Not going to see MIL on Mother's Day?

[Doingakatereddy]

Apologies for getting in on the whole Mother's Day angst.

First off, I don't like my MIL. It's not an all consuming dislike but I'm tired of trying, sick of waiting on her hand and foot & try to just keep the peace. But...

DH wants me to go to hers on mother day with our two DC for a few hours, so we can give her flowers etc

I'd rather not go. She's not my mother (mine is AWOL), she does next to nothing to help me & I'm with the kids full time so actually few hours to myself not cleaning, ironing etc would be bliss. AIBU?

YANBU.
It is your mothers day too, and you should not have to go to see your husbands mum if you really don't want to.
As long as you don't stop your DH going I can't see any harm in your idea at all.

ProlificPenguin - are you saying people should always play happy families for the sake of their children?

I last saw my MiL at a family meal out for her 80th birthday. She turned 84 last week.
Meh

prolificpenguin that's a big statement to make - you have no idea why my mother is AWOL. It's certainly not my fault.

On the 'just one day' comments I'd say this: we see her on kids b'days, on DH's birthdays, Easter, fireworks, bank holidays, Xmas, new year. It's NEVER just one day.

I would really like one bloody annual event that didn't need to involve her. Yes she is DH's mum but that role has passed somewhat, selfishly I think the role to acknowledge now is mine as a mum.

You're the mum, and the day should be about you.

When I was a child, Mother's Day was all about my mum, because she was the mother who was doing the active parenting at the time. We didn't visit either of my grandparents on Mothering Sunday, because it was my mum's day. It was the day she was treated to whatever she wanted etc etc...

Now I'm the mother doing the active mothering and Mothering Sunday is my day and we do nice things as a family that I would like. We do not go visiting parents on this day, for they are not actively mothering any more. (Tend to drop in a card / flowers before). Equally, I have never visited my grandmothers on this day (as a child or adult).

When my daughters become mothers, then it will be their day. I will not expect to see them on Mothering Sunday, for it will be their day to do as they choose.

I don't get why people have to go visiting on Mothering Sunday once you become a mother. If you include grandparents, then you could end up visiting your mother, does she go visiting hers? Then your MIL does she visit her mother and MIL? when my DD was first born, we both had mothers and grandmothers still alive, so should we have visited all 4 people on Mothering Sunday, even though they live in different towns? No, the whole thing gets out of hand if you do that. So when I became a mother, it was my day to do as I choose for a few short years, until my daughters become mothers, and so the mantle passes on...

Can't you simply explain to your DH you'd like to relax & have some 'down time, while he has a nice day with his mother?' Its Mothers Day. You are a Mother. You haven't said that you've asked him.

We have two mothers days in our house. yesterday I had both our mothers over. we cooked a lovely roast, little presents etc.
Next week it is MY day and neither will be visited.

my son is only 2 but I made this clear from the start!!!!

k

''Mother's Day was all about my mum, because she was the mother who was doing the active parenting at the time''

this. THIS!

has clarified it for me perfectly. thank you :) ''the active parenting''

Since being a mum myself its always felt odd/wrong rushing around (even more than usual) on mothers day trying to please my own mother plus MIL when its meant to be my day ... when their life's pretty easy going year round since their kids (me and DH) have left home years ago.

So, as of 10 mins ago, i feel better about this years plans to drop some flowers to my mums on the saturday, pop a card in the post to MIL (2 hours away) and relax and let my kids spoil me on sunday

Don't go, mine text the DH yesterday to remind him to send flowers but not on the day as she's away haha, what she doesn't know is it's usually me that sends her gifts not him because he can't be arses, and given I'm due to be induced this week it's not been top of either of our minds

You have your Mother's Day at home with your lovely kids

I love the active mothering concept and will be adopting this henceforth!!

Penguin - we can't all live the martyrdom life, to be frank life's too short to be pushed around by people you don't like

if you dont like your MIL then the feeling is probably mutal so don't go you both get what you want bit of peace and quiet mil sees her son and grandchildren and you get your afternoon off,

Do what you like, it's your Mother's Day too!

''Mother's Day was all about my mum, because she was the mother who was doing the active parenting at the time

Yep this is how we saw it too.

Our Nan (mum's mum) was always more concerned about helping us make something for mum not about herself - even though I'm sure mum would have given her a card etc....

Not sure my MIL would agree with that philosophy. DH's side don't have any of the selflessness of my mum's family. Any opportunity to be Queen bee for a day will be seized upon

So you have no relationship with your DM nor MIL? What message is this giving your DC's?

That as an adult you get what you give? That you can't treat people like dirt and then expect them to foster a relationship with you simply because of your title? That you ought to, and it is possible to, extricate yourself from negative or abusive people, no matter who they are?

I am sure she would also much rather you didn't go, giving her free reign over the DC;s without you there.

Your DH probably wants you to go simply to help break the ice..

If your happy to be alone for a few hours, perfect!

That you ought to, and it is possible to, extricate yourself from negative or abusive people, no matter who they are?

^ YY

Personally I don't do Mother's Day (for me) as I don't like made up holidays ,however YANBU to not go to see your MIL anytime ,if you don't like her don't go ,if its anything like my MIL she probably will be pleased because she probably doesn't like you either . I've not seen my MIL for 16 yrs its bliss and my children know exactly why I don't see her and understand it .

If any visit is actually related to Mothering Sunday as in that's why your visiting,why on earth would you be visiting someone who is not your mother?

Your husband is a grown up he's perfectly ok to visit his mother without you.

this sounds like exactly the situation i'm in at the moment. I think DH is going to take the kids to see MIL next weekend now so we can have a day as a family without her butting in and trying to undermine. I have refused to go for a meal with her.

I'm not even that bothered about mothers day, just know i definitely don't want to spend another one with the MIL!!!

Personally I don't do Mother's Day (for me) as I don't like made up holidays

Its not a made up Holiday its on the Church Calendar .Like Christmas and Easter.

Not to be picky but Mothering Sunday is on the church Calendar ,not Mother's Day , they just happen to be on the same day . If people wish to recognise the religious aspect they would be sending Mothering Sunday cards not Mother's Day cards . BTW I'm an atheist so don't do any church holidays .

YANBU, I actually love my MIL but I'm hoping that on Sunday after we go out for a meal for Mother's Day that DH and DD go to MILs on their own and I can come home and watch challenge relax and have some much needed me-time. I'm gonna tell DH it's the best Mother's Day gift I could get!

Yanbu... Why would you go? She's not your mother, it's mother's day, you're a mother, it's your day... Pretty simple! I get on with mil but mother's day is my day!

Enjoy your time and don't feel guilty in the least :)

It's your Mother's Day too and your needs are important