not going to listen to whinging and fussing, either settle down and do it or else don't do it.
I had terrible time with DD2s homework on occasion, and have success with this approach. She always chooses to do it. The key to this is to be consistent.

Regarding the food, don't cut out all treats. Perhaps allow one small treat a day? Otherwise she will crave rubbish even more.

If your DH is obese, have you ever had discussions with your DD about his weight and it being caused by unhealthy food? Could you have a discussion that Dad doesn't make good food choices?

Rookie he maintains contact because he enjoys the attention he gets from/because of dd. He has the bare minimum to make it seem he's contributing to parenting without taking on any responsibility. His parents would fund him taking me to court because they love dd (but are firmly loyal to him) so it'd require little effort on his part, but gain lots more attention that he'd relish.

Solid the uniform and homework do distress her as she has SN and hates anything that picks her out as different. Him keeping her tie and boots for example, can lead to her crying all morning and being difficult to get to school because she worries she will get in trouble.

Gatorade I've asked that he has her until Monday so he has that responsibility but he refuses.

Mom she doesn't mention him at all between contact. He purposely makes her feel she's missed out there by saying her favourite cousins have visited/they've been on holiday/the circus or fair have been in town while she's been with me. It's mean. I have said to her he doesn't make healthy food choices and he went mad saying I was calling him fat, I said it's factual that he is not a healthy weight as a result of not making healthy choices or having healthy weight related habits such ascconstant weighing/gorging/dieting which he's passing on to dd. He doesn't give a shit tbh.

Puffy if his parents love DD is it worth approaching them? Not in a oh how terrible he is, but in a concerned about DD's weight, homework and uniform, and what to do for the best.

They won't talk to me rookie, he's told them he'll cut his and dds contact with them if they do. He stopped seeing dd for six months or so a few yrs back and I wrote to them offering that they could visit her, I could take her there, they could take her for tea, they could write to her and vice versa. I was ignored

What a vile man . What made him cut contact? Any chance you could use a similar tactic to put him off again.

I'm all for DCs having contact with both parents, but from what you describe it's hard to see what positive benefit DD gets from spending time with him.

He was drinking heavily; dd told me he'd fallen asleep in the garden, fallen down the stairs etc so I stopped contact. He ended up knocking himself unconscious when drunk and now doesn't drink much at all.

Is your DD able to access any counselling because of her SN or can you arrange any through her school? That might be helpful for her. IT can also be used as means of demonstrating that DD has 'issues' because of her father's parenting, which might be useful later.

I'm sure this will lead to shouts of over-reaction from some posters, but this all seems quite sinister to me. It's like he's purposely trying to sabotage her life in order to get one over on you. It's not a popular view but I think totally inadequate parenting should be factored into the need to have supervised contact in a not too dissimilar way to abuse. This man isn't putting his DD's best interests first and as such is not fit to parent her. Providing your DNA should not give you rights over the life of another human being when it is plainly obvious that you are blighting that person's life rather than nurturing it.

I'm not sure what you can do about it OP, because unless you can document evidence in such a way that shows he is harming her despite being advised to behave in a different way, I doubt very much the courts would take you seriously.

If it were me, however, I'd get clued up on the legals and deal with him in a way that implies you know you'd win if you went to court and with that threat in place arrange contact in a manner that you can live with.

That's precisely it, he is a blight on her life but because he contributed DNA and now is EA (I think) to dd, Making her insecure and needy despite treating her poorly, he gets to continue to do so. I'm not daunted by court at all and he knows that which is why he hasn't taken that step I expect. I'd stand up for everything I believe to be true and if the court gave him the same contact he has now then at least I could tell dd I tried to help as best I could.

That's actually a worthwhile consideration. It's not always possible to protect our DC from everything. When that is the case it helps us and them to know that we did everything humanly possible to protect them, even if it didn't work.

Good luck.